when you feel painfully alone

there are painful times in life when it seems that all we can do is grasp for some sort of encouragement to get us through the present moment. these times can either be full of a flood of excess emotion or the opposite absence of emotion. both are a sign of a heart in intense pain. it can be hard to tell which way is up, and time is blurry and abstract. it can be hard to have vision for the current day, let alone the grand scheme of life.

if you aren't in a time of life like this right now, chances are you have been or will be in not too terribly long. as believers, how are we to navigate through these dark nights of the soul when all our hearts want to do is shut down?

come and visit me at 5 minutes for faith to read more. i would love your feedback on how you have walked through one of these seasons.

thanks friends!
charis

a confession

want to know a little confession? i personally avoid reading one of the all-time favorite books of the bible.

romans.

i have this inside rebel who doesn't want the commentary in my head of every sermon i have ever heard, coming at the same verse from various differing, often opposing angles, to crowd out the simple understanding of what is written. so i just avoid reading those books of the bible that are widely preached on.

i know. silly. 

well, i just finished up a 5 month study of the gospels and i felt the Holy Spirit urging me, romans. i tried to ignore it. at the same time i felt this fascination and deeper appreciate of the grace by which we are saved. i have been very aware that there is deep brokenness in me that can never earn my way into salvation, no matter how hard i might try. i had to face the facts - i needed a fresh reading of romans and to ask the Holy Spirit to speak to me through it louder than all the other voices in my head.

so here i am, reading romans and going against my inner rebel.

can i tell you that it is encouraging me so much? how could reading about abraham's faith not be encouraging? for "in hope against hope he believed..." and he was "fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform."

now i don't know what that does to your soul, but it bring mine to life! i have read the accounts of abraham in genesis, and this guy seemed to doubt the promises of God. this man cowered to the fear of death, giving his own wife to another man in some effort to save his life. he tried to make God's promise happen through the only way it made sense to him. he lied. he compromised. he made a big mess that caused conflict in the relationships around him.

and yet, God saw that glimmer of faith inside of him, He saw the desire to believe and obey - that only could be there if God Himself put it there - and He said, well done my son.

though we desire to obey God and really walk the way Jesus walked, not loving our lives unto death, we will mess up. we will lie. we will compromise. we will make big messes. but God sees down into our deepest parts to the desire He put in us to believe against all hope that He would be faithful and see us through this mess. He sees this desire deep inside to believe that God is good and is who He says He is, even when it is dark and cloudy and it is hard to make sense of how He will fulfill His word to us. God sees and He credits our faith - our trust - in Him as righteousness.

...and He is pleased with us.
 
as much as i desire to walk in holiness and devotion to Jesus, may i never put my hope in something i am able to give Him. may i only put my hope in the One who gave everything for me. may i come out on the other side of this mess leaning on my Beloved One.

it is because of my mess ups and failures that i believe. it is because all the sums of my worst days doesn't disqualify me for His kingdom, and He is able to take this broken imperfect person and make me into someone He wants to spend forever with. it is because He alone is faithful, even when i try to be faithful and fail again and again, i believe.

how about you? are there books of the bible you often avoid (or am i the only rebel in the bunch!)? 

are you aware lately of your own struggle and weakness to follow Jesus rightly?

charis

the blog post i didn't want to write

you may have noticed it has been pretty quiet around here the past couple weeks.

this is a post i really do not want to write, but if i don't write it i fear i will avoid blogging in general. it is super long, so we will see if anyone actually makes it through the whole thing. i am writing it more for me really - and a little bit for you to have perspective as my readers of where i am coming from in everything i have written over the past year and will write in the future.

saturday, march 9th was my 11 year anniversary with this wonderful guy.

