day 13: my marriage advice

*it is ironic that i was already half done writing this post when i got into a dramatic disagreement with my husband. (note: all the drama and most the disagreeing was coming from me). interesting how the Lord will often test if we are willing to walk out the message we feel He is giving us to share with others. 

i am thankful for my husband. he is a good man, not perfect, but a man who loves the Lord who i like to have around.

i am going to resist from telling you all the things that are "not so perfect" about my husband when you and i hang out and have coffee together. this isn't because he is a flawless creature. it seems that it is more popular to tell our girlfriends all the things that are annoying about our husband. "he doesn't do this... i hate it when he does that... we are just going through such a hard time (all the time)..." inevitably hearing this reminds us about the things that annoy us about our husbands too, and we women can be quick to join in the complaining. i have been at girls' nights when i left feeling slightly sick to my stomach from all the complaining i heard about the husbands hoping that men don't talk with the same freedom of tongue that their wives do.

listen, we have had our share of tough marriage times. i am not in some perpetual blissful ignorance of marital woes. i do think, however, it isn't the wisest thing to blast it all over social media or to all my girlfriends. this isn't for the sake of how we appear in our marriage - no, this is for the health of my own soul and for the health of my marriage.

there are reasons a woman falls in love with a man and chooses to vow her life to be by his side. yet, in the middle of conflict or stressful times it can be hard to remember why we like this person we are walking with through life. we are too quick to forget the good things when the hard things are clamoring loudly for our attention.

even when we do appreciate different traits or aspects of our husbands, we don't share them out loud like maybe we should. yet, don't you agree that if you heard someone sharing about the parts of her husband that she is still attracted to, it could have a similar chain reaction effect as the complaining does?

i was thinking in light of this writing challenge... what if i committed every day for a month to tell someone something i really liked about my husband. how do you think my heart and perspective would be at the end of that month? by focusing on what my husband is doing right and on his strengths, my whole attitude would be vastly different than if i spent the month grumbling and complaining about all his flaws.

paul wrote to the philippian church:

finally, brothers and sisters, 
whatever is true, whatever is noble, 
whatever is right, whatever is pure, 
whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable
—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—
think about such things. phil 4:8

giving thanks changes our hearts and nourishes our souls.

what we focus on colors the lens with which we view life.

even if i didn't commit for 31 days to focusing on what i like and love about my husband, but just became more purposeful in thinking on the things that are lovely, the things that are admirable especially in the heated moments, would it soften my heart to believe the best and apologize and forgive quickly?

my marriage advice is do as paul said to the philippians, but apply it to your marriage. give thanks in your marriage. i know i need to do this more myself as i want a vibrant marriage and a vibrant heart. so, let me take a moment to practice what i preach.

5 things that are lovely and admirable about my husband:

1. he is a really good daddy. he spends time with our kids. when he disciplines our boys, he takes the time to connect to their hearts and shepherd them instead of just punishing a behavior. it is beautiful.

2. he is good about telling me often that he thinks i am pretty. i am freshly not the only girl in this house and sometimes as a girl you just need to know that your outfit is cute and that you are having a good hair day.

3. he is a hard worker. we live in a house built in the 50's and so it has both charm and older house issues frequently. he spent 25 hours a week ago fixing a plumbing problem that had a domino effect of issues. i didn't hear him really complain except with humor trying to laugh about it.

4. he is a man of prayer. he wakes early in the morning to spend time with the Lord. i am not an early riser and i really admire how he gets up before the sun to pray.

5. he has a really cute smile. it is one of my favorite things about him from the moment i met him.

what is something you can give thanks for about your 

husband that you could share?

want to read more about marriage? click here to read my whole series.



charis



want to read more of my 31 days of thanks? just click on the box below - it is that simple.

if you ever had a doubt about what God feels about marriage... or what He feels about you

imagine a beautiful woman who just can't stop straying from her husband. the husband is deeply committed and loves her faithfully, but she is so wrapped up in affairs away from home. she even has had children that most people suspect belong to someone else because they don't look like their "father."

imagine this woman hasn't cheated on her husband once, or even twice... but again and again and again. she is more caught up in what everyone else can offer her that she is unaware of what her husband wants to provide for her as security and family. she longs to be noticed and desired - to be the one who turns everyone's head when she walks by. she is insecure, afraid, and damaged from her youth, hiding behind this so-called power and independence. in reality, she is afraid to let her husband into the deep parts of her heart, so she hurts the one who loves her most.

unfortunately, i have known many marriages to fall apart lately because one spouse or the other was unfaithful. sometimes the one who is unfaithful refuses to come back. but even when the unfaithful spouse claims to want to work it out, the husband or wife who have been violated in the covenant often can't get past the pain of the waywardness of the one they loved. a betrayal on the most intimate level is excruciating and devasting, and often we wonder what God's opinion is on the whole matter.

as i wrote in my controversial post on divorce, God has a definite view of divorce in the bible. as i mention there - i am most interested, however, in His view on marriage. marriage is meant to be a picture of His relationship to the people of israel, and really all humanity. His nature is unchanging, so we know how He is towards them doesn't change towards any of us. God longed for people to know His heart and faithful nature, so He called a man named hosea to be a prophet who did the unthinkable - he lived out a prophetic picture of what God intended marriage to be and what He was trying to say to His own wayward people.

it is a powerful message if we can soften our hearts enough to really get it. it is the most beautiful love story, more beautiful than anything fairy tales or hollywood could dream up. it is a story with betrayal, pain, real brokenness, honor, courage, undeserved forgiveness, and redeeming love. it is the lowest point of humanity and the highest point of God colliding. it is a story that could forever change the way you relate to both your spouse and God Himself.

God told hosea that He would make it miserable for His bride to persist in her unfaithfulness. He would basically corner her in her sin - thorns on one side, a wall on another. He would allow the sin she insisted on to become painful and unenjoyable. He would make it very difficult for her to go back to her path of sin easily; very difficult to persist in her unfaithfulness. maybe when it was so difficult to get to the other lovers, she would turn back to her Husband; if not out of love, out of no other option.

"therefore, behold, I will hedge up her way with thorns,
and I will build a wall against her so that she cannot find her paths.
she will pursue her lovers, but she will not overtake them;
and she will seek them, but will not find them.
then she will say, 'i will go back to my first husband,
for it was better for me then than now!'
for she does not know that it was I who gave her the grain,
the new wine and the oil,
and lavished on her silver and gold,  
which they used for baal."

you see, she did not know that all of her provision came from Him. she thought she was making a way for herself. she thought the things, and the men, she gave herself to was making her life more full. she thought that she could exist without her Husband.

