Friday, April 9, 2010


i have been in a place of really being aware of my own weakness.

i am finally feeling better from the nausea and vomiting part of pregnancy and already feeling the woes of the end of pregnancy.  yet, i am continually faced with all that didn't get done the past six months in every area of my life.  i feel the 12-14 weeks until the baby is here urgency.  i feel just better enough to work myself so hard that i have no energy left at the end of the day.  i am completely spent.

i sit there, sometimes unable to even muster the energy to get up, and am vastly aware of my weakness.

i am physically weak.  i am emotionally weak.  i am mentally weak.  i am spiritually weak.

and yet this comes to mind:  His great desire for me far surpasses my great weakness.  i have been going through a course taught by allen hood on the Excellencies of Christ.  this past lesson was on the desire of God for intimate relationship with man.  let me tell you, i have only just begun this course and i can already see its potential to be life-changing.

as i heard him teach on the book of genesis and the creation of man and the creation of woman, and draw the parallels of adam's desire for a helpmate to God's own desires for a helpmate, i was blown away.  i know that the book of revelation says that He (Jesus) was slain before the foundations of the world, but to put that in context with the story of creation just did something to me.  He desires me.  even in my weakness and my fickleness and my insecurities, He wants me and always planned to win my love with His life.

i cannot even articulate right now the thoughts swirling around in my brain that this revelation causes.  i cannot express, though i so desire to, what it does to my heart to know that when i am so extremely aware of my weakness and my shortcomings that He desired me before He even breathed breath into adam.  His plan was always to lay down His life so i could be loved.  His desire has always been that i would understand the depth of His love and that it would draw forth love in return.

it wasn't plan b.

i cannot express what this does to my heart.  who is this God who wants relationship with someone as broken as me?  who is this God that death on a cross to win my love and my life was His plan a?  i have to know Him so i can love Him because no one has ever loved me like that before.

He didn't give up His own life for the one He created it because He had to fix the mess we made.  He wanted to do it and planned to before forming the dust in His hands and breathing life into the nostrils.  He wanted to do it before i could even see my own weakness and acknowledge i was in need of saving.

i must have more of this kind of love.



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