 

see how happy we are? no we don't have a perfect marriage (if you didn't know, they don't exist), but as i have pointed to so many times in my marriage series joy in the journey, we have a darn good one.

saturday morning i posted this as my facebook status:

ok, so i used the wrong "to" ... i am a real person for sure.

my husband and i, who haven't had but a couple hours together with no kids since hosea was born almost a year ago, set up a day of dates by arranging 3 different slots of times to get our kids watched with nursing breaks in between. it was like a day away that worked with our very real life of 5 kids 9 and under with one as a baby.

it was nearly magical.

this past year has been a really hard one. the night hosea was born (while i was actually in beginning labor and stopping to breath through contractions while making dinner), i got that horrible phone call no one wants to get. it was my daddy. he needed to tell me that he got some medical results that were not good news. i tried to relax through a contraction that left me breathless as he fumbled to utter the horrible diagnosis with tears mingling through his words. "it's cancer. it's back. it's not good. God is good and we will get through this."

all i could manage to say at first is, "okay... okay... okay..." i frantically tried to sort through my thoughts and ask the questions that were popping up all over. "how bad? what do we do from here? how is mom?" all the while trying to breathe through the contractions that continued to build. i didn't even think to tell him in the moment that i was in labor.

from there the rest of the evening and wee hours of the next morning are a bit of a blur. i did manage to call my mom back, and let her know that it was time to go to the hospital because the baby was coming soon, and that it was up to her if she could handle being there - i understood if it was too hard. she came; i know how hard it was for her, but she was there. the half hour drive to the hospital i read lamentations 3 on my iphone in between contractions starting at the first verses of:

i am the man who has seen affliction 
because of the rod of His wrath.  
He has driven me and made me walk 
in darkness and not in light. 

breathe. connect with the Holy Spirit. where is Jesus in all of this? i breathed, read, cried, and prayed as we drove to the hospital.

He has filled me with bitterness, 
He has made me drunk with wormwood.
He has broken my teeth with gravel; 
He has made me cower in the dust.  
my soul has been rejected from peace; 
i have forgotten happiness. 
so i say, "My strength has perished, 
And so has my hope from the LORD. 

i felt each word so deeply. in both physical and intense emotional pain, i could connect with each word penned so beautifully by the prophet jeremiah. i read, i cried, i breathed, and tried to relax - aching and searching for hope to hold onto while i faced both the immediate trial of birthing my 5th baby, and the impending trial of walking through this fearful diagnosis with my dad.

surely my soul remembers 
and is bowed down within me. 
this i recall to my mind, 
therefore i have hope.  
the LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, 
for His compassions never fail. 
"the LORD is my portion," says my soul, 
"therefore i have hope in Him."  
the LORD is good to those who wait for Him, 
to the person who seeks Him. 
it is good that he waits silently 
for the salvation of the LORD.  

silence. it is interesting that the birthing approach we use centers around silence and letting go to ride over the waves of pain. surrender. silence. waiting. so much was aligning in my life in just moments that all felt unending.

for the Lord will not reject forever, 
for if He causes grief, 
then He will have compassion 
according to His abundant lovingkindness.  
for He does not afflict willingly 
or grieve the sons of men. 

He does not afflict willingly or grieve the sons of men... wow. all that we suffer coming from the curse of death as fruit of the fall... and the picture of the Lord weeping with our weeping, not far from our suffering but oh so near... desiring to take away all the affliction and grief that all men walk through in this life. the Lord waiting for the day when He will take it away forever, wiping away every tear once and for all. 

my eyes pour down unceasingly, 
without stopping,
until the LORD looks down 
and sees from heaven.  

though jeremiah wrote of jerusalem's destruction, i could feel his words describing my own acute pain.  and then i found it - the words that became the anchor to get me through the next hours of labor. the anchor that gave me focus in the time i most needed focus but felt most distracted:

i called on Your name, o LORD, 
out of the lowest pit.
You have heard my voice, "do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief, 
from my cry for help."
You drew near when i called on You; 
You said, "do not fear!" 

and for the next 4 hours til i held my sweet baby in my arms, i said these words in a whisper over and over again: i called on Your name... out of the lowest pit... You have heard my voice... and You drew near when i called... You said do. not. fear!

i will never forget the first time my daddy held hosea (salvation comes from the Lord) justus (justice in greek - the wrong things will be made right).

the way he looked at my hour old baby and the way my baby looked back - no one can ever take those moments away from me. the grief. the uncertainty. the hope. so much intermingled.

sacred.  

the next several months were a roller coaster - conflicting doctor reports, one saying no cancer, another saying contained cancer, the original said cancer throughout the liver... wanting so badly to believe the report of no cancer, and yet my dad started losing weight through the summer and getting fatigued. at one point we were told there was cancer, but that he was an excellent candidate for a transplant. then came the painful news in november, at the end of a ton of tests and appointments prepping for a transplant, that there was too much. the original report on the day of my labor with hosea was indeed correct.