"I will also put an end to all her gaiety,
her feasts, her new moons, her sabbaths
and all her festal assemblies.
I will destroy her vines and fig trees,
of which she said, 'these are my wages
which my lovers have given me.'
and I will make them a forest,
and the beasts of the field will devour them.
"I will punish her for the days of the baals
when she used to offer sacrifices to them
and adorn herself with her earrings and jewelry,
and follow her lovers, so that she forgot Me," declares the Lord. 

and so sin would become unenjoyable. ever had something that should be so fun be so miserable because you knew it was wrong? the parties would cease. the profit from the wayward ways would dry up. instead of feeling like a well of provision, her lifestyle would prove to be a trap that she could not climb out of on her own.

can you hear the emotion of God in these words? in reading them aloud i envision tears streaming down the face of the Husband as He slowly and softly lets the words tumble out of His mouth - "so. that. she. forgot. Me..." what painful betrayal. what heartache. if you ever wondered what God thought... or even more, felt about the betrayal of a spouse, you don't have to wonder anymore. He is devastated my friend. He weeps. He has very real emotion, very real grief, very real jealous zeal.

but the part of the story that really grabs my heart is what comes next. the crazy jealous husband makes sense. the fierce emotion that rages when unfaithfulness is discovered, clouding all vision but obsession with the other lovers is something we as humans can relate with whether we have been there ourselves or not. but the tender mercy and absolute kindness that the Lord flows into in the midst of utter pain of rejection is something my feeble attempt at mercy cannot quite wrap my mind around. His response is completely other than anyone or anything i have ever know. the emotion drips off the words of the page and softens even the heart that has built stoney cold walls of protection all around.

"therefore, behold, I will allure her,
bring her into the wilderness
and speak kindly to her.
then I will give her her vineyards from there,
and the valley of achor as a door of hope.
and she will sing there as in the days of her youth,
as in the day when she came up from the land of egypt.
it will come about in that day," declares the Lord,
"that you will call Me Ishi (my husband)
and will no longer call Me Baali. (master)
"for I will remove the names of the baals from her mouth,
so that they will be mentioned by their names no more.
in that day I will also make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field,
the birds of the sky
and the creeping things of the ground.
and I will abolish the bow, the sword and war from the land,
and will make them lie down in safety.
"I will betroth you to Me forever;
yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice,
in lovingkindness and in compassion,
and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness.
then you will know the LORD."

in the depths of pain, gazing upon the wretchedness of human depravity, the Lord responds in compassion and allures the one He loves to Himself.

i have heard the wilderness spoken of in many christian circles as that time of barrenness or when God is far off. my friends, the wilderness is the place of encounter! it is the place where the wayward bride is won back - His kindness is what leads to repentance. the wilderness is where she sees a door of hope. hope - that which she obviously lacked if she felt the compulsion to look for love in all the wrong places. the wilderness is where He teaches her to sing again. the wilderness is where her eyes are opened that the Man she once thought of as a cruel Master was really the tender Husband who desired her unlike any of the other lovers ever could.

and the promises that God lays out to israel, the wayward wife who we still haven't seen come back to Him up unto this point of history, are glorious. He says He has made promises to all creation that are tied to her restoration of love to Him. He says that war and unrest will literally cease. He promises betrothal that has both true justice uncompromised, while overflowing with compassion and lovingkindness. and what gets me is He says she will be faithful. the woman who has the town's reputation for unfaithfulness with one day be faithful as He is faithful... and she will know her Husband.

"it will come about in that day that I will respond," declares the Lord.
 "I will respond to the heavens, and they will respond to the earth,
and the earth will respond to the grain, to the new wine and to the oil,
and they will respond to jezreel.
I will sow her for Myself in the land.
I will also have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion,
and I will say to those who were not My people,
'You are My people!'
and they will say, 'You are my God!'" 

and the beautiful crazy thing that gets thrown on the end this passionate poem is a promise of hope for those of us who are not part of the people called israel... those of us who are just as unfaithful and broken and searching, but weren't the descendants of isaac that He originally chose. He said He will have compassion on us too! we were not His, but He will call us His and we will respond that He is ours. in the midst of the beautiful heart-wrenching love story, He reaches out to the one watching in the distant shadows and says, I love you too. come to Me.

and hosea, the hebrew prophet who bore the same name as Jesus who he forshadowed - salvation is from the Lord - had a commission from the Lord: go get your wife back. even when she left with no plan to return, he was to go and take her back as his own.

then the Lord said to me, "go again, love a woman, who is loved by her husband, yet an adulteress, even as the Lord love the sons of israel, though they turn to other gods and love raisin cakes."
so i bought her for myself for fifteen shekels of silver and a homer and a half of barley.

fifteen shekels of silver, a homer, and a half of barley is the equivalent of 30 pieces of silver.

30 pieces of silver.

if you ever had a doubt about what God feels about marriage, what God feels about wayward israel (who still do not serve Him or walk in their calling as a people - the whole northern kingdom still scattered across the earth), or what God feels about you, hear me now: in the deepest darkness of human depravity, He was willing to go buy back the one He desired from the beginning.

taking on the likeness of humanity, He humbled Himself to the point of death, death on a cross. for a mere 30 pieces of silver He exchanged His life for the one who desired another and wouldn't, couldn't, be faithful to Him.

this type of love could change a life, a whole people group, forever. He didn't love israel when she was the good wife at home raising the kids, cooking the dinner, adoring her husband... in the worst deception and unfaithful betrayal, when she was unwilling to come back and even show the signs of a repentant heart, He chased after her - running out of the heavenly throne room, down into a dirty stable filled with animals and poop, and up the hill to calvary to the worst death imaginable to

get. her. back. as. His. own.

and this picture of God's union to His people is what marriage was always supposed to be a picture of - a faithful, self-sacrificing yes, even if the other half is saying no. it is redeeming love. it is union with the heart of the Beloved whether we are the one who was betrayed showing mercy or who is the redeemed betrayer. it is forgiveness, kindness, the mercy that draws us unto our Husband forever.

"the heart won in kindness is won forever." allen hood

charis

*selections quoted from hosea chapters 2 and 3

the blog post i didn't want to write

you may have noticed it has been pretty quiet around here the past couple weeks.

this is a post i really do not want to write, but if i don't write it i fear i will avoid blogging in general. it is super long, so we will see if anyone actually makes it through the whole thing. i am writing it more for me really - and a little bit for you to have perspective as my readers of where i am coming from in everything i have written over the past year and will write in the future.

saturday, march 9th was my 11 year anniversary with this wonderful guy.

