20 ways to love your spouse on valentine's day

20 ways to love your spouse on v-day 

(or on any day)

1. make a homemade card
2. write a love song (whether you are a musician or not!)
3. have an email detailing your favorite things about him waiting in his inbox when he wakes
4. surprise her with her favorite breakfast and a hot cup of coffee
5. go back and look at wedding pictures together
6. do one of her daily chores without being asked or drawing attention to it
7. ask him what his v-day looks like... and make it about him (seems to be traditionally about her, right?)
8. share with each other the story of when and how you knew that you were in love
9. set a timer on your phone to pray for your spouse every 10 minutes the whole day.
10. buy a pack of 3 by 5 cards, write on each one a different reason you love him, and tie them together with string
11. speak lovingly about your spouse all day long
12. take a break from technology and just be together
13. exercise together
14. wear something you know he thinks you look good in
15. choose today to forgive
16. kiss at least 3 times today - waking, leaving the house, and going to bed
17. tell someone else your "story" together - even better, tell it to your kids
18. hold hands in the car
19. look today for how you can give, not how you can get... how you can serve, not how to be served.
20. pray together

what are ideas that you would add?

charis

love keeps no record of wrongs

forgiveness.

you knew that i couldn't write a series on marriage and not addess this "f" word.

love keeps no record of wrongs, right?

but in reality, we know, we remember, we feel all over again

every. single. painful. moment.

i remember so clearly a moment in our own pre-marriage counseling when our counselor advised us to write some "fighting" rules together.  she strongly cautioned us, "when in a fight, be careful of the words you say in the moment and never call names.  though you can apologize for the words that were said, you can never fully take them back... they just float around out there in the sound waves and our memories replay them over and over again."

i know this may come as a shocker to those of you not yet married, but in the full swings of puppy love and the perpetual highs of finding the right "one" but not yet in the covenant, that you will have to forgive your spouse.

you. will. have. to. forgive. your. spouse.

period.

that means, i know there may be some of you who still may be shaking your heads in disbelief, that your spouse will do something wrong enough to be in need of forgiveness.

forgiveness for what was said... and for what wasn't said.  for what was done... and for what wasn't done.  and sometimes, it will be a really big thing that is in need of forgiveness.

no one has a perfect marriage.

no one.

i know that we all have perceptions of other people's relationships, of their lives really.  but when we assume that someone has that marriage that is just all fireworks and connection all of the time, we are playing that grass is greener on the other side of the fence game.

and i heard a great quote that i cannot forget -

the grass is greener where you water it.

image by myriah grubbs

water your grass with the water of forgiveness.

no one has a perfect marriage, but it is very possible to have a very good one.

whenever i am at a bridal shower and they pass around those little cute cards that you are supposed to write a few words of advice on to encourage the bride to be i always write the same thing -

forgive. 
love keeps no record of wrongs.
1 corinthians 13

it really is the number 1 piece of marriage advice i can give.  it is the one reason i still like my husband today - i choose every day to forgive and to remind myself to stop keeping a record of wrongs.  sometimes it may be a daily choice, other times a moment by moment choice. 

 when my mind wants to replay and relive the painful words or actions in the past, i must choose to forgive.

i have heard so many objections to this single topic - sheesh, i have come up with many objections in my own soul how i should hold onto offense over things done to me - but if we are followers of Jesus this is one thing that isn't negotiable in any relationship we find ourselves in, let alone marriage.

if you find this speaking straight to where you are at and your eyes are open to some unforgiveness or hurt feelings lurking in the shadows of your heart, let me encourage you to start right now in giving the hurt to God and extending mercy towards your spouse (or any other person who has wronged you). "i forgive you" aren't magic words that make the pain of it all just immediately vanish. forgiveness is a choice we have to walk out after we speak it out.

i heard this great illustration a while back from bob jones that i will never forget:

forgiveness is like a yo-yo. keep throwing it out there until the string breaks and it stops coming back. 

you see, we don't forgive the big things just one time. if you have pain or anxiety when you think of someone, it means there is still a deeper level of forgiveness that still needs to happen. extend mercy once again, like throwing out the yo-yo, until the memory or thought of the person doesn't cause pain in your heart any more. the pain can stop coming back. but it takes determination to forgive time and time and time again, and choose to let go of the right to demand things are made right.

sometimes things are made right. sometimes people show true remorse for their offense. sometimes they won't. we still forgive, simply because He forgave us.

at the end of the day we have to remember, if He forgave us all of our sin then why in the world would we choose to not forgive the sins done against us?  (He even mentioned that if we refuse to forgive, the Father will withhold forgiveness from us as well.  pretty sober thought, huh?)

now walking it out is hard at times, isn't it?  oh, but it is so worth it because "he who is forgiven much, loves much." (luke 7:47) our true forgiveness can draw forth love out of our spouse. forgiveness has the potential to not just mend the relationship, but cause it to flourish!

we have been forgiven so much at the cross.  let us love others the way He loves us - and let's start by forgiving our spouse. water your grass so it flourishes a deep shade of green.

thoughts?

charis

the voice

we are continuing today our series on marriage. if you haven't read the past two weeks, i encourage you to start here at the beginning. this series has been in my heart to write for a couple years, so if it blesses and encourages you, even challenges you as it challenges me, please feel free to share it. now, let's sit down at my coffee table for a cup of coffee and have a real talk about marriage.

it's always in the middle of a heated exchange that the voice comes to me.  you know the one:   

don't give in and admit fault.  don't choose to be the one who backs down.  you know what will happen - he will take advantage of you and think he can always win.