so many people asked me why we hadn't talked about what we were going through. for one it was a confusing time with a lot of conflicting medical reports, and lots of tests and waiting for results. also, my family is pretty private. my dad didn't want it all blasted on facebook, or the entire internet web, which i respect. he shared with those in active close relationship who would pray with us, and with the university he taught at; we were free to share with anyone we would like and i had an amazing core of women who were praying with me. to blog about it openly didn't feel respectful or right. my dad also didn't want to be labeled with the hopeless diagnosis when we had our hope in the Lord.

we did have hope. my dad had a God dream 9.5 years ago of a river of healing - he had confirmations that the word was from God along the way of almost 10 years of health struggles. in the same dream my dad saw the baby my sister is currently pregnant with - what a encouragement of hope! we were praying for a complete miracle of healing, and believed God to sustain my dad's life even in the midst of the medical field offering no hope or solutions. throughout the whole journey my dad constantly reminded us that God is both good and trustworthy. in the midst of my moments of doubt or fear, he did not waiver in his faith and steadfast quiet trust. i don't understand entirely why things turned out the way they did, but i know the Lord is so pleased with my dad's tried and true faith. i guess we wouldn't need to trust God completely if we always had perfect understanding or all the answers. so much falls into the area of trust.

so with all this going on over the past year of our lives, and having 5 wonderful kids filling our hearts, hands, and schedules, it was amazing to get time together. however this time was filled with thoughts of how my dad was doing in the back of my mind and in our conversation throughout our day. it had been an intense couple months, bringing us to the point where we needed to see God's one touch now. we started our anniversary morning with 45 minutes over at my parents' house, and i made my mom promise to message me on my phone if she needed me for anything, even though we were going to be on a day full of dates. she promised.

at the end of a great day, laughter mingled with tears, we were at my cousins' house picking up a couple of our kids to go home for the night. we had set up a group imessage with my mom and siblings a few months back to make communication with my mom and helping her easier. we had been chatting on it some through the evening sharing prayer and verses together. while getting the kids ready to go home, bill handed me my phone saying there was a strange message from my mom. right after a verse that had been shared she wrote, "come now if you can." it was a few minutes of wondering if she meant for all of us to literally come over at 9:48pm or if she was talking about healing coming... i felt the urgency somewhere inside, mostly likely the Holy Spirit, and told bill we just needed to go and left our kids with my cousin. my siblings and i wrote back and forth on our phones quickly making a plan for all of us to get over there, which involved waking and transporting sleeping kids, still with no info of what was going on or what my mom meant.

in all the crazy swirl of emotions, the very little actual information, and my literal freaking out in the car ride to get our younger kids from my brother's house so they could pack up to go to my parents' as well, i cried out for a miracle and for total healing for my dad. the next hour or so is just too raw and personal for me to write out here right now, but in God's mercy we were all in the room with my mom when my dad went to be with the Lord. all of us. the kids were downstairs with one of our best friends ever who had on a movie for them and was putting them back to sleep, my older two in transit over by my dear cousin who was there to support me however i most needed it.

my parents never obtained hospice. my dad never took even a pill of motrin for pain, refusing anything even on the last day. my mom had not once had someone stay the night with her even in the last couple hard weeks. we were praying and hoping and waiting for a miracle, and though i know a lot of people may not understand, this is how we walked through this as a family - our hope and trust only on Him. i do not say that using hospice or pain medication is a lack of trust or hope, i just mean to paint the picture of how life looked in the middle of it. it was very hard and my dad was very weak, but he fully believed and waited on the Lord to touch him. that saturday night, while i was out to dinner for my 11 year anniversary, on our group imessage we decided as a family that my dad's brother would stay the night with my mom in case she needed help. i am so thankful we made that decision and believe it is largely why we were all able to get there in time to be with my mom when my daddy went to be with Jesus. i am so thankful. so so thankful.

