undignified

word for the day:  dance

start.

sometimes it is all i can do to keep from breaking out in full blown dance before the Lord.  it is often at the most awkward times that my limbs ache to express the building pressure in my heart, bursting forth like a volcanic eruption.

i will become even more undignified than this... 2 samuel 6:22

i used to feel silly cranking up the worship music and dancing before the Lord.  i would lock all the doors in my little apartment in college and tighten the blinds.  i would feel the tension in my shoulders that a roommate may come home and walk in on my intimate moment with the Lord.

but somehow i couldn't help it.  the overwhelming overflowing love for Jesus just wanting to burst forth with my whole being.

this was a season during that college time, a dark night of my soul, when as a vocal major i had to go on voice rest because of nodules.  i did not know worship without singing.  i felt a hurting disconnect from the Lord.

yet i heard His small voice urging my heart to dance before Him.

worship Him with dance.

and so like david, even when it causes others to stare and giggle at my foolishness, i long to dance with utter abandon before Him and give Him the overflowing worship that is due His name.

even sitting in a quiet prayer room, i long to jump out of my seat and worship with extravagant praise.  the tingling in my feet to move to the rhythm of the music.

stop.

want to join in?  it is easy. i look forward to joining in whenever i can on a friday.



5 minute friday rules:
1. write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2.link back here and invite others to join in.
3. please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them.

we have been away of a trip. - oh what a trip! we have been crazy busy but enjoying every blessed moment of being out here. - i miss my blog community!  i would love to hear from you in the comments! 

charis

it's all about perspective

word for the day:  perspective

start.

i went into the tire store just to get a simple rotation.  in and out in 15 minutes right?  turns out i need two new tires.  again.  a fresh alignment.  again.  4th alignment in the 2 years we have owned the van and tires # 7 and 8 that we have purchased in the same amount of time.  something is off and i am not sure what.

they tell me that it is uneven wear.  the inside edges of the tires are wearing too fast and getting bald while the outside edges are fine.  it has been the same problem of inside wear since we bought this car and no one knows how to stop the reoccurring problem. 

i feel myself quite like the tires.  i am getting worn and weary from uneven wear.  taking my kids on a simple errand to target i am on edge, barking orders to them of what not to do.  finishing the daily routines i have angst rise up and grumbling escape my lips in a whisper.  mustering up all the self-control i can i try to silence the gateway before hurtful words escape that cannot fully be undone by i'm sorry.

i am off.  uneven wear.  the inside is growing bald while the outside looks pretty much the same.  simple trials of life - car repairs, broken garbage disposals, dying computers... all seem to pile on the pressure and try the health of my soul.  

and i open to the book of acts and read of paul and silas beaten and thrown in prison - it was at midnight that they sang.  after mistreatment and pain and life just not going right they sang praises to their God.

what is the remedy for uneven wear, for the inner edges going bald too quickly - the barrenness in my own soul that i am too keenly aware of at the present moment?  sing.

sing and be realigned with truth.

stop.

photo credit

want to join in?  it is easy.



5 minute friday rules:
1. write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2.link back here and invite others to join in.
3. please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them.

as always,  i love to hear from you in the comments! 

charis

she is...

she is beautiful.  she is kind.  she is creative beyond imagination.

one of my most vivid childhood memories is her example of worshiping God.  i remember going to worship practices with her and playing in the back of the church while she worshiped God practicing with the team.  at home she would often turn on a worship tape (yes, back in the days when we listened to cassette tapes) and would sing and dance in the middle of the room.  she took piano lessons as an adult so that she could write her own songs to the Lord on the piano and worship in our living room.  she engrained in me the importance of taking time to worship God at home, not just in the larger gathering of believers. (though she has led worship in both)

she seemed to have a mini crisis with the idea becoming a grandma, but as soon as my oldest son was set to arrive she was fully engaged with the new life that was coming.  now, 11 grandkids later, she is known to crawl around on the floor playing hide and seek, take out all her percussion instruments letting them play loudly to their hearts' content while having family worship time, and always has one of the many by her side giving her cuddles.  she is engaged in these little lives and will influence them in a way that only a grandparent (or nonnie in her case) can - they will hear words from her that they may not receive as warmly from mommy and daddy and they will open up their tender hearts to her.