and as silly as it sounds writing it all down and admitting to hearing voices that urge me to not lay down my rights, the tension in the moment is so thick it is almost suffocating.

it is like the devil and angel depicted on the shoulders of cartoon characters.  the Holy Spirit and the voice, call it a demon or my flesh (it doesn't matter which), battle for my response.

my father-in-law once told my husband when he was a teenager struggling with some sin issues that he better hope it was a demon bothering him.  he said, "son, if it is a demon, it is easy - we just cast it out.  now if it is your flesh... you will battle that thing the rest of your life."

i have a feeling this voice is more my flesh resisting walking out real love than a demon simply bothering me that has to leave when i tell it to in Jesus' name.

it feels so much like if i admit i am wrong, or even have any ounce of fault in a fight, it will be brought back as ammo against me in a future disagreement. it makes so much sense to my mind that if i don't defend myself and make sure he understands why i am in the right, he will somehow think he had no blame in the fight.  

 ...and then i will be walked all over.

yet, i cannot get away from what paul called love:

love is patient.
love is kind
and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own,
is not provoked, 
does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness,
but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
love never fails...
1 cor. 13 nasb

the new king james version says it this way:

love suffers long and is kind...

the new living version says this:

...it does not demand its own way. it is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged... love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

wow.

so, let's do a reality check for a second - 

• i do not like to suffer for a short time, so definitely not suffering loooonnnggg much here...  and to be kind at the same time as the suffering.  ouch.

• my son told me today that i could work on my impatience - no check mark on the patient part for me.

• i often demand my way.  this can be verified by my whole family.

• i get irritable without enough coffee, enough chocolate, enough food, water, sleep, health... okay, so i get irritated pretty easily it seems.

• i hate to admit it, but in a fight i can often remember instantly when i have been wronged in the same way before (anyone with me on this?). 

• i can be provoked.  it doesn't take long to learn my buttons.  and you push them, i push back.

i am no where near this thing called love.

the good news about this depressing news about myself is it isn't new news to Jesus!  He knows i struggle in every single one of these areas... that is why following Him is defined as laying down my life and embracing my cross - being mistreated.

yes, mistreated even in my marriage by the one i have allowed closest to me.

and he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.  he who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.  matthew 10:38-39

now for a long time i thought this meant literally dying for Jesus... but the thought that laying down my rights was the same as losing my life for His sake - so that He might be glorified in me - now that was life-changing to this little gal living in california.

then Jesus said to His disciples, "if anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.   for whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.  for what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?  matthew 16:25-26

what will it profit me if i win the argument, but lose my soul in the process?

and He summoned the crowd with His disciples, and said to them, "if anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.  mark 8:34

deny myself?  surely this is a mistranslation. 

and He was saying to them all, "if anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.  luke 9:23

daily?  you mean, this isn't just about being martyred in some eastern country?  this is about me and my daily home life where i get mistreated every. single. day?

remember, i am not all those great things that are listed in the love chapter.  neither are you.

but He is.

He is every single one of these things towards me, and that is why i can turn my heart towards my husband when i most want to build up a wall to protect myself - Jesus knows the very worst of me that i can hide cunningly from everyone else, and He still loves me in this radical way.

He really did bear His cross on my behalf when i mistreated Him - and it wasn't just about the literal gruesome death on the cross, but the stigma He would bear in my mind of being weak and not defending Himself when He had the chance.

He loved me fully and that is why i choose to not listen to the Voice in an argument... well, at least purpose my heart to tell it no, and choose to lay down my rights daily

in this messy thing called marriage.

Jesus wasn't concerned with how we might mistreat Him again when He chose to love us (and He alone knows how often i have mistreated and even despised Him in my heart) - so why should we hold this as a reason to not really love our spouses? 

charis

i do every day

so often it is the simple way of serving that nourishes the heart on the deeper levels.

i watch him stand on the chair, fixing the slight curtain rod above the crib, only $10 at target, that the littles thought would be a good pull up bar.  i have been staring at the bent rod for several weeks, hoping at some point to get around to fixing it.

after a long day, i asked if he could take a look and he easily fixes it - easily deals with what has been bugging my mind for weeks.  working on these details of broken things in the house overwhelm me and make me feel small and ignorant.  his willingness to easily fix what would have taken me built up determination and drive draws forth love in a way that a dozen roses may have not stirred.

and my heart takes a deep exhale as one more thing is checked of the never-ending list of things to do that i know i will never catch up on. 

so often people enter marriage with a grandiose idea of what they can gain instead of what they can give away.

we vow for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad - though the newer trend of writing one's own vows may slight our perspective that there WILL be bad times in a long-lasting marriage - and yet somehow we think of these as big abstract promises instead of the little nitty gritty daily life details.

i will love you when you spent the last of the money for the month and didn't give me the receipts so we now have overdraft fees (and i won't even try to make you feel incredibly small over it).

i will love you when you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and spoke snappy at me and didn't even appreciate the coffee or scrambled eggs i made you (and i won't go off on you pointing out all that i do for you that you never notice).

i will love you when you are too sick to get out of bed and it means i have more work to do with taking care of kids, work, home life, and don't get the break and fellowship that i was looking forward to after a long day (and i will keep the kids quiet so you can sleep, get you a glass of water, pray for you to feel better, and am truly sympathetic instead of mulling in self-pity at my extra work load).

