here is a rather vulnerable post. i am not even sure if it is okay to write about on a blog, but since i will keep everything anonymous, i will go ahead and process my thoughts for you all to peak in on.
i am sure you all have had those really hard times when you are faced with wondering if you should talk to a friend about something serious going on in his/her life or not. i was faced with one of these situations this past week.
for me, it is a struggle between how much i am able to have a place to speak into her life, how much she may or may not receive or react at me talking with her, and even just the plain responsibility that comes with getting personally involved in someone's life. i mean, it is a serious responsibility to call someone on something and then to realize that if she does decide to repent of what she was involved in, she most likely will need someone there in her life to encourage her and be there for her when she is going through the thick of it. it isn't like i can come along, point out a major life issue, then disappear.
i think of all the things i struggle with in this, it is the fear of being rejected that gets to me the most. i am not one for confrontation. i would rather avoid someone forever, or close to it, before having that serious talk that could cause emotions to flare. even after i felt this past week that the Lord was giving me the green light to talk to this friend, i was so nervous because i anticipated her reaction not being favorable. in fact, i really anticipated her getting angry with me. yet, i was losing sleep over thinking about her, praying for her, and asking God what i was supposed to do about it.
i finally got to the place where i knew that i could speak the truth in love to her. i came to the point that regardless of her reaction or whether she changed her decisions in the area of concern, i knew that for me to remain silent on the issue was not loving her. i was so consumed in thinking about how it would affect me negatively, that it was hard to see straight about what was the best for her life. you see, if i really love someone, i am willing to do what is best for her regardless of the consequences to me. if it was more important for her to hear the truth in this area that she was not seeing clearly in, then i am only being her friend if i tell her the truth. this is not easy for me. i definitely struggle with the fear of man.
so, i wrote her. i have yet to hear back. i kinda doubt she has even read it yet, but i know it won't be long until she does. i know that in the grand scheme of things i will stand before the Lord and He will say, did you really love? did you love even when it could cost you rejection? did you love when it made you feel squirmy and uncomfortable and awkward? did you even love when it got messy? i hope that i can say yes, i loved those you put in my life.
honestly, when it comes down to it, even in the times i have myself reacted poorly to even the most gentle of corrections, i am thankful that i have people in my own life willing to love me enough to say something when they see me doing something that is hurting me. i have reacted poorly to correction in the past. but there are these golden moments that stand out to me in my memories above most others of when someone said something to me about my behaviors that made me mad, but affected my decisions for the good years and years later. i still think back on several of these moments again and again. i hope i can be that person to this friend. i hope God continues to send those real friends into my own life.