we not only prayed for healing up until the last moments, but we prayed for resurrection in the hour or so after his spirit departed. the right people were all there - i just can't express enough how much this meant: both my mom's brothers, my oldest cousin, all three of us kids and spouses, my dad's brother... all in the room, all together, all asking the Lord to do what only He could do. my aunt brought over my grandma, my cousin leah came with my boys, and my uncle's wife came as well... we sat and we cried. and we cried. we called my dad back, and when he didn't come back my mom started to sing.

great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not;
how Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

great is Thy faithfulness! great is Thy faithfulness!
morning by morning new mercies i see.
all i have needed Thy hand hath provided;
great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

in the midst of the greatest sorrow of her life, my mom led us in worship of the One in whom we had put all our hope and all our trust. she led us in the hymn written from lamentations 3.

and in the middle of it all, i heard the Lord, with that still, small, steady voice, whisper loudly in my mind "those who put their hope in the Lord will NEVER be put to shame."

as foolish as we may have looked, as my dad may have looked, putting all our hope in Him and making the decisions to wait for a miracle up until the last moments - believing and trusting in a Good God, there will be no shame. no shame. only a faith tested by fire proven to be true and real and unmoved - a faith like the 3 hebrews who would not bow, but trusted God to deliver them; and yet if He did not, their faith would remain the same.

even in the Holy Spirit's sweet comfort, i am left with so many questions. my most recent post, with almost 650 views in the past couple weeks, is the marriage advice of my parents. the dream from the Lord that got my dad through so many hard years, and the last very hard year, seems only partially fulfilled. my trustworthy Lord took my daddy to be with Him on my anniversary, and only a couple days before my mom's birthday and my sister's 10th anniversary (the day we ended up holding the memorial service to celebrate his life)... only a couple weeks before this miracle baby that he saw in his dream was due to be born.

i do not believe cancer is from the Lord. i do believe it is one of the fruits of the fall and the curse of death that isn't fully reversed until the day Jesus comes back. i do believe God heals and works miracles, neither of which we will need any more when He returns. i do not believe the devil took my dad out - the devil and God are not equals. if my daddy is with Jesus instead of with me, then it was because Jesus decided to take him now; i do not understand why now and not a lot later than now, but i know that nothing can pluck us from His hand. yet even with this, i have so many questions. i think i will probably still have them when i finally get to see my Lord face to face.

but i trust.

               and i believe.

                                    and i have hope.

because He is faithful even when it is hard to understand; there is so much so hard to understand.

and i have to ask, why on my anniversary? why the day i was in labor with my 5th baby, my grace baby whose name is salvation and justice? then why on my happy day of celebrating covenant?

i almost am afraid to write that out because inevitably well meaning people will try to give me their answers. i do not want your answers. in the midst of pain i need the Lord's encounter, not the reasoning of mere mortals, even well meaning mere mortals.

as the words of the poem i posted on facebook, the poem that we quoted in our vows (and were also in my parents' vows as well), the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life... rang truer this march 9th than anytime in all my life. i am so thankful for my husband and that i can love him with

the breath, smiles, tears...
                                          of all my life

my heart aches. i am greatly in need of the Comforter. there are a lot of tears right now, and i am still here waiting for the Lord to save us from this fallen state of this world and bring His perfect justice, maybe waiting for it more eagerly now than ever before. 

wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
at the sound of His roar, sorrows will be no more,
when He bares His teeth, winter meets its death,
and when He shakes His mane, we shall have spring again.
                                                          c.s. lewis

i know and hope in the true Aslan. and i can trust Him. with all my many questions and my hurting heart, i can trust Him - 
for if He causes grief, 
                           then He will have compassion 
according to His abundant lovingkindness. 
                                      for He does not afflict willingly 
                or grieve the sons of men.


i know this is a long post and it is painfully raw. i think it needed to be said now, since out of respect to my dad i didn't share along the way. thank you for your prayers for me and my family - my siblings, my kids, my nieces and nephews, my mom.

daddy, i love you more than any amount of broken, incomplete written language could ever begin to express. every day, even the hardest ones, were all a gift from God to me. i am waiting for our next date together, though a lot longer than i was hoping. thank you for showing me what it looks like to fully lean on my Beloved One and what real faith looks like. i will miss you every day of my life until we meet again, either in heaven or in the air on His return. i love you.

charis

think of it as an opportunity

word for the day:  opportunity

start.