i will love you when every conversation we have ends in misunderstanding and it seems like i married a stranger instead of my best friend (and i won't try to escape and go slam the door in frustration and anger, but stay in the awkward moments of misunderstanding praying for courage to choose the low road instead of defending myself).

i will love you when it looks like simple service (and keep my mouth from complaining but serve with a happy heart as unto the Lord).

we make long-winded romantic sounding promises in the heat of our passion. when the passion fades and we are called to walk out those binding commitments, do we have the courage to say "i do" every day, sometimes every moment, and lay down our wants and desires to love with the unselfish love that we once thought would just easily come spilling out?

these small ways - which really are the big ways - of laying down our lives are what makes our spouse fall in love with us all over again. 

these little ways of denying ourselves - the fixing of a curtain rod - are what long-lasting marriages are made of.

marriage is not about what we can get, but what we can give. it isn't about how much love we keep, but how much we pour out.

greater love has no man than this: that he lay down his life for his friend.

He even laid it down for His enemy.

the invitation stands: do we want to learn to love like Him?

can we learn to say "i do" when we are no longer standing at the altar, but in the thick of real life?

what if it isn't two-sided? what if you are the only one attempting to lay down your life for your spouse and he/she isn't doing a thing (that you can see)? does the Lord's invitation to loving as He loves remain, or is it only for when love is returned?

charis 

you do not have to get divorced

photo by myriah grubbs

divorce.

i have noticed for a while the vacuum of silence on this topic.  it is a touchy subject.  many people have either been divorced, know someone who has been divorced, or are contemplating getting divorced.  many of our leaders and pastors have been divorced or are closely tied to those who have been divorced, and so they are silent on the issue.  we don't often get godly counsel on this topic.  i do not have all the answers about marriage and divorce, but i am here to tell you one thing:

you do not have to get divorced.

i am not being idealistic about marriage.  we are approaching 10 years of marriage within the next year, and though i am not a 50 year veteran i am also not a twinkling eyed newlywed with unrealistic expectations for life in a covenant relationship.


a history of sticking it out

my parents are still married (almost 40 years!) - their first and only marriage.  each of their parents were the same until the death of both my grandpas - faithful to their only marriage covenant until the end.  as far as i know, the story is the same many generations back.  i am not aware of a divorce in my direct lineage on either side.

this is not to sing my own praises.  this is not to say that i nor any of the generations before me haven't had problems and struggles in our/their marriages.  this is simply to state they did not give up.

just as i stated in my very first blog post about the reason this blog is called at the gate called beautiful, silver and gold have i none but what i do have i will give freely to you.  my hope today is to give you hope that you can stay married. 

i will be scattered i am sure, but once again let me make my whole point clear from the beginning:

you do not have to get divorced.

i had a dream...

a couple years ago i had a very vivid dream about two friends of mine who are married.  in the dream i was standing in the lobby of our church and this couple who i knew had been struggling in their marriage came up to me and told me that they were done and getting a divorce.  i looked into their faces and i knew they both refused to reconcile.  i instantly fell to the ground at their feet and wept and wept and wept.

when i woke up i have to say i was very shaken.  the dream felt so real and from what i already knew about my two friends i knew it was a dream from God.  i prayed about the dream and asked the Lord what it meant and what in the world was i supposed to do with it.  i felt very strongly like in the dream i wasn't myself, but instead i represented the Holy Spirit.  the deep grief i felt and the uncontrollable weeping over their feet let me taste of how grieved He is about the hopelessness people get to when they finally just give up on their covenant in marriage.

the grief was as if someone had just died.  this is the emotional investment i believe the Lord has in our marriage covenant.  for us to give up and get divorced - this is the death of our marriage and it isn't only between the man and wife.  marriage is between the man, wife, and God Himself.


what does God say about divorce?

in malachi 2:16 it says very plainly,

for I hate divorce, says the Lord, the God of israel...

how does God feel about marriage?

the most powerful story of redeeming love in the Bible reveals to us how God feels about marriage and thus about divorce: the story of hosea.

God told the prophet hosea that his marriage would be a prophetic picture of God's relationship with His people israel.  God told hosea to go marry a prostitute.  

when the Lord first spoke through hosea, the Lord said to hosea, "go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and have children of harlotry; for the land commits flagrant harlotry, forsaking the Lord."  hosea 1:2

the story of hosea is amazing.  this wife, who he sincerely loves, cheats on him again and again and again.  he even has to go and drag her back home against her will.  she has a child that is not his, but another man's.  how painful did that have to be?!  yet through all of this he keeps taking her back.  it got to the dire point when God spoke to hosea again:

then the Lord said to me, "go again, love a woman who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the sons of israel, though they turn to other gods and love raisin cakes." so i bought her for myself for fifteen shekels of silver and a homer and a half of barley.  hosea 3:1

hosea went and bought his wife back while she was in prostitution, so that he could bring her back home.  she was an adulteress.  she did not deserve his love.  yet, he loved her.  he did not leave her, nor did he let her leave.  he kept pursuing.  he remained in covenant, though she trampled all over it.  
 
...and God was the One who told him to do it.  

God loves marriage. 

God wanted to show through hosea that though His people did not value their covenant with Him, He would stay faithful to His covenant with them.  God is a God of covenant.  He does not take covenant lightly.  marriage is a covenant in the eyes of God, not just a contract in the eyes of men.  

