Friday, January 25, 2019

The Tease of an Early Spring

I saw these flowers when I was on a walk yesterday and they grabbed my attention. Technically, it is not spring. But here where I live, we have had a couple teaser 70 degree days where the earth dared to come alive with the brightest green hues and the early blossoms of bulbs.

I think the season I am slowly emerging out of makes me feel very akin to the bulbs. There is a time of year that bulbs look like that had that short enthusiastic bloom, but then there really seem like that was it and they died for good. I even remember in our very first home, there were some random bulb in the middle of our grassy lawn and we mowed them down to have the uniform lawn look. But even though we weren't desiring them there, as soon as a little warmth and sunlight kissed the ground the hid beneath, the came up from their seeming grave and show new vibrant life and joy and popped up their lovely flowery heads in the middle of our grass before we could push them back down.

I have been through it. Some of you know parts of my offline story, but I would venture to say no one but my husband has really witnessed what felt like a slow death of so much of what I considered to be so defining to who I was in almost every area of my life. I felt like all my dreams and desires and vision died and was buried deep under the ground in a slow and drawn out letting go. I still loved God, still loved my family, but just felt so much like I had let go of so much and really believed it would never resurface - some of it I think I purposefully mowed down because I just didn't want to see it anymore, quite like those bulbs in our first house's lawn. But, it feels like a subtle tease of a season shift - like there is just enough warmth and light hitting the soil of me that there are things started to sprout up, and dare I even say flower, that I thought were gone forever.

I don't know what this is all going to end up looking like, but I just wanted to acknowledge it. I am not picking up where I left off on this blog - it is like a fresh start with a bunch of archives that I don't regret at all because they are a part of me. But so much has happened, so much tearing down and letting go and refining over the past several years of not writing much, and I really do think it is going to bear fruit that I have yet to see.

Since I have so very few readers left, it feels like a good time to just work it out on paper, or blog posts, right now and see where it all takes me. I am thinking I will give an updated simplified look to the blog as well. I am wanting to write again. I want to share what the Lord has taught me along the way because He has always been faithful, even when I couldn't understand His ways.

More to come.


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