 

see how happy we are? no we don't have a perfect marriage (if you didn't know, they don't exist), but as i have pointed to so many times in my marriage series joy in the journey, we have a darn good one.

saturday morning i posted this as my facebook status:

ok, so i used the wrong "to" ... i am a real person for sure.

my husband and i, who haven't had but a couple hours together with no kids since hosea was born almost a year ago, set up a day of dates by arranging 3 different slots of times to get our kids watched with nursing breaks in between. it was like a day away that worked with our very real life of 5 kids 9 and under with one as a baby.

it was nearly magical.

this past year has been a really hard one. the night hosea was born (while i was actually in beginning labor and stopping to breath through contractions while making dinner), i got that horrible phone call no one wants to get. it was my daddy. he needed to tell me that he got some medical results that were not good news. i tried to relax through a contraction that left me breathless as he fumbled to utter the horrible diagnosis with tears mingling through his words. "it's cancer. it's back. it's not good. God is good and we will get through this."

all i could manage to say at first is, "okay... okay... okay..." i frantically tried to sort through my thoughts and ask the questions that were popping up all over. "how bad? what do we do from here? how is mom?" all the while trying to breathe through the contractions that continued to build. i didn't even think to tell him in the moment that i was in labor.

from there the rest of the evening and wee hours of the next morning are a bit of a blur. i did manage to call my mom back, and let her know that it was time to go to the hospital because the baby was coming soon, and that it was up to her if she could handle being there - i understood if it was too hard. she came; i know how hard it was for her, but she was there. the half hour drive to the hospital i read lamentations 3 on my iphone in between contractions starting at the first verses of:

i am the man who has seen affliction 
because of the rod of His wrath.  
He has driven me and made me walk 
in darkness and not in light. 

breathe. connect with the Holy Spirit. where is Jesus in all of this? i breathed, read, cried, and prayed as we drove to the hospital.

He has filled me with bitterness, 
He has made me drunk with wormwood.
He has broken my teeth with gravel; 
He has made me cower in the dust.  
my soul has been rejected from peace; 
i have forgotten happiness. 
so i say, "My strength has perished, 
And so has my hope from the LORD. 

i felt each word so deeply. in both physical and intense emotional pain, i could connect with each word penned so beautifully by the prophet jeremiah. i read, i cried, i breathed, and tried to relax - aching and searching for hope to hold onto while i faced both the immediate trial of birthing my 5th baby, and the impending trial of walking through this fearful diagnosis with my dad.

surely my soul remembers 
and is bowed down within me. 
this i recall to my mind, 
therefore i have hope.  
the LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, 
for His compassions never fail. 
"the LORD is my portion," says my soul, 
"therefore i have hope in Him."  
the LORD is good to those who wait for Him, 
to the person who seeks Him. 
it is good that he waits silently 
for the salvation of the LORD.  

silence. it is interesting that the birthing approach we use centers around silence and letting go to ride over the waves of pain. surrender. silence. waiting. so much was aligning in my life in just moments that all felt unending.

for the Lord will not reject forever, 
for if He causes grief, 
then He will have compassion 
according to His abundant lovingkindness.  
for He does not afflict willingly 
or grieve the sons of men. 

He does not afflict willingly or grieve the sons of men... wow. all that we suffer coming from the curse of death as fruit of the fall... and the picture of the Lord weeping with our weeping, not far from our suffering but oh so near... desiring to take away all the affliction and grief that all men walk through in this life. the Lord waiting for the day when He will take it away forever, wiping away every tear once and for all. 

my eyes pour down unceasingly, 
without stopping,
until the LORD looks down 
and sees from heaven.  

though jeremiah wrote of jerusalem's destruction, i could feel his words describing my own acute pain.  and then i found it - the words that became the anchor to get me through the next hours of labor. the anchor that gave me focus in the time i most needed focus but felt most distracted:

i called on Your name, o LORD, 
out of the lowest pit.
You have heard my voice, "do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief, 
from my cry for help."
You drew near when i called on You; 
You said, "do not fear!" 

and for the next 4 hours til i held my sweet baby in my arms, i said these words in a whisper over and over again: i called on Your name... out of the lowest pit... You have heard my voice... and You drew near when i called... You said do. not. fear!

i will never forget the first time my daddy held hosea (salvation comes from the Lord) justus (justice in greek - the wrong things will be made right).

the way he looked at my hour old baby and the way my baby looked back - no one can ever take those moments away from me. the grief. the uncertainty. the hope. so much intermingled.

sacred.  

the next several months were a roller coaster - conflicting doctor reports, one saying no cancer, another saying contained cancer, the original said cancer throughout the liver... wanting so badly to believe the report of no cancer, and yet my dad started losing weight through the summer and getting fatigued. at one point we were told there was cancer, but that he was an excellent candidate for a transplant. then came the painful news in november, at the end of a ton of tests and appointments prepping for a transplant, that there was too much. the original report on the day of my labor with hosea was indeed correct.

so many people asked me why we hadn't talked about what we were going through. for one it was a confusing time with a lot of conflicting medical reports, and lots of tests and waiting for results. also, my family is pretty private. my dad didn't want it all blasted on facebook, or the entire internet web, which i respect. he shared with those in active close relationship who would pray with us, and with the university he taught at; we were free to share with anyone we would like and i had an amazing core of women who were praying with me. to blog about it openly didn't feel respectful or right. my dad also didn't want to be labeled with the hopeless diagnosis when we had our hope in the Lord.

we did have hope. my dad had a God dream 9.5 years ago of a river of healing - he had confirmations that the word was from God along the way of almost 10 years of health struggles. in the same dream my dad saw the baby my sister is currently pregnant with - what a encouragement of hope! we were praying for a complete miracle of healing, and believed God to sustain my dad's life even in the midst of the medical field offering no hope or solutions. throughout the whole journey my dad constantly reminded us that God is both good and trustworthy. in the midst of my moments of doubt or fear, he did not waiver in his faith and steadfast quiet trust. i don't understand entirely why things turned out the way they did, but i know the Lord is so pleased with my dad's tried and true faith. i guess we wouldn't need to trust God completely if we always had perfect understanding or all the answers. so much falls into the area of trust.

