day 6: You have not forsaken me

we have been s.l.o.w.l.y. been memorizing the psalms with our boys. we just finished learning psalm 23. my 2 year old is adorable trying to say psalm "tweney-free," (and he knows almost every word), but that is a whole different story for a different time. right now, i am thinking about how thankful i am that He is my shepherd. 

while teaching them the different words of the psalm, certain parts of it jumped out at me like i was hearing them for the first time. 

for one, it really hit me that "He restores my soul." my soul needs to be encouraged and restored so often, and i can really say that He is faithful to do just that. i have been praying lately, "Lord, i need you to restore my soul right now because i am having a really hard time and my emotions feel out of control." it is so comforting to know that He will do just that because that is one of the ways He leads me as a Good Shepherd.

the other part that really got me was that He never promised that we wouldn't have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. i have heard many preachers say that it is only a shadow, somehow meaning that we won't really have to deal with the death part. but that isn't quite the way it is, at least in my experience. i have had to walk through a lot of the death part and it is painful and sometimes confusing. but i have this beautiful promise that really does comfort me: i don't have to fear any evil because He really is with me. through the hardest darkest times, He is with me. He never leaves me. He never forsakes me. He is a Good Shepherd and He cares for me so much that He won't leave me to go through it alone. 

it may a really intense journey at times for all of us, but He will never let us be consumed. He is good like that - when we can't seem to carry on ourselves, He carries us. i really believe it.

keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." hebrews 13:5

this song by amanda cook is super encouraging. if you can, take a couple minutes to listen to it and let me know what you think. i was there right there on the far right side in the crowd when it was recorded and tears were streaming down my face. it was exactly the reminder that i needed to hear.



charis

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day 5: my inadequate words to describe being a mama

 

i am so thankful to be a mama. each of my babies have won my heart so fully and deeply. there is nothing like it - i wish i had the right words to give an adequate description. i think pretty much any words i tried to use would fall short.

it is such a tiring job. it is the hardest job in the world and so many times i doubt my ability to do it well. i know i mess up a lot. i know that it is not in my own strength that i can even get through one day, but by His grace alone.

these sweet looks from my babies... this is when i think, wow, what a gift i have been given! my heart has expanded to be able to love far more than i could have ever imagined if someone had tried to tell me before it happened. i never thought so much unselfish love could come out of my heart - no, i am not perfect and still struggle with wanting to look out for myself first. i wish i knew how to write the heights of joy i have experienced and the depth of fear and pain as well. it is just so humbling that God would allow me to steward these little lives.

no matter how hard it is at times, no matter how much motherhood has cost, and no matter much it has exposed my weakness, it is totally indescribable to say how thankful i am for my 6 treasures.

charis

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day 4: the moments of my offline life

i am thankful for all the life that i get to live far away from this computer screen, so full and so exhausting at the end of the day, that will someday be lovely memories i replay over and over again -

time teaching my kids math, explaining concepts and watching their eyes light up when they get it...

time spent in the prayer room watching children worship and dance and play and pray...

time spent nursing my sweet baby girl marveling at this amazing kiss of kindness from God...

time spent running to the store for soccer game snacks and last minute gifts for a kid's birthday party...

time spent in the heat with friends and their children at a big birthday party, visiting, sweating, and watching our kids have a great time playing and laughing and eating cake...

time sitting under the lights on a friday night watching my boys play soccer, yelling at the top of my lungs cheering them on, watching my #1 son score the only goal leading their team to victory...

time looking at the breath-taking pink, violet, and gold sunset with purple mountains reminding me why i love living where i live; maybe i should have taken a picture to post, but instead i took one with my mind to hold in my memory banks...

time falling tired into bed, wanting to read just one short blog post, but eyelids falling heavy beckoning me to a place of dreams.

charis

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day 3: it's enough

i have made a habit of walking our block to get the sun upon my face, escape from the 4 walls of homeschooling in our little house, and pour my heart out to God. i walk my block over and over again - the number of laps i make usually correlates with how i am really doing. stressed, angry, worried? many laps. happy and carefree? just a lap or two.

i am not one to process my pain well on my own, and yet i am not one to process in front of others either. that usually leaves me with no processing at all. i often don't really know how i am doing until either it slips out my fingers onto the page or out of my mouth talking to God. you see, i talk out loud to Him while i walk. i am sure many a neighbor or those who drive by me have thought i was crazy, but it is the only way i know to let Him into the deeper parts of me that i don't know how to go to on my own.

and with the blinding brightness of the sun warm against my cheeks, tears escape my squinted eyes, and i let it all out before Him. i let go of all the expectations of others that i carry, the disappointments that weigh heavy, the fears, the failures, the strife to make things right in my own strength, the anger that bubbles up, and the questions that lay just beyond the surface and influence all i do.

all that i should have been stares me in the face and taunts me with what my very best self can meagerly produce, and i ask Him - what do you think of me? silence. the tightness in my chest wants to badly to hear approval while my eyes almost don't dare to look up. then i get this sense in the very depth of my gut that He is okay with messy real me - the me who doesn't do it quite right, who doesn't know how to let others in, who desires to be pleasing but so often falls short. no one else may ever understand the complexity of how i work, but He is the One who formed me in my innermost parts, and He knows and understands and He is okay with me...

                                 ...and that is enough.

charis

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day 2: the journey

today i am thankful for the journey. you want to know something? a lot of times the journey scares me.

sometimes i am slow to walk ahead. sometimes i stumble my way along, seemingly blinded by the darkness. so many times all i can see is literally the step that is right before me. and you know what? i am learning to be okay with that.

my feeble, weak, slow attempt to follow counts. He is patient with me. He has given me strength that i never thought i could have and He will continue to give enough grace for each present moment - both the beautiful and the ugly.

there has been pain and there have been shadows, but i am just starting to see some light up ahead. right now, however, i want to look around and just be. i want to be present and okay with who i am and where i am, where i am going and where i have been.

charis

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