God loves marriage.  God hates divorce.

it was never a part of the plan...

it breaks our hearts when those we love get divorced.  God  Himself weeps over the broken covenants.  He is not distant and unfeeling.  He is a God who weeps.  

you see, divorce was never in God's plan.  it is not the way He meant it to be.  even Jesus said when questioned about the instruction moses gave about divorce that it was only given because their hearts were already hardened.  the marriage covenant was never meant be broken.  in matthew 19: 

He said to them, "because of your hardness of heart moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.
"and I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery."

this is a hard saying.  even for me to read, who hasn't been divorced and doesn't have a lineage of divorce, i still wince when i read Jesus's words.  these are not arbitrary words.  these are the words of the One who died to give us forgiveness of our sins and the promise of resurrected life.  i think many of us, if we were honest, would say in response the very same thing that His disciples said.

the disciples said to Him, "if the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry."

if we truly had a revelation of the importance of marriage to God Himself, if we had just a taste of the grief He personally experiences when two people give up on their covenant to each other, if we saw the tears He cries, then we would take entering into marriage a whole lot more seriously and soberly, just like the disciples who heard the serious sober words for themselves.

it was never a part of the plan.  divorce was never meant to be an option.  in a day and age when anyone can get a divorce for any reason without contest, it is hard to not think in the back of our minds when we enter into a marriage covenant that the option in on the table.  to God, it is not on the table.


isn't there a clause to that forever thing?

you may have noticed the "clause" in what Jesus said to His followers.  what if your husband or wife cheats on you?  i am in no way diminishing the pain of this type of betrayal because i have to say that my heart would be broken into so many pieces it is hard to think it could ever be whole again.  yet i am here to say, even though a "clause" exists, this too is only because of our hardness of hearts.  if we look to the example in hosea, the one that God said was a picture of His commitment to His bride, we can see that even unfaithfulness in marriage can be overcome.  

i believe when we come to marriage with our lists of if he does this it is over, or i would leave if she ever did that... we are setting our marriage up to fail.  we are subtly prepping our hearts to look for the way out instead of pressing through to the way to overcome.

God's plan for us is to be overcomers, not those who simply escape hardship. 

and isn't His promise that He will work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (romans 8:28)? 

all things.

even marriage, however unhappy and unfulfilled and unfaithful it has been.


as long as it is up to me...

i told my husband a number of years ago that as long as it was up to me, i was in this marriage for life.  now, you would think this was an obvious statement because we made wedding vows of i will love you as long as we both shall live... but you see, we were walking through a season when many people close to us were giving up on their marriages and opting for divorce (many because of marital unfaithfulness and affairs).  i had a series of nightmares where bill was cheating on me or leaving me for another woman.  i had one dream at the time where we split up and each took one of our sons (we only had the older two boys at that point) and i obviously took the baby because i was nursing.  i remember how real the dream seemed and how much i missed asher my oldest son.   it was terrible. when i woke up, i could feel the fear of what if this nightmare happens to us too?

instead of trying to "think positive", oh this will never ever happen to us, i decided to look the worst possible senario straight in the face and decide how i would choose to respond if i ever did have to be faced with it in my life.  i decided, after prayer and soberness, that if my husband were to be unfaithful to me, i would stay with him and work it out.  as long as it was up to me, our marriage would not end.  i would be faithful to my end of our covenant regardless of if he was faithful or unfaithful.  it took a lot of courage to tell him.  i vividly remember the evening when i told him that even if he left me, cheated on me, or wanted a divorce, i would fight for our marriage because i made a promise.


i am not saying this would be easy and i am not saying i wouldn't struggle with forgiveness big time, but i believe it is right and it is the way God intended marriage to be.  one partner for life.  a picture of His commitment to us and our commitment to Him. 

divorce is not an option.

marriage counseling

in our several years in full-time ministry and pastoring, and even before, we have had the privilege to counsel many engaged and newlywed couples.  the one thing that i have said the strongest above any other thing, (above money or children or love languages or intimacy or so much more!), is that divorce cannot ever be an option.  it cannot be a threat in a heated argument that is thrown out there to manipulate the other person into submitting.  divorce cannot ever be on the table.


what comes out of our mouths comes from our hearts.  what our mouths say influence what our hearts believe.  it is a cycle.  the darkness that comes out is strengthened by our agreement with our lips.

do not give the idea of divorce a place in your marriage.  period.

if you have, now is the time to repent and stop.  ask for forgiveness.  start anew.


this alone will be huge.  if you do not entertain the idea of escaping, but are faced with the reality that this is what and who you are stuck with for life, i assure you that you will be much more motivated to make it a better marriage instead of looking forward to someone else.  it is the way we as humans work.  if we know that we do not have a choice about leaving, we try to make where we are the most comfortable and bearable we can.

we want to be happy.  

it is possible to be happy in your marriage.


let me tell you, divorce will not make you happy.  the current problem may go away, but you will not be happy.


but you can allow the Lord to have the messed up, broken, real marriage you have and let Him have His work and bring true joy out of what you were almost willing to give up on.  that is how He works.  He works all things together... right?  even the ugly stuff.  He is personally invested in it.  He loves covenant and is a rewarder of those who are faithful to their covenants.  


the one who keeps his promise when it hurts

i know there is so much more that could be said on this topic, and i may have already offended many of those who read this, (though that is not at all my intent).  i want to leave you with this.  two years ago i was doing a study on psalm 15 which is about who can dwell in the house of the Lord.  there are a list of requirements for the one who can dwell with Him many of which got my attention.  one that jumped out at me was 

he swears to his own hurt and does not change;  

this could pretty simply be said the one who keeps his promise even when it hurts.  i believe this applies to our covenant in marriage.  there will be many times when it is to our own hurt and pain to keep our promise, but i promise you it will be worth it.  i am not saying that everything will magically be better and, honestly, you could be in a up and down marriage for the rest of your life.  but if you are faithful to what you promised, if you do not take the easy road out, if you do not opt for divorce, then i promise you He will be faithful to you because you were faithful to your word.  

i promise you.  