so with all this going on over the past year of our lives, and having 5 wonderful kids filling our hearts, hands, and schedules, it was amazing to get time together. however this time was filled with thoughts of how my dad was doing in the back of my mind and in our conversation throughout our day. it had been an intense couple months, bringing us to the point where we needed to see God's one touch now. we started our anniversary morning with 45 minutes over at my parents' house, and i made my mom promise to message me on my phone if she needed me for anything, even though we were going to be on a day full of dates. she promised.

at the end of a great day, laughter mingled with tears, we were at my cousins' house picking up a couple of our kids to go home for the night. we had set up a group imessage with my mom and siblings a few months back to make communication with my mom and helping her easier. we had been chatting on it some through the evening sharing prayer and verses together. while getting the kids ready to go home, bill handed me my phone saying there was a strange message from my mom. right after a verse that had been shared she wrote, "come now if you can." it was a few minutes of wondering if she meant for all of us to literally come over at 9:48pm or if she was talking about healing coming... i felt the urgency somewhere inside, mostly likely the Holy Spirit, and told bill we just needed to go and left our kids with my cousin. my siblings and i wrote back and forth on our phones quickly making a plan for all of us to get over there, which involved waking and transporting sleeping kids, still with no info of what was going on or what my mom meant.

in all the crazy swirl of emotions, the very little actual information, and my literal freaking out in the car ride to get our younger kids from my brother's house so they could pack up to go to my parents' as well, i cried out for a miracle and for total healing for my dad. the next hour or so is just too raw and personal for me to write out here right now, but in God's mercy we were all in the room with my mom when my dad went to be with the Lord. all of us. the kids were downstairs with one of our best friends ever who had on a movie for them and was putting them back to sleep, my older two in transit over by my dear cousin who was there to support me however i most needed it.

my parents never obtained hospice. my dad never took even a pill of motrin for pain, refusing anything even on the last day. my mom had not once had someone stay the night with her even in the last couple hard weeks. we were praying and hoping and waiting for a miracle, and though i know a lot of people may not understand, this is how we walked through this as a family - our hope and trust only on Him. i do not say that using hospice or pain medication is a lack of trust or hope, i just mean to paint the picture of how life looked in the middle of it. it was very hard and my dad was very weak, but he fully believed and waited on the Lord to touch him. that saturday night, while i was out to dinner for my 11 year anniversary, on our group imessage we decided as a family that my dad's brother would stay the night with my mom in case she needed help. i am so thankful we made that decision and believe it is largely why we were all able to get there in time to be with my mom when my daddy went to be with Jesus. i am so thankful. so so thankful.

we not only prayed for healing up until the last moments, but we prayed for resurrection in the hour or so after his spirit departed. the right people were all there - i just can't express enough how much this meant: both my mom's brothers, my oldest cousin, all three of us kids and spouses, my dad's brother... all in the room, all together, all asking the Lord to do what only He could do. my aunt brought over my grandma, my cousin leah came with my boys, and my uncle's wife came as well... we sat and we cried. and we cried. we called my dad back, and when he didn't come back my mom started to sing.

great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not;
how Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

great is Thy faithfulness! great is Thy faithfulness!
morning by morning new mercies i see.
all i have needed Thy hand hath provided;
great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

in the midst of the greatest sorrow of her life, my mom led us in worship of the One in whom we had put all our hope and all our trust. she led us in the hymn written from lamentations 3.

and in the middle of it all, i heard the Lord, with that still, small, steady voice, whisper loudly in my mind "those who put their hope in the Lord will NEVER be put to shame."

as foolish as we may have looked, as my dad may have looked, putting all our hope in Him and making the decisions to wait for a miracle up until the last moments - believing and trusting in a Good God, there will be no shame. no shame. only a faith tested by fire proven to be true and real and unmoved - a faith like the 3 hebrews who would not bow, but trusted God to deliver them; and yet if He did not, their faith would remain the same.

even in the Holy Spirit's sweet comfort, i am left with so many questions. my most recent post, with almost 650 views in the past couple weeks, is the marriage advice of my parents. the dream from the Lord that got my dad through so many hard years, and the last very hard year, seems only partially fulfilled. my trustworthy Lord took my daddy to be with Him on my anniversary, and only a couple days before my mom's birthday and my sister's 10th anniversary (the day we ended up holding the memorial service to celebrate his life)... only a couple weeks before this miracle baby that he saw in his dream was due to be born.

i do not believe cancer is from the Lord. i do believe it is one of the fruits of the fall and the curse of death that isn't fully reversed until the day Jesus comes back. i do believe God heals and works miracles, neither of which we will need any more when He returns. i do not believe the devil took my dad out - the devil and God are not equals. if my daddy is with Jesus instead of with me, then it was because Jesus decided to take him now; i do not understand why now and not a lot later than now, but i know that nothing can pluck us from His hand. yet even with this, i have so many questions. i think i will probably still have them when i finally get to see my Lord face to face.

but i trust.

               and i believe.

                                    and i have hope.

because He is faithful even when it is hard to understand; there is so much so hard to understand.

and i have to ask, why on my anniversary? why the day i was in labor with my 5th baby, my grace baby whose name is salvation and justice? then why on my happy day of celebrating covenant?

i almost am afraid to write that out because inevitably well meaning people will try to give me their answers. i do not want your answers. in the midst of pain i need the Lord's encounter, not the reasoning of mere mortals, even well meaning mere mortals.

as the words of the poem i posted on facebook, the poem that we quoted in our vows (and were also in my parents' vows as well), the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life... rang truer this march 9th than anytime in all my life. i am so thankful for my husband and that i can love him with

the breath, smiles, tears...
                                          of all my life

my heart aches. i am greatly in need of the Comforter. there are a lot of tears right now, and i am still here waiting for the Lord to save us from this fallen state of this world and bring His perfect justice, maybe waiting for it more eagerly now than ever before. 

wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
at the sound of His roar, sorrows will be no more,
when He bares His teeth, winter meets its death,
and when He shakes His mane, we shall have spring again.
                                                          c.s. lewis

i know and hope in the true Aslan. and i can trust Him. with all my many questions and my hurting heart, i can trust Him - 
for if He causes grief, 
                           then He will have compassion 
according to His abundant lovingkindness. 
                                      for He does not afflict willingly 
                or grieve the sons of men.


i know this is a long post and it is painfully raw. i think it needed to be said now, since out of respect to my dad i didn't share along the way. thank you for your prayers for me and my family - my siblings, my kids, my nieces and nephews, my mom.

daddy, i love you more than any amount of broken, incomplete written language could ever begin to express. every day, even the hardest ones, were all a gift from God to me. i am waiting for our next date together, though a lot longer than i was hoping. thank you for showing me what it looks like to fully lean on my Beloved One and what real faith looks like. i will miss you every day of my life until we meet again, either in heaven or in the air on His return. i love you.