what a friend we have in Jesus
all our sins and griefs to bear
what a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer

o what peace we often forfeit
o what needless pain we bear
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer

crisis is opportunity.  it is opportunity to meet the Lord.

i have been asking the Lord to make Himself really real to me for the past year.  my heart has felt hard and cold, not because i do not want to feel His tenderness and love.  i have cried out and asked that He would please let me feel His nearness and that He would fill all my lacking places with faith and trust that makes up for all the lack.

i do not want to forfeit the peace that He offers.

i do not want to bear pain needlessly.

and so the question remains before me:  will i come to Him and bring it all to Him in prayer?

i have purposed that i must do this.  i must experience Him this year like never before.

so i set a timer on my phone, to go off every 10 minutes, that no matter where i am or what i am doing i would turn my attention to Him and give Him the worship He is due.

to remind me to give Him the thanks He is due.

to remind me to come to Him in prayer - about everything.

be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  and the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.  philippians 4:6-8

stop. 

if you want to join in, the instructions are below.



5 minute friday rules:
1. write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. link back here and invite others to join in.
3. please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them.

if you write a 5 minute friday, let me know -  i would love to visit your blog and read what comes spilling out when writing against the clock!  


charis

is He enough?

so much has gone not the way i would have liked in the past 24 hours.

in the midst of my distraction by more important things, i have managed to set one kitchen towel on fire - not noticing it until there were real flames. i burnt a pot of chickpeas.  my favorite stone pan broke in two. (and we haven't left talking about the kitchen yet!)  my house, the one thing that is seemingly in my control, is completely a disaster and out of control.

isn't that they way it is for us as broken humans - when so much is out of our control, we grasp to hold tightly to the few things we thing we think we control. 

isn't that all a control spirit really is... a person who is afraid?  when feeling small and staring into the big unknown, so often we become "control freaks" over the things that don't even really matter.

i get so upset by the dirt on the floor, but really is the dirt all that important since we are but made of dust?

i have to finally ask myself the question: is it going to be about the wasted food, small kitchen fire, and crumbs on the floor or at the end of the day is He enough?

am i going to insist on the appearance of having it together and having all the answers or am i going to fall back in trust into His arms and believe He is there to catch me?

is He alone really enough?

i have a testimony about Jesus,
He carries me through my worst storms -
i only call on Jesus,
i'm leaning on His everlasting arms.
                                     jon thurlow

charis

how to walk through the unknown

may God, the source of hope, fill you completely with joy and peace as you continue trusting, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may overflow with hope.  romans 15:13

day by day, step by step, yes by yes - we go on in trusting God.  we walk the path that is directly before us.  even if the way seems dark all around us and there is so much uncertainty and so much unknown... fear is not our friend.  trusting in Him, over and over again, is the only way.

my faith feels weak so many times.  my trust seems shaky so often.  but i resolve myself to turn my eyes towards Jesus and let Him fill me with joy overflowing... peace that overcomes... hope that is unshakeable. 

just because people choose to speak out the things that they are thankful for doesn't mean they have it all together, or even think that they do.  it may simply mean they are choosing, once again right here and now, to trust in God with their words and in their actions.  it may mean that they choose to remember all He has given them to silence the voice of grumbling and complaining that threatens to rear its ugly head and cause them to deny His lordship and grasp for their own control.

all we can see is the outward appearance, but God sees straight to the heart. 

i choose to recognize His faithfulness and to remind myself again and again of all that has come from His hand and not question all that i do not know right now.  if He has been faithful in so many ways, He will be faithful again.  even in the unknown we can walk with confidence because of whose hand we hold.

God would not give the darkness
if He thought we could handle the light
but we would not cling to His guiding hand
if the way were always bright
and we would not choose to walk by faith
could we always walk by sight.
                                     unknown

still counting gifts to 1000...

704 - 734:

704. a house to clean.

705. opportunity to be a stay at home mom and supplement our income teaching piano.

706. simeon making so much progress in swimming lessons and actually loving the water now - far cry from the start of the summer!

707. going in on a local raised grass fed steer for meat next summer!

708. new swim suit that fits on clearance.

709. leftovers for lunch.

710. beet brownies.

711. the art of downsizing.

712