He is a God who rewards and He is watching.  i believe that your marriage can end up amazing on this side of eternity, but even if it doesn't, you do not have to get divorce.  

there is something so much greater - becoming like Him who keeps His word every single time even to the point of laying down His life and dying on a cross.  He didn't back out when it got hard... 

...and we don't have to either.

hang in there.  He is deeply invested in your marriage and if you ask Him, He will give you the grace to stay.

photo by myriah grubbs

you do not have to get divorced.

charis

5 things i am thinking about on good friday

photo credit

i am trying to take time to read through the passion of Christ in the four gospel accounts on an important day for our faith - good friday.  the time of easter, the resurrection, the week of passover, this important time to everything we believe and base our lives on... how anchored are we in what it is really all about?

5 things i am thinking about on good friday

1.  Lord i do believe, help my unbelief (mark 9:24).  simply reading the story doesn't do much for my heart.  i have to make a choice to believe it is real at the deepest level, and then ask the Holy Spirit to strengthen my faith.  i don't want to read just another good story. 

2. He really did die, and it was completely His choice.  He turned the other cheek.  God laid down His life for me.  He didn't have to do it.  He doesn't owe me anything.

3. the resurrection is everything.  it wasn't just an arbitrary sign to help us believe that we are forgiven of sin.  He rose from the dead and defeated death that we may be convinced that we too will rise in resurrected bodies... not as ghosts or spirits, but real living people who can eat and drink and live!

and He said to them, "why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? see My hands and My feet, that it is I Myself; touch Me and see, for a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have." and when He had said this, He showed them His hands and His feet. while they still could not believe it because of their joy and amazement, He said to them, "have you anything here to eat?" they gave Him a piece of a broiled fish; and He took it and ate it before them.                                                     luke 24:38-43

why does this matter?  because He will restore what He has originally created the life of man to be like in the garden - eternal communion with God in real life.  

4. although it is a free gift, it takes repentance and faith on our part to receive what Jesus paid for (acts 3:18-21 among other places).  this is something that i have been taught since a child - God gave us free wills to either receive what He paid for or to refuse it.  with all the buzz lately, even making the cover of time magazine, about whether hell is eternal, if everyone will eventually be saved, and what it really means to be saved i feel the weight of once again knowing what is truth.  these ideas are nothing new.  men has always wanted to do things our way, not God's way - it was the original sin.  over and over again the Word says we must repent and we must believe - even confess Jesus as Messiah when it is going to cost us our lives (romans 10:9).  there are not many ways and there are not many chances - we have this opportunity in this present time to receive what He has paid for.

Jesus said to make sure that no man deceives us - that many would come in His name saying that He is the Lord, but preach another gospel than He preached (matt 24).  in the times we are living in, and i do believe this is a crucial hour, i do not want to entertain any vain ideas that would cause my heart to not run hard after knowing Him.  Jesus, the One who loved us more than any man could or has ever loved, did not seem concerned with the message seeming too harsh but instead with the temptation we would have to become lawless and for our love to grow cold.   it was Jesus Himself who spoke of the eternity of the lake of fire as clearly as He spoke of the eternity of life in resurrected bodies (matt 25:46 is just one reference among many).  He said if we deny Him before man, He will deny us before the Father (matt 10:33).  this sounds so harsh (i know, i feel the sting myself!), but if there comes a day when i am faced with death, with very martyrdom for worshiping Jesus, it will keep my life safe forever to remember these harsh words.  there will be many more opportunities as life goes on to cheapen the price He paid, but i will not cheapen it.  i will not get distracted in my pursuit of knowing Jesus nor in my prayer for people to repent and come to Him so they may know His forgiveness and life forever.  He died because i need to be saved from eternal destruction.  there is no other way than the way He plainly said.  it is a narrow gate (matt 7:13-14).  i will not deny Jesus and His sacrifice,  even if it costs me favor with man.

5. He loves us more than we can imagine.  one of the first scriptures that we usually memorize as children raised in the church is john 3:16.  i would encourage you to read the entire 3rd chapter of john.  God loves us.  He really does love us.  if there is one thing that i want to know in my heart of hearts today of all days, the day that He gave His life on a cross for me, it is to know how much He loves me.  so like paul prayed for the church of ephesians, i pray for all of us today:

for this reason i bow my knees before the Father,  from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. amen.
                                                                  ephesians 3:14-20

what are you thinking about in light of today and this resurrection weekend?

charis

it counts big time

used with permission by myriahgrubbs photography

i understand how busy life can get and how hard it can be, especially as a mama, to take time to grow spiritually and cultivate an inner life of knowing and loving Jesus.  when i had my first son i came off of a very huge life disappointment and honestly was probably a little depressed, though i think the disappointment was more to blame than any post pardum hormones.  not only had i  just walked through one of the hardest seasons of my life, but my baby stopped breathing completely when he was about 4 hours old.  they never really found out why after all the tests and told me it could happen again at any time.  i was exhausted, paranoid, fearful, disappointed, and a first time mom.  needless to say, i didn't do great at finding time to spend with the Lord.