charis

the secret to longevity

i asked my parents a few months ago, who have been married 40 years - 40 years folks! - the secret to longevity in marriage. (closer to 41 at this point...)

i sat them each down separately and asked, "if you could say one thing that would help couples build a marriage that stands the test time, what would it be?"

it was so interesting for they both said almost the same thing without hearing the other's response.

my mom said, "perseverance - never. give. up."

my dad told me, "a marriage is built through the hard times - like winston churchill said, 'never, never, never give up.'"

so, if two people who have gone through 40 years of for better and for worse both point to the secret of staying married being perseverance, why are we so tempted to quit when things get tough?

i know i have written this before, but no one has a perfect marriage. everyone goes through hard times, and sometimes they are extremely hard times. yet, part of the beauty of marriage can only be experienced in the hard times. no one thinks that having to persevere is fun, but in learning perseverance we learn to lean on God. we experience His love on a deeper level in the leaning; in turn, we are able to walk out the self-denying love of Jesus in a more tangible way than we ever would if relationships were always easy.

timothy keller put it this way:

the reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. the gospel is—we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.

sometimes the hard times we persevere through are outside circumstances - job stresses, money strain, sickness, difficult extended family relationships, etc. other times the very thing that demands perseverance is the breakdown of our relationship with our spouse be it through impurity, unfaithfulness, or merely conflict and tension in communication. any one of these situations can cause serious need for perseverance on the side of both the husband and the wife.

in the midst of extreme or mild tension, we usually expect the other person to be amazingly patient and understanding with our issues and end up less patient and merciful with theirs. so many different circumstances can cause a divide in even the happiest looking marriages if the couple isn't proactive at choosing to walk together through the present challenges.

duke university ethics professor stanley hauerwas said an amazing statement on why people often do not persevere:

destructive to marriage is the self-fulfillment ethic that assumes marriage and the family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become "whole" and happy. the assumption is that there is someone just right for us to marry and that if we look closely enough we will find the right person. this moral assumption overlooks a crucial aspect to marriage. it fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person. we never know whom we marry; we just think we do. or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. for marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. the primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.

we need to learn to love the one we are married to - in all the different changes that person goes through. i have heard the reason for divorce so often said that, "well, i just realized i got married too young and we were never right for each other." listen, none of us are really "right" for anyone because we are all terribly flawed and changing all the time. when we get married we are signing up to love this other terribly flawed, ever changing person. it is a beautiful blessed mess we are entering into, for better or for worse... for as long as we both shall live.

so why is it so incredibly important to never give up if you are going to be successful at this beautiful painful thing called marriage? 

because Jesus never gives up on us in our most fallen and unlovable state. His undeserved and merciful love draws forth love out of the most broken person, and we have the opportunity and invitation to do the same towards our spouse.

Jesus said,

he who is forgiven much loves much.

undeserved love in the bad times can draw forth so much love in the better times. when we can forgive someone and just stick by them in their messy weak, maybe unlovable, state, then we have shown what true faithfulness looks like. the demonstration of faithfulness and forgiveness makes the other person want to love in return. how can you refuse someone who looks right into the worst of you and still says yes?

as my dad so realistically put it, a good marriage is built in the hard times. when even just one spouse is willing to continually say yes in the hardest seasons, it lays a foundation for the rest of the marriage that is solid. if both are willing... well that is so helpful!

we do not have the strength to do this on our own - we must have the grace of the Holy Spirit working in our lives to say yes when it gets really really hard. but He will always give the Holy Spirit to those who ask, so if you are in that really great building time called "hard," ask! 

one more timothy keller quote because i just can't say it any better myself:

...we must say to ourselves something like this: "well, when Jesus looked down from the cross, He didn't think 'I am giving myself to you because you are so attractive to me.' no, He was in agony, and He looked down at us - denying Him, abandoning Him, and betraying Him - and in the greatest act of love in history, He STAYED. He said, 'Father, forgive them, they don't know what they are doing.' He loved us, not because we were lovely to Him, but to make us lovely. that is why i am going to love my spouse." speak to your heart like that, and then fulfill the promises you made on your wedding day.

if i were looking at you from across my coffee table right now we would pause, take a sip of coffee, and breathe deep. because we both know... we know that this thing called marriage will take all we have to give and then more. we cannot do it without leaning on His strength. we cannot do it without the grace of His Holy Spirit. but eventually we would look each other in the eye after a long silence and nod. this is the life He has called us to - a demonstration of His love when it is undeserved because this is the same love He gives us every. single. day.

my friend, you can do this one day at a time.

never, never, never give up because He never, never, never gives up on you. on the other side of this thing you will look back and see how all the painful moments of saying yes built something beautiful and of great value lasting so much longer than you thought possible. and you will have entered into a deep knowing of His tender love towards you.

persevere. it really is worth it.

charis

20 ways to love your spouse on valentine's day

20 ways to love your spouse on v-day 

(or on any day)

1. make a homemade card
2. write a love song (whether you are a musician or not!)
3. have an email detailing your favorite things about him waiting in his inbox when he wakes
4. surprise her with her favorite breakfast and a hot cup of coffee
5. go back and look at wedding pictures together
6. do one of her daily chores without being asked or drawing attention to it
7. ask him what his v-day looks like... and make it about him (seems to be traditionally about her, right?)
8. share with each other the story of when and how you knew that you were in love
9. set a timer on your phone to pray for your spouse every 10 minutes the whole day.
10. buy a pack of 3 by 5 cards, write on each one a different reason you love him, and tie them together with string
11. speak lovingly about your spouse all day long
12. take a break from technology and just be together
13. exercise together
14. wear something you know he thinks you look good in
15. choose today to forgive
16. kiss at least 3 times today - waking, leaving the house, and going to bed
17. tell someone else your "story" together - even better, tell it to your kids
18. hold hands in the car
19. look today for how you can give, not how you can get... how you can serve, not how to be served.
20. pray together

what are ideas that you would add?

charis

6 tips for developing a life in God as a couple

photo by myriah grubbs

couples who pray together, stay together.

sounds so cliche right? seems like two people who both love the Lord would naturally love the Lord together. so, why is it just so hard sometimes?!

before i got married and met my husband i had this list of all the things i hoped to find in the man i was going to marry. one of the things was i wanted a man who prayed; i mean really truly had a prayer life with God.