she set a godly example of what it meant to be a faithful loving wife.  i remember a conversation with her in my teenage years about how once a girl gets married her husband is to be her closest male friend.  she strongly believed and encouraged friends, rather than committed relationships, with the opposite sex while we were too young to get married.  but she warned that close friendships with the opposite sex were for before marriage and not to give close confidence to other men after marriage that was meant for your husband.  she married her best friend and encouraged each of us to do the same.  i took this all to heart.  she showed me that marriage is for life, not for when it is convenient, and the example she and my dad have given about faithfulness and covenant has been a gift beyond what she may ever fully know. 

like a broken record she hammered forgiveness into us as we grew up.  she told me the most important thing i will ever learn is how to forgive.  she didn't have an inflated view of herself, but in humility told us that we would someday have to forgive even her, though she always tried to give us the best she could and knew how.  as i raise my own kids, i remember that i will not be perfect, though i really desire to be good.  i remember her example to humble myself to my own kids and admit my imperfections.  i work to pass on the high value for forgiveness - the greatest gift Jesus gives us and the most important gift we give to others and to ourselves.

in a hard stretch of time between me and my siblings, when i was much too consumed with friends and not kind enough to the ones God had chosen for my family, she reminded me again and again that my siblings would be my best friends when i grew up.  she was right.  i am thankful that she had vision to see what God would do in our relationships when i could not see.  i too tell my boys to remember that friends will come and go, but their brothers will be there forever as their best friends.

she has modeled generosity and servanthood again and again and again.  putting her own needs aside, she has given and loved in the most real practical way those around her who are hurting or in need.  she has become the armor bearer to those who are in enormous personal battles.  she is compassionate, wise, and kind - an amazing support when support is what is needed most.  she is a friend when it is most important to be a friend.

she has so much deep inside of her that is so beautiful, waiting to come out.  she isn't ambitious to make herself known, but happy to serve the Lord wherever He places her.  she has shown me that it is right to trust the Lord to open the doors and show what He has for me right now... that we love and worship the Lord in whatever He has put before us for this season of life.

she is my mama.

i am incredibly blessed to be her daughter. 

 charis

6 keys to dealing with emotional funks

image by mee lin woon

i was asked a couple weeks ago by one of the members of the facebook page for this blog if i could write a bit about how to deal with emotional funks (and even specifically hormonal emotional funks).

i think this is a great question and it has had me thinking for the past couple weeks and even gathering insight from others in our at the gate called beautiful community.  how as christian women are we to deal with the very real emotional swings in life, in the month, or even in the day? (this could apply to men too!  i know women are not the only ones that struggle with emotions).

1. worship.  it has to be my number one go-to fix for broken emotions.  remember, emotions are not good or bad, but they are an indicator of the health of your heart.  if your heart isn't doing well, chances are the emotions are going to give you little warnings so that you can do something about it.  (kinda like pain giving indications of something wrong in the body).

a bird doesn't sing because he has an answer.  he sings because he has a song. unknown

i happen to be a worship leader and a musician, so the most natural place for me to worship is at my upright piano in my living room.  my favorite times to worship are the few times i can get where no one is around to hear me, especially when i am very broken emotionally.  with a husband and 4 little ones, sometimes i have to stay up extra late at night to make this work.

i find crying out to the Lord in the form of song to be one of the most pleasurable experiences of life.  it doesn't matter what funk or pit i come to Him in, my vision is always realigned to gazing on the beauty of Him.  every time i gaze on Him i cannot help but be changed.

but we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. 2 corinthians 3:18

every time. 

nothing changes in my circumstances.  everything shifts on the inside and the raging emotions, the surging hormones, just seem to melt - often into a puddle of tears.  (one of the reasons i love to do this specific type of worship time alone).  i cannot tell you how many tears have fallen on the broken keys of my 1900 upright baldwin piano.  i cannot tell you how many times my voice has cracked and gone off key as i could barely get out the words of a simple chorus.  i cannot tell you how many times i felt Him, really felt Him, meet me in the midst of whatever it is i was feeling so strongly and bring me peace.