due to all of the above factors, i basically was so tired of disappointment that i just stopped trying to cultivate my inner life with the Lord.  i thought, you know what... i will do this at another time when i have things more together, when life doesn't seem so overwhelming, or when my heart isn't so raw.  in great contrast to my childhood, teenage years, college time, and young married life, i stopped reading my Bible.  it just hurt too much.  i would walk by my piano and not touch it to play or sing to the Lord.  i didn't want to deal with tears that i knew would flow.  i thought, later.  later i will connect.  right now i will tread water and get through each day with lack of vision for anything besides loving my little baby and making sure he didn't stop breathing again.

well, after not really reading my Bible for a year my heart felt very cold and it made me sad.  i would stand there during worship on sunday mornings and cry because i longed to feel the nearness of God but i had let myself shut down so much.  i wanted to feel His nearness even in my pain and wandering state, but i almost didn't know where to start again.  every time i would try to open my Bible or pray, my baby would need me.

or my house.

or my husband.

every time i tried to sneak out of bed in the morning to get some alone time, he would wake up and then i just had a longer day of caring for him instead of time to myself and the Lord.

it took a while to find ways to carve a few minutes here and a couple minutes there.  i started reading the book of job first because it was the best place of relating i could find since it was so full of questions that no one but God had the answers for.  then i camped out in psalms for the next several years, only briefly leaving it to read other books and just to return back to it again.  i learned to love my 5 or 10 minute shower time as my "prayer closet" because it was the longest stretch of alone time i "sometimes" got, since often the only way i got a shower was if my oldest two showered with me when they were baby/toddlers.

as i look back at that very very hard season,  i always think about how i didn't like the way my heart felt.  it felt cold and hopeless.  without the constant connection with our Savior Jesus we lose hope.  coming out of one of the other hardest seasons of my life what i am thankful for that is different this time is i fought to find that connection with the Lord in the middle of it.  i tried to turn my heart towards Him, and still do in the same weak way.  it may be a few verses because i am interrupted by children who have real needs, reading the same passage over and over again for two months straight, singing and praying in my shower time which i have made sacred alone time now, or falling asleep exhausted but opening my heart before the Lord with oftentimes just the short prayer, "oh God, i need You so badly.  help." 

i think, now, that a big part of my inner man being alive and connected with God is in the struggle of being a mom and having no time and desiring more than i feel like i can give or receive in this season.  just the fact that i turn my heart towards Him and say, yes!, (as weak and feeble as that yes may be at times), is victory and gives me the hope to keep on going.  i can't give up and wait until life circumstances are different to build the ideal relationship with the Lord.  just because i can't spend 2 uninterrupted hours with Him every morning to start off the day doesn't mean He doesn't use the moments that i delibrately set my heart on Him to draw my heart into loving Him more.

every moment counts.  every yes counts.  every inclination of my eyes to glance His direction counts.  the only way to lose is to quit.  if i keep on walking towards the goal of Him, no matter how slow i may go and how long it seems to take me to make the progress i want to make, i win.

you have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride, 
you have ravished my heart with a glance of your eyes, 
with one jewel of your necklace.
                                           song of songs 4:9 rsv

it is like the widow's mite.  others had much to give and gave out of their surplus.  she gave all she had and it counted.  it counted big time.

so if anyone reading is in any type of season where you long to give more but are tempted to give less because it hurts so bad to feel like you are failing over and over again at your attempts at love (like not even being able to read 3 small chapters of the Bible a day - are you with me??), don't give up!  there is no time in all your life that it will be easier to love Him than right now.  every yes you say today makes it easier to say yes again tomorrow.

and the next day.

and the next.

and remember a heart that feels pain is a heart that is alive.  and it is a heart that loves.  a cold heart is no fun.

never never never quit.

charis

weakness

i have been in a place of really being aware of my own weakness.

i am finally feeling better from the nausea and vomiting part of pregnancy and already feeling the woes of the end of pregnancy.  yet, i am continually faced with all that didn't get done the past six months in every area of my life.  i feel the 12-14 weeks until the baby is here urgency.  i feel just better enough to work myself so hard that i have no energy left at the end of the day.  i am completely spent.

i sit there, sometimes unable to even muster the energy to get up, and am vastly aware of my weakness.

i am physically weak.  i am emotionally weak.  i am mentally weak.  i am spiritually weak.

and yet this comes to mind:  His great desire for me far surpasses my great weakness.  i have been going through a course taught by allen hood on the Excellencies of Christ.  this past lesson was on the desire of God for intimate relationship with man.  let me tell you, i have only just begun this course and i can already see its potential to be life-changing.

as i heard him teach on the book of genesis and the creation of man and the creation of woman, and draw the parallels of adam's desire for a helpmate to God's own desires for a helpmate, i was blown away.  i know that the book of revelation says that He (Jesus) was slain before the foundations of the world, but to put that in context with the story of creation just did something to me.  He desires me.  even in my weakness and my fickleness and my insecurities, He wants me and always planned to win my love with His life.

i cannot even articulate right now the thoughts swirling around in my brain that this revelation causes.  i cannot express, though i so desire to, what it does to my heart to know that when i am so extremely aware of my weakness and my shortcomings that He desired me before He even breathed breath into adam.  His plan was always to lay down His life so i could be loved.  His desire has always been that i would understand the depth of His love and that it would draw forth love in return.

it wasn't plan b.

i cannot express what this does to my heart.  who is this God who wants relationship with someone as broken as me?  who is this God that death on a cross to win my love and my life was His plan a?  i have to know Him so i can love Him because no one has ever loved me like that before.