fast forward a few years and i met just the right guy. he led worship. he had a heart for missions. he had a deep life of prayer with the Lord. he was funny. he was hopelessly in love with me. the only problem was our personal lives with God did not mesh into a "couple's" life with God.

i remember a few tense moments early on in our engagement and newlywed days when we tried to do this stuff together. one was a night when we tried to co-write a song for his brother's wedding. it seemed easy right? we were both musicians, were in love with each other, and had the assignment of writing a love song for a wedding.

it became a huge fight.

we both had different styles when it came to writing music. i remember sitting there on the floor of my bedroom feeling like he was a complete stranger, just because he didn't write songs the way i was used to writing. instead of drawing us together, the experience of sharing a passion and then not connecting in the middle of it drove us apart.

the same dynamic followed us into our time with the Lord. 

before getting married i had these visions, call me idealistic, of spending time pouring over the Bible with my husband. i envisioned prayer together where our hearts connected powerfully with God and with each other. i imagined ministering together (we did meet each other on a missions trip) and sharing this passion of living a life following Jesus and it just blending together so seamlessly.

well, it just didn't go so seamlessly.

we tried to pray together a few times and it was a complete train wreck. i felt he was too quiet. he felt i was pressuring him to relate to God the way i related to God. i felt like he didn't want to include me in his life with the Lord. i think he felt crowded and wished i would just do my time with the Lord by myself.

instead of drawing our hearts closer together, spending time with God together made us feel distant and misunderstood by each other. this was just not the way i had envisioned it going.

since then i have found out that our story is far from unique. just like there are so many different ways of doing life that a man and woman bring to their marriage, there are different ways of doing a personal life with the Lord that they bring as well.

people pray differently. this may not be news to you, but it took years of marriage for me to realize that it was okay that bill and i related to the Lord in our devotional times differently. i did not need to change him, nor did i need to fix my way of doing it to match his... we just needed to push past the awkwardness and the offense of feeling misunderstood or undervalued and still spend time with God together.

now you may be a lucky couple that has always hit it off when you spend time with the Lord together. if you are not, then i want to encourage you that you are not alone nor is your life in God as a couple hopeless.

our connection with each other in the midst of attempting to connecting with God together has greatly improved, but it has taken time! we have successfully co-written songs. we have shared revelations the Lord has given us without ending up in a fight. we even co-lead a prayer ministry now as a full-time occupation. many times God brings together two very different ways of relating to Him to be complementary, not competitive or divisive. i can honestly say i have learned so much about God from being married to this man for 11 years, and he has told me many times the very same thing.

my husband's slightly different perspective, simply because he stands viewing God from a slightly different vantage point, has opened up a wider experience of the Lord that i would have never known if i had stayed single and undisturbed.

marriage can be one of the most exciting dynamic ways of encountering the Lord if we are willing to press through the awkwardness, step over the offense, and be open to the Lord speaking to us and through us in ways that may be new. allowing another person to be a part of a very intimate and personal relationship with God can be intimidating, yet bring so much more growth and depth!

here are six tips for developing a life with God together as a couple:

1. make a point to pray together every day. it may be at the dinner table. it may be lying in bed before going to sleep. it may be a devotional time in the morning. no matter how it looks, how long or how short, make time to pray and talk to the Lord together regularly.

2. if it is awkward, do not quit! i can't tell you how much it would have helped us early on if we had a couple that we respected tell us how hard this part of married life could be. listen, i am here to tell you it can be awkward; it might feel lifeless, it may even cause fights. but it is so worth it to purposefully pray together, spend time in the Word and worship together, and talk about your lives in God together.

3. do not just assume that your spouse has a vibrant life in God - ask. ask him what God is speaking to him. ask how you can be praying for him. (you are praying for your spouse, right?) ask where he has been reading in the Bible lately. share what you feel the Lord speaking to you, both the encouraging stuff and the struggles. in the midst of going through life, stop and pray for your husband. if it seems your spouse is struggling or distant from the Lord - pray for him. i know too many women who were surprised and devastated to find out their husband hadn't been walking actively with the Lord for years, and they had hoped that he was spending time with God on his own when he wasn't. it had somehow become an unspoken topic in the home. do not make the mistake of assuming that someone else is checking in on him or encouraging him in his relationship with Jesus. we can be the greatest encouragement and support to our spouse in both the good times and the hard times of walking with the Lord.

4. pray for your spouse. i know this is mostly about developing a spiritual life together, but if you are not praying for your spouse, you are depriving him of his greatest intercessor besides Jesus Himself. if you feel angry or hurt about something your spouse has done, it is the absolute best time to pray for him. is it strange that i have had to pray for my husband after a failed prayer time together where i felt misunderstood? failed prayer together sent me to pray for him and for us to grow in praying together. who do you desire your husband to be in the Lord? do you believe the Holy Spirit can really transform his heart to become that radical follower of Jesus? prayer is powerful. not only is it drawing a bull's eye on your spouse for the Lord's encounter, but it softens your heart towards him.

5. develop your own personal life in the Lord. we are to come together as married couples to strengthen and sharpen one another in the Lord, but we need time one on one with God in the secret place too. though one on one time with the Lord should not substitute for the life in God in the community aspect of marriage, time with the Lord as a married couple should not substitute for the one of one relationship with Jesus either. we need both. so. very. badly.

6. do not quit coming together to seek the Lord. the author of hebrews encouraged the early church to not stop meeting together to worship and pray, and i encourage you to not stop meeting together with your husband and the Lord. i have already said it so many times, it usually is awkward before it is really good (just like other areas of marriage), but it can get really really good. 

Jesus said that when two or more are gather in His name, He is there... coming together in prayer, worship, and studying the Word is so powerful. it is part of what makes marriage so sweet - sharing the deepest places of your heart that come alive in the presence of God with each other.

any stories you want to share about this area of marriage? how have you navigated, successfully or unsuccessfully, this area of relationship? do you have questions about where you and your spouse are right now in your relationship with God as a couple?

charis

love keeps no record of wrongs

forgiveness.

you knew that i couldn't write a series on marriage and not addess this "f" word.

love keeps no record of wrongs, right?

but in reality, we know, we remember, we feel all over again

every. single. painful. moment.

i remember so clearly a moment in our own pre-marriage counseling when our counselor advised us to write some "fighting" rules together.  she strongly cautioned us, "when in a fight, be careful of the words you say in the moment and never call names.  though you can apologize for the words that were said, you can never fully take them back... they just float around out there in the sound waves and our memories replay them over and over again."

i know this may come as a shocker to those of you not yet married, but in the full swings of puppy love and the perpetual highs of finding the right "one" but not yet in the covenant, that you will have to forgive your spouse.

