Thursday, April 23, 2009

His mercy is everlasting

the one thing i hope to never have is regret. yet here as i am soon turning 30, i am reflecting on my life and the choices i have made, words i have said, and actions... and i find regret. as i look back, i mourn the lack of righteousness in key moments in my life. there are certain memories that i wish i could go back and have a "redo" to fix the messes i caused.

one such situation is my relationship with my sister when we were kids. i am not even sure the details of ages and situations because of my blurry memory, but at some point when we were kids i switched from being childhood friends with her to trying to push her out of my life. now having kids and watching the sibling dynamics between the younger looking up to the older and trying so hard to copy their every move to win the affections of the older, my heart mourns my lack of kindness towards my own sister. what i saw as annoying and her surely copying me to get under my skin, i now realize was the love and adoration of the little sister to the older sister. and i was so cruel. i pushed her away. i mean, yes, all siblings bicker and struggle, but i feel like in my immaturity and selfish attitude i pushed away her love towards me and wounded her when she was just trying to be like me because she loved me.
foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him. proverbs 22:17

through this difficult stage in our relationship, made difficult mainly by me, our mom would tell us to love each other because when we grew up we would be good friends. just recently, my sister found an old journal entry of hers and read it to me. she had written something about how my mom had told her that we would someday be good friends, but that she didn't believe her because she didn't think i would ever like her. to hear her perspective of how i hurt her in her writing as a kid broke my heart! i now look back on the rocky parts of our relationship and i can see how i have reaped what i have sown. i also look back and i am amazed at the mercy and kindness of God that my sister is now my closest friend even though i do not deserve it. in realizing my own brokenness as a human on a deeper level over the past few days, i am brought to tears. even my best efforts are filthy rags. yet He is faithful beyond what i could ever deserve.
blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled.
blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
blessed are those who have been persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil about you because of Me,
rejoice and be glad for your reward in heaven is great, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. matthew 5
right now i feel like i am keenly aware that i am poor in spirit and i am in the midst mourning of my own brokenness. the good news is, not only will i receive the kingdom of heaven when i can recognize my own poverty of spirit, but He is my comforter when i mourn. i cannot go back and change my decisions, but i can choose to live a life more filled with the fragrance and fruit of Jesus now in my life, as well as thank the Lord for His mercy and goodness in my relationship with my sister in spite of my mistakes and failures.
for the Lord is good, and His mercy is everlasting and His truth endures to all generations. psalm 100

i love you nichole! you are my sister and my friend. thank you for loving me.



Heather Zeller said...

Well said Charis! We sure were mean to our precious little sisters back in the day. Since having little people of my own I have apologized to Abby many times for how mean I was to her. I am so thankful God has been gracious and allowed us to live in the same places for the last 8 years and has given us a wonderful friendship. I don't know where I would be without her or what I am going to do when we live half way around the world from each other in a couple of years!

Amanda said...

Thanks for sharing this Charis. As an older sister to a younger brother, we went through something very similar. Thankfully we are great friends now but as I read your words I am reminded of my own unkindness during that time - and out pop the tears. Thanks to God for restoring ALL things.

suzanne mogensen said...

wow, Charis. That's about all I can say. I was an only child so I can't relate to that exact facet of what you're saying, but I know about regret. How beautiful it is to the Lord when we recognize our sinful natures and fall on His mercy. How endearing that must be to His father's heart. We have all sinned and fallen short of His glory. Thanks for the reminder today. It brought tears to my eyes too. He is so good.

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