He didn't give up His own life for the one He created it because He had to fix the mess we made.  He wanted to do it and planned to before forming the dust in His hands and breathing life into the nostrils.  He wanted to do it before i could even see my own weakness and acknowledge i was in need of saving.

i must have more of this kind of love.

charis

awaken our hearts

i have been reading the song of solomon again lately and i have been struck with this thought:  i cannot even desire to love Him without Him giving me the desire.  without His beckoning and imparting the grace for me to desire, i would live my life in cold apathy.  in order for me to even realize that i am not experiencing the fullness of life, He must come and awaken my heart and open up my eyes. 

so many times i find myself like the young bride in the song of solomon.  i do have that initial desire that He has given me, but i get so caught up in life that i find myself grasping for the comfort of my routines and slumber (sometimes figurative and sometimes quite literal).  often i need that gentle kick in the pants to go seek Him out. 

i was asleep but my heart was awake. a voice! my Beloved was knocking: 'open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my perfect one! for my head is drenched with dew, my locks with the damp of the night.'
"i have taken off my dress, how can i put it on again? i have washed my feet, how can i dirty them again?" song of solomon 5:2-3

so many times i have that initial desire - even though i am lulled to sleep by the rush and churning all around me, deep down my heart is awakened to love Him.  yet i cannot muster up the motivation to go to Him even when He comes to me.  the cares of this life, good and bad, lull me to sleep and it is so hard to get myself to come out of it.  how i wish i had the strength of will and courage to follow through on my desires for Jesus every time.  but so many many times i do not follow through.  so many times none of us do.

but here is the amazing part:  He keeps coming back to call us to Himself.  you see, there is a difference between rebellion and immature love.  He is so faithful to seek me even in my rebellion.  what i am suffering from is not rebellion.  i am simply immature in my love for Him.   i have the initial desire to love Him, but i do not have the strength to carry this love out. 

the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. matthew 26:41

if He is faithful to seek me even in my rebellion, how much more faithful is He to come to me again and again in my immaturity.  He awakens this love inside until it is not only a warm feeling when He draws near, but a blazing fire of active mature love.  here is the good news:  He is faithful in my weakness.  He is there to make me strong.  not strong in the independent "i can take care of myself" type of false strength.  strong in the dependent, "who is this coming out of the wilderness leaning on her Beloved" type of strength that draws curiosity from all onlookers.

immediately after my lazy excuse to not pursue Him whom my heart loves, He comes once again:

my Beloved extended His hand through the opening, 
and my feelings were aroused for Him. 
song of solomon 5:4

this time i am stirred to get up but He is gone.  yet again, this is exactly the beauty of His love.  He will do what it takes to bring me to higher and higher levels of real love, even if it means removing His immediate warm fuzzy feeling presence for a short season.  if i can love Him when the warm fuzzies aren't present, i am starting to learn what is real love.  He does not withdraw Himself forever.  He always returns to His bride whose heart yearns for Him.

i will leave you with a mike bickle quote that comes back to mind over and over again when i think about the trials of life that draw me to the Lord, even the withdrawing of His nearness for a time.

God uses the least severe means possible
to bring forth the greatest amount of love 
at the deepest level.

awaken our hearts that we might love You.

charis

today's inspiration

Your love, O Lord, reaches to the heavens,

Your faithfulness to the skies.

Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,

Your justice like the great deep.

O Lord, You preserve both man and beast.

How priceless is Your unfailing love!

Both high and low among me

find refuge in the shadow of Your wings.

the feast on the abundance of Your house;

You give them drink from Your rive of delights.

for with You is the fountain of life;

in Your light we see light.

psalm 36: 5-9

charis

i know no one like Him

to read more on this amazing man's humility or His invitation into fullness of joy, click and read!

"you have heard that it was said, 'you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' "but I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on {the} evil and {the} good, and sends rain on {the} righteous and {the} unrighteous."for if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? do not even the tax collectors do the same? "if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing {than others?} do not even the Gentiles do the same? "therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. matthew 5:43-38

such a powerful statement.  forgiveness.  love my enemies.  pray for those who treat me horribly.  i am told to lay down my right for revenge, or at the very least my right to resentment, and to not only chose to not hate the ones who treat me badly but to love them.

earlier in the same sermon Jesus said:

"you have heard that it was said, 'an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.' "but I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.  "if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. "whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. "give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you."  matthew 5:38-42

do not resist an evil person.  Jesus tells me to not only allow them to abuse me, but to forgive fully to the point of love and praying for them.  i do not have to tell you the anger that arises inside and causes the cheeks to burn and eyes to well up when asked to forgive and pray for those who have set themselves against me when everything within wants to do the opposite.  no one could ask this of me, but the One who did it Himself.

i am once again taken back by the realization that God Himself in the person of Jesus took upon the scorn of all humanity, the very ones He created for His delight, and then while He was hanging on the cross because of the sin and hatred in man, He not only turned the other cheek, but He prayed, Father, forgive them.  they don't know what they do. 

He did not resist me when i fought against Him.  when i struck Him, He turned to me His other cheek and did not strike me back.  when i demanded of Him, He gave me much more than i had even required.  and when i made myself His enemy, He loved me and prayed that my eyes would be opened to the truth of His love.

and i cannot resist this kind of love.  i know no one like Him.