you. will. have. to. forgive. your. spouse.

period.

that means, i know there may be some of you who still may be shaking your heads in disbelief, that your spouse will do something wrong enough to be in need of forgiveness.

forgiveness for what was said... and for what wasn't said.  for what was done... and for what wasn't done.  and sometimes, it will be a really big thing that is in need of forgiveness.

no one has a perfect marriage.

no one.

i know that we all have perceptions of other people's relationships, of their lives really.  but when we assume that someone has that marriage that is just all fireworks and connection all of the time, we are playing that grass is greener on the other side of the fence game.

and i heard a great quote that i cannot forget -

the grass is greener where you water it.

image by myriah grubbs

water your grass with the water of forgiveness.

no one has a perfect marriage, but it is very possible to have a very good one.

whenever i am at a bridal shower and they pass around those little cute cards that you are supposed to write a few words of advice on to encourage the bride to be i always write the same thing -

forgive. 
love keeps no record of wrongs.
1 corinthians 13

it really is the number 1 piece of marriage advice i can give.  it is the one reason i still like my husband today - i choose every day to forgive and to remind myself to stop keeping a record of wrongs.  sometimes it may be a daily choice, other times a moment by moment choice. 

 when my mind wants to replay and relive the painful words or actions in the past, i must choose to forgive.

i have heard so many objections to this single topic - sheesh, i have come up with many objections in my own soul how i should hold onto offense over things done to me - but if we are followers of Jesus this is one thing that isn't negotiable in any relationship we find ourselves in, let alone marriage.

if you find this speaking straight to where you are at and your eyes are open to some unforgiveness or hurt feelings lurking in the shadows of your heart, let me encourage you to start right now in giving the hurt to God and extending mercy towards your spouse (or any other person who has wronged you). "i forgive you" aren't magic words that make the pain of it all just immediately vanish. forgiveness is a choice we have to walk out after we speak it out.

i heard this great illustration a while back from bob jones that i will never forget:

forgiveness is like a yo-yo. keep throwing it out there until the string breaks and it stops coming back. 

you see, we don't forgive the big things just one time. if you have pain or anxiety when you think of someone, it means there is still a deeper level of forgiveness that still needs to happen. extend mercy once again, like throwing out the yo-yo, until the memory or thought of the person doesn't cause pain in your heart any more. the pain can stop coming back. but it takes determination to forgive time and time and time again, and choose to let go of the right to demand things are made right.

sometimes things are made right. sometimes people show true remorse for their offense. sometimes they won't. we still forgive, simply because He forgave us.

at the end of the day we have to remember, if He forgave us all of our sin then why in the world would we choose to not forgive the sins done against us?  (He even mentioned that if we refuse to forgive, the Father will withhold forgiveness from us as well.  pretty sober thought, huh?)

now walking it out is hard at times, isn't it?  oh, but it is so worth it because "he who is forgiven much, loves much." (luke 7:47) our true forgiveness can draw forth love out of our spouse. forgiveness has the potential to not just mend the relationship, but cause it to flourish!

we have been forgiven so much at the cross.  let us love others the way He loves us - and let's start by forgiving our spouse. water your grass so it flourishes a deep shade of green.

thoughts?

charis

the voice

we are continuing today our series on marriage. if you haven't read the past two weeks, i encourage you to start here at the beginning. this series has been in my heart to write for a couple years, so if it blesses and encourages you, even challenges you as it challenges me, please feel free to share it. now, let's sit down at my coffee table for a cup of coffee and have a real talk about marriage.

it's always in the middle of a heated exchange that the voice comes to me.  you know the one:   

don't give in and admit fault.  don't choose to be the one who backs down.  you know what will happen - he will take advantage of you and think he can always win.

and as silly as it sounds writing it all down and admitting to hearing voices that urge me to not lay down my rights, the tension in the moment is so thick it is almost suffocating.

it is like the devil and angel depicted on the shoulders of cartoon characters.  the Holy Spirit and the voice, call it a demon or my flesh (it doesn't matter which), battle for my response.

my father-in-law once told my husband when he was a teenager struggling with some sin issues that he better hope it was a demon bothering him.  he said, "son, if it is a demon, it is easy - we just cast it out.  now if it is your flesh... you will battle that thing the rest of your life."

i have a feeling this voice is more my flesh resisting walking out real love than a demon simply bothering me that has to leave when i tell it to in Jesus' name.

it feels so much like if i admit i am wrong, or even have any ounce of fault in a fight, it will be brought back as ammo against me in a future disagreement. it makes so much sense to my mind that if i don't defend myself and make sure he understands why i am in the right, he will somehow think he had no blame in the fight.  

 ...and then i will be walked all over.

yet, i cannot get away from what paul called love:

love is patient.
love is kind
and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own,
is not provoked, 
does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness,
but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
love never fails...
1 cor. 13 nasb

the new king james version says it this way:

love suffers long and is kind...

the new living version says this:

...it does not demand its own way. it is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged... love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

wow.

so, let's do a reality check for a second - 

• i do not like to suffer for a short time, so definitely not suffering loooonnnggg much here...  and to be kind at the same time as the suffering.  ouch.

• my son told me today that i could work on my impatience - no check mark on the patient part for me.

• i often demand my way.  this can be verified by my whole family.

• i get irritable without enough coffee, enough chocolate, enough food, water, sleep, health... okay, so i get irritated pretty easily it seems.

• i hate to admit it, but in a fight i can often remember instantly when i have been wronged in the same way before (anyone with me on this?). 

• i can be provoked.  it doesn't take long to learn my buttons.  and you push them, i push back.

i am no where near this thing called love.

the good news about this depressing news about myself is it isn't new news to Jesus!  He knows i struggle in every single one of these areas... that is why following Him is defined as laying down my life and embracing my cross - being mistreated.

yes, mistreated even in my marriage by the one i have allowed closest to me.

and he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.  he who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.  matthew 10:38-39

now for a long time i thought this meant literally dying for Jesus... but the thought that laying down my rights was the same as losing my life for His sake - so that He might be glorified in me - now that was life-changing to this little gal living in california.

then Jesus said to His disciples, "if anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.   for whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.  for what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?  matthew 16:25-26

what will it profit me if i win the argument, but lose my soul in the process?

and He summoned the crowd with His disciples, and said to them, "if anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.  mark 8:34

deny myself?  surely this is a mistranslation. 

and He was saying to them all, "if anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.  luke 9:23

daily?  you mean, this isn't just about being martyred in some eastern country?  this is about me and my daily home life where i get mistreated every. single. day?

remember, i am not all those great things that are listed in the love chapter.  neither are you.

but He is.