you might not be a musician.  that is okay.  you can crank up your favorite Jesus culture you tube video or blast your favorite worship album in the car or on your ipod.  you don't have to sing well to worship well.  worship is the heart posture that says,

 i will love You no matter what is going on in life.  i will lift you high and say that You are good.  i will believe the truth and not my emotions because You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

dance.  sometimes this is the only way to break free from the emotional chains - stomp them down and look like a fool.  i seem to remember a very famous king who did this very thing and God said he was a man after His own heart.     (2 samuel 6:14)

2. cry out to the Lord.  one of the gals on our facebook conversation said she sometimes just prays, "help me, please, please, help me!"  i cannot tell you how many many times this has been my exact prayer.  did you know it is legal to pray for yourself?  it totally is legal! 

when we ask the Father to send the Holy Spirit to help us, He always does.  always.  (you can stand on that one.)  our prayers don't have to be fancy or long or even coming from a place of knowing exactly what it is that we are needing.  just asking Him to help is enough.

if you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him? luke 11:13

3. tell your emotions to stop all their noise!

why are you downcast, o my soul? why so disturbed within me? put your hope in God, for i will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. psalm 42:5, psalm 42:11, psalm 43:5

emotions = soul.  we can speak to our emotions and tell them to get into order.  king david did this all the time.  emotions are great indicators and lousy leaders.  do not let them lead you.  tell them to follow what you choose to do.

He isn't surprised by the raw ugly state of our emotions - He chose to love us with full disclosure of our brokenness.  we can come to Him and hope in Him, no matter how ugly our emotions may look at the current moment.

4. let the small things really be the small things and focus on what really matters.  it really is simple but feels like a hard thing to do.  if the laundry is piled up, there are tons of errands to run, bills unpaid, calls to make... remind yourself, what really matters in eternity?  for one day, or for even a couple hours in one day, you can let these things that seem so important wait.  take the time to get your heart aligned and these mountains will shrink in their size.  everything does not have to get done right now and you probably won't do a great job at doing them in your current emotional state anyways.

5. ask for prayer.  let yourself be vulnerable with other women (or your husband even!) in the body of Christ.  we are here to be a support for each other.  although it is so hard and humbling to admit our weakness and admit we don't have it all together all of the time, it is so amazing to have someone pray for you.  if you can, have them pray with you right then and there.  i have ended up in a mess of tears and felt the heaviness lift when i have taken the step to do this with women i know.

we think people are judging us for not having it all together.  they usually aren't.  actually showing our weakness and asking for help can encourage someone else who also has bad days.  you can give another woman the courage to ask for prayer when she needs it if you step out first yourself.

6. eat right and sleep well.  this simple reminder can make a world of difference.  when emotions are crazy, it is so tempting to splurge on all sorts of things that won't really make us feel better.  take time to take a nap.  take a walk.  drink some calming herbal tea.  eat something nourishing to your body.  take care of these little things and it will help you focus on the big things.

in what ways do you deal with emotional or hormonal funks?  

what have you found to help pull you out of the pit?

charis

He is trying to get our attention.

for the past month or so, the Lord has had me on my own personal journey of repentance.  i have had a shaking in my heart... i really do mean a shaking.  i have had my eyes opened to areas of darkness and compromise in my own heart, and tasted of the actual fear of the Lord in a small measure perhaps for the first time in my life.  i am sober.  i am searching the Word of God looking for what He would have me to do.  i have been looking to see what is the consistent message of the Word - both the written and the Word made Flesh who dwelt among us...

repent. 

this is the word that i cannot get away from.  over and over again, whether it was a shaking in the natural or the shaking in the heart of man, the Bible is consist on the fruit all shaking is to produce: repentance.

some would say that our repentance started and ended at the initial salvation experience.  as good as it sounds, the apostles on the 1st church would disagree.  they said to repent.  repent of dead works.  repent of compromise.  repent of lawlessness and love of the world's systems. 

in the book of acts after the outpouring of the Holy Spirit upon the 40 in the upper room, peter says in his famous sermon: 

therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord; and that He may send Jesus, the Christ appointed for you, whom heaven must receive until the period of restoration of all things about which God spoke by the mouth of His holy prophets from ancient times. 

i long for Him to return.  i am reminded to put my hope in His coming, not in the present hour.  i ponder what the restoration of all things means.  i consider that He promised to come for a bride who had made herself ready. 

what does it look like to make myself ready?

i look out my window as i type and hail the size of chickpeas falls heavy on my front lawn as both strange and unseasonal weather for the area in which i live.  it has been hailing for the past week, at some point, almost daily.

some may say, global warming. 

others may say, a strange natural phenomenon or weather pattern. 

i can't help but ask myself, over and over again like a thought that just will not go away, "is He trying to get my attention?  is He trying to get our attention?"  

and if He is, what is it that He is trying to say?  the God whose name is Yahweh, Always, who never changes and is consistent from eternity past, to present, to eternity future, has always had the same message for His creation that He loves.

repent.  return to the Lord.  return to Your Maker.   

how long will it take my dull hard heart to get the simple message?

as an intercessory missionary and a part of the house of prayer i believe the promise in 2 chronicles 7:14 to solomon upon the dedication of the temple is for us as His people even today:

...and My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 

i have heard this verse quoted over and over again in isolation.  i have quoted and prayed this verse myself over and over again in isolation.  but the rule of Bible interpretation is in the context.  we forget about the verse before (or that even the Bible wasn't written in chapter and verse) and the 1st half of the very same sentence! why would His people do these things in the first place?

if I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or if I command the locust to devour the land, or if I send pestilence among My people,

He is trying to get our attention. 

i would love to find a way to say that these things are not from God.  it may simply be normalcy bias, (if you aren't familiar with that term, it is fascinating), but just like everyone else, i just wish these things would go away and i could go on with life as usual.  i wish the questions weren't there.   i resist my heart being affected.  for my own heart gets offended at the thought that the One who heals could also be the One who wounds:

the Lord will strike egypt, striking but healing; 
so they will return to the Lord, 
and He will respond to them and will heal them.  
                                                     isaiah 19:22

i am not writing to argue about whether God sends earthquakes or judgments on the earth, if it is the result of sin in the world, or if it is simply a natural phenomenon that God is completely disconnected from.  (or probably several other options and combinations of the above in differing degrees).

however, as much as i search it out, there is not one place in the Word that i can find that says anything but that He consistently takes credit for using nature to get the attention of people - to draw out repentance.

if my people...

humble themselves,

pray,

seek My face,

repent from their wicked ways...


He who is mighty to heal is the One who is calling me to repent.


He is calling us to repent.


for He loves mercy.  He longs to forgive.  He longs to heals.

repentance.

let him who has ears hear what the Spirit is saying to the church.

may my ears be open. 

may my eyes see. 

may my heart not be dull. 

may my spirit not sleep.

because we know You are a God of mercy far greater than our own capacity for mercy, we turn to you - i turn to you - and repent. 

You who never change, You declared Your name to moses (exodus 34) and i take comfort in Your name.

then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, "the Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations."  moses made haste to bow low toward the earth and worship.

i too repent.  i bow low.  i worship Him who alone is Mighty to Save.  He alone is good.  He alone can be trusted.

charis

1.2.3.4...

1.2.3.4.

2.4.8.

1.2.3.4.

2.4.8.

i kept seeing these numbers again and again during my pregnancy with my number 3 son.

1.2.3.4.

2.4.8.

what did they mean?  i did not know, but i would see them over and over again.

well, my number 3 son has an interesting story about his birth.  we were starting the house of prayer in redding and our very first worship and prayer set was going to be on a friday night in january.  my parents volunteered to watch my older two boys while they slept... the set was very late at night... and my husband and i went to pray and worship.  as i played the keyboard i started having contractions so hard i would have to stop singing.  i started having them so often i started to cry and stopped playing.  i motioned over to my husband, who was playing guitar, that this very well may be the night our number 3 son was to be born.  we found another member of our team to replace us as worship leading the set, and off we went to my parents' house in preparation for a possible baby.

no, david did not come that night, as i prayed through 4 hours of contractions at my parents' house that he would wait.  but if it were up to david, he wanted to come and join us in starting the house of prayer in redding.

just like his namesake, he has always been a little worshiping warrior.  mama and dada put our hands to helping rebuild the tabernacle of david... and our own david wanted to come out early to join our efforts.

oh david!  you were in a hurry to join our family weren't you?

david not only tried to join us early that night, but he came as our only surprise baby of our four... about 3 years before we were planning on another baby.

david!  you knew God had a purpose for you to come when you did.  you knew that you had destiny.  this was the time.  mama did not see it, but God did.  you did.  you knew you were a house of prayer baby... bringing the prophesy of your name with you.

beloved.  the Lord strengthens.

david ezekiel.

your name literally means beloved, the Lord strengthens.

oh david, that is who you are!  if anyone was a living prophesy of his name, it is you.

as i asked the Lord about my number 3 baby while he was still in my womb, as i did so often with all my babies, i heard Him clearly say:  destiny.  this baby is My treasure.

this meant something to me.  you see... this baby came before i thought i was ready for another baby.  but the Lord knew i needed him.  the Lord knew his specific destiny.  the Lord was shouting to me, this baby is MY treasure.

my beloved son in whom i am well pleased.

so 10 days later... 10 days after david tried to come join our very first house of prayer worship set at bethel church, our david really did arrive at 12:34 on 2.4.08

1.2.3.4.

2.4.8.

destiny.  this baby is My treasure.

david, you were my only baby where my water broke at home.  i was talking to your pa on the phone and it was so surreal, just like the movies!  i called to your dada and said, i think my water broke!  he didn't believe me at first and questioned how i knew.  it was night time.  your brothers were in bed and one of them was sick.  good thing uncle kurt and aunt heather were there to play cards with us because they became last minute babysitters.  we were not ready for you to come, but God was always ready with a plan.

david, i am so glad you waited those 10 days because God was protecting you from a very bad virus your brother uriah had.  God knew uriah needed a few more days of being mama's baby because of the seizures he would have from his high fevers.  God knew you needed to be protected for a few more days.  so He answered my prayer and kept you in a little bit longer.

but david, when my water broke, you were waiting no more.  we had you only 40 minutes after we got to the hospital.  we only live 5 minutes from the hospital.  it was not even quite 2 hours after i started labor.  david you were in a hurry to meet your mama.  dada will always remember the sound of the doctor's sneakers running down the labor and delivery hall to try to get there to catch you!  my fastest labor, delivery, and biggest baby delivered sunny-side up in one push at 9 pounds 11 ounces though 5 days (well, 4 because you held out for just after midnight) early!

oh david!  your mama did not smile for more than an hour after you were born.  i was so happy for you to be here, but i hurt so badly.  your birth was unbelievable.  your birth may have been my fastest, but in so many ways you were my most painful.  but never fear david, for in the pain of life the Lord has promise:  beloved.  the Lord strengthens.

you are the perfect fit for our family.  the Lord knew what He was doing.  you were my easiest baby among 4 amazing babies.  you slept in my sling while i led worship during prayer sets at the watch.  you slept in a nest of blankets on the stage next to my keyboard as i led worship as you got older.  you were in the house of prayer from day one.  you are my worshiping warrior.  God will use you mightily david and you will be zealous for Him as a youth.  He promised me this about you.  He has His hand on you and you have destiny for being here.

you are His treasure.

you are my treasure my beloved son.  i am so glad God knew better than i did and that He gave you to me when He did.  you have made me a better person by being your mama.  i love you more than life.  i would give my life for you.  thank you for being my friend.

you will always be my beloved son in whom i am well pleased.

charis