   

charis

how is your beloved better than the others?

i was speaking to an engaged young woman a couple years ago about the role of a woman in marriage and i noticed her hesitations to read the scriptures in the bible about women and marriage. i asked her why, and her response was that she wasn’t into that whole male domination thing and didn’t like the word submit. likewise i have talked to many married women over the years who still struggle with the same thing: he is not going to tell me what to do. i am an independent woman and i am not going to have someone controlling me.

because of abuses of control in the past, many women in my generation are operating out of fear and grasping at what they imagine to be control of their own lives. unfortunately, operating with the starting point of fear always leads to manipulation: if i am afraid that you will control me, i do everything in my power to create circumstances where that will never happen. when i start to suspect a disruption to my false reality i have created around myself to keep me safe, i will go to any measure, often not overtly, to make sure nothing is changed in this self-created comfort zone. if my security is challenged by someone, i can make them feel guilty and sorry that they ever approached the subject.

this subtle and often difficult to detect way of self-preservation is really manipulation and what is called in the bible witchcraft. and, because of the overuse and misuse of these terms, along with others such as “a jezebel spirit,” many women have made themselves untouchable and unteachable in these areas by putting up a wall when someone tries to approach the subject.

i had the example in my home of something that i did not and still do not see often. my mom was an excellent example to me of what it meant to submit to her husband. my dad is the best example that i know of a husband encouraging his wife to rise to her calling and do everything in her heart to do. growing up my mom led worship, had a career, was very active in many leadership levels at our church and yet she did not have to demand her rights or talk my dad into recognizing her value. i wish this was more often the case, and i was very spoiled by my dad telling me my whole life that i could do anything a boy could do and do it better. i quickly found out that not everyone had the value to either put their marriage as a priority nor serve the calling of their husband or wife. my dad would often tell me that the apostle paul's teaching on submission in marriage were directed at both spouses: both were to love the other to the point of laying down even their lives.

why are so many christian women afraid to dive into what the Lord said about marriage and godliness as a woman? i think i can relate with how i viewed marriage when i was in high school and college. in my teenage years and early twenties i was very leery of marriage and the confines i believed came with it. i too said, “no one is telling me what to do,” fearing i would find a husband who would be much like a task master who would not value who i was as an individual but just want me to serve him without value in return. (bit of an exaggeration, but it is amazing how fear can make one believe all sorts of exaggerations and irrational thoughts to be true.) probably mostly influenced by the spirit of the age and the prevalent message that women could live fuller lives without a husband or children. i thought i would be swept off of my feet by some guy, only for him to change once he had “caught” me, and somehow i would end up stuck in this relationship forever and not ever fulfill my own dream or plans. (i do not believe in divorce as an option in my life.)

i was afraid of the unhappiness i saw in so many marriages, including christian marriages, and i wanted nothing to do with it. though i longed to be known by someone and loved unconditionally, as well as to be able to give this knowing and unconditional love to someone else, i had very little confidence in the reality of it happening in a real relationship that wasn’t dreamed up in my head. plus, all the verses of “submit” and “women shall not speak” made me angry inside. i felt like women were viewed as sub-human and a lesser than of man in much of the church and was convinced that i needed to look out for number one. it wasn’t until the Lord did His work in my heart that i could see a hope for something different than i had maybe seen as an outside observer to many relationships. it wasn't until this point that i realized i didn't need to fight for my rights to live the call on my life.

as women, and really just as people in general, we need to first experience love from the Bridegroom God before we can ever receive love from the bridegroom (or wife if you are a male) in our own home. it is life-changing to believe He loves me when i am dark and imperfect. it changes everything when i believe Him when He says i am lovely. it will change the way i operate, give love, and receive love. it will change the lenses of the glasses with which i view life. this transforming power is what draws me time and time again to the book of the song of solomon.

how is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women?
how is your beloved better than others, that you charge us so?
song of solomon 5:9

i see this question as the classic question of why should i as a woman give all i am to a man with the possibility that he will abuse it and not treasure it, leaving me hurting and disillusioned? why should we as people, male and female, give all we are to the Man Christ Jesus and surrender the control and autonomy of our lives? the current generation of women seem to believe that we are the first to desire freedom and liberty. we imagine we are the first to be unhappy with the idea of being confined or restricted in some way. but we can see here that it is an age old fear and this is an age old question, regardless of time, generation, or gender. tell me, how do i know that this beloved is better than others that He will not treat me as the others? how could you charge me to lay down my freedom and control of my life for another?

this Bridegroom King, Jesus, has a love so deep and full and amazing that it will not disappoint, like we have been disappointed by others. it is so mysterious that we will never grow bored or tired of discovering it more and more. it is so unconditional that we will become more and more confident and free and liberated within the confines of His love and our relationship. i see my darkness; He calls me lovely. i have been abused by others in the past; He calls me perfect one and treats me with tenderness and kindness. i try to hide behind my veils and walls and safe places of my “boundaries” or “personality,” and He calls me most beautiful of women and asks me to draw near into His chambers and leave all the safety behind. (song of solomon 1).

to obtain this love, so unconditional and so transforming and so freeing, i would willingly lay down my rights to my freedom and control. to experience what every heart yearns for, i would willingly submit, serve, and follow like the beloved. but life isn’t like that right? i mean, a husband is merely a man and men with ultimate unchecked power are prone to evil, right? and if I don’t look out for myself, as i heard a girl friend of mine say in passing the other day in talking about her marriage, who will? he {her husband} will walk all over me.

i am proposing the most ridiculous of answers to this age old struggle of women with leaving our comfort to follow this relationship: i am suggesting that this freedom and love and autonomy we all long for as women, and really as humans male and female alike, is actually found in the act of service, submission, and laying down our lives for someone else.

more to come...

charis