He is every single one of these things towards me, and that is why i can turn my heart towards my husband when i most want to build up a wall to protect myself - Jesus knows the very worst of me that i can hide cunningly from everyone else, and He still loves me in this radical way.

He really did bear His cross on my behalf when i mistreated Him - and it wasn't just about the literal gruesome death on the cross, but the stigma He would bear in my mind of being weak and not defending Himself when He had the chance.

He loved me fully and that is why i choose to not listen to the Voice in an argument... well, at least purpose my heart to tell it no, and choose to lay down my rights daily

in this messy thing called marriage.

Jesus wasn't concerned with how we might mistreat Him again when He chose to love us (and He alone knows how often i have mistreated and even despised Him in my heart) - so why should we hold this as a reason to not really love our spouses? 

charis

i do every day

so often it is the simple way of serving that nourishes the heart on the deeper levels.

i watch him stand on the chair, fixing the slight curtain rod above the crib, only $10 at target, that the littles thought would be a good pull up bar.  i have been staring at the bent rod for several weeks, hoping at some point to get around to fixing it.

after a long day, i asked if he could take a look and he easily fixes it - easily deals with what has been bugging my mind for weeks.  working on these details of broken things in the house overwhelm me and make me feel small and ignorant.  his willingness to easily fix what would have taken me built up determination and drive draws forth love in a way that a dozen roses may have not stirred.

and my heart takes a deep exhale as one more thing is checked of the never-ending list of things to do that i know i will never catch up on. 

so often people enter marriage with a grandiose idea of what they can gain instead of what they can give away.

we vow for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad - though the newer trend of writing one's own vows may slight our perspective that there WILL be bad times in a long-lasting marriage - and yet somehow we think of these as big abstract promises instead of the little nitty gritty daily life details.

i will love you when you spent the last of the money for the month and didn't give me the receipts so we now have overdraft fees (and i won't even try to make you feel incredibly small over it).

i will love you when you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and spoke snappy at me and didn't even appreciate the coffee or scrambled eggs i made you (and i won't go off on you pointing out all that i do for you that you never notice).

i will love you when you are too sick to get out of bed and it means i have more work to do with taking care of kids, work, home life, and don't get the break and fellowship that i was looking forward to after a long day (and i will keep the kids quiet so you can sleep, get you a glass of water, pray for you to feel better, and am truly sympathetic instead of mulling in self-pity at my extra work load).

i will love you when every conversation we have ends in misunderstanding and it seems like i married a stranger instead of my best friend (and i won't try to escape and go slam the door in frustration and anger, but stay in the awkward moments of misunderstanding praying for courage to choose the low road instead of defending myself).

i will love you when it looks like simple service (and keep my mouth from complaining but serve with a happy heart as unto the Lord).

we make long-winded romantic sounding promises in the heat of our passion. when the passion fades and we are called to walk out those binding commitments, do we have the courage to say "i do" every day, sometimes every moment, and lay down our wants and desires to love with the unselfish love that we once thought would just easily come spilling out?

these small ways - which really are the big ways - of laying down our lives are what makes our spouse fall in love with us all over again. 

these little ways of denying ourselves - the fixing of a curtain rod - are what long-lasting marriages are made of.

marriage is not about what we can get, but what we can give. it isn't about how much love we keep, but how much we pour out.

greater love has no man than this: that he lay down his life for his friend.

He even laid it down for His enemy.

the invitation stands: do we want to learn to love like Him?

can we learn to say "i do" when we are no longer standing at the altar, but in the thick of real life?

what if it isn't two-sided? what if you are the only one attempting to lay down your life for your spouse and he/she isn't doing a thing (that you can see)? does the Lord's invitation to loving as He loves remain, or is it only for when love is returned?

charis 

joy in the journey - a new series on marriage

i have had it in my heart for some time now to write a series of posts on marriage.  i even considered joining in on the 31 day challenge that so many bloggers did this past october and focusing on 31 days of marriage.  with 5 kids and a crazy schedule in my "real" life, i realized this just wasn't possible.  it is possible, however, for me to write a shorter series on marriage.

so, to kick off this new series let me start with stating clearly that i believe that God always intends marriage to be for our benefit and for our good.  while the circumstances may or may not live up to our ideals of marriage, we can discover depths of joy beyond our expectations.  i am going to dive into different ways i believe you build the marriage that we all desire when we first say "i do."

i don't believe anyone enters marriage planning on either a miserable cohabitation or eventual divorce.  i do believe few couples are fully prepared for the hard work and heart refining nature of marriage.  i believe there are unrealistic expectations for the sacred union, and ideals placed on marriage that mirror more the world around us than the God of the bible.

in this series i hope to:

• encourage those who are in a marriage covenant to invest in and strengthen their marriage.

• give hope and clarity of vision to those who have a marriage that is struggling and give a few sound biblical tools to work towards a healthy happy marriage.

• give a realistic, biblical expectation of marriage to those who are dating and not yet married, or who have yet to think about if they want to get married someday.

• shed some clarity to everyone (married, single, or no longer married) on what marriage was supposed to show us about God's love towards us and His nature.

i hope you stick around for the ride and join in with your thoughts and questions in the comments below.  let's imagine we are sitting in my living room together over a cup of coffee or tea and encourage each other about the mystery of God called marriage.

while you are waiting for us to get started, how about you give one of my most popular posts from a couple years ago a read?

you do not have to get divorced - divorce is sometimes a taboo subject, even among fellow believers who have common struggles in marriage.  this post is for anyone in the middle of real struggle in marriage or wondering what God feels about marriage and commitment in the hard times.  it may be a different perspective than you have considered before.

posts in the series:

i do everyday our vows aren't made just at the altar in the heat of the moment. they are made again and again every single day.

the voice  you know the one you hear in the middle of an argument? oh, you know the one...

love keeps no record of wrongs  my number one piece of advice to any soon to be married couple - get ready to forgive.

6 tips for developing a life in God as a couple  the awkwardness of our own journey of learning how to seek the Lord together as a couple.

20 ways to love your spouse on valentines day or any other day

the secret to longevity want to know my parents' marriage advice after being married 40, almost 41 years? come and find out.

if you ever had a doubt about what God feels about marriage... or what He feels about you this one is definitely a must read for everyone - not only those who are married. it is about what marriage is supposed to show us about God.

my marriage advice does it matter what we are focused on about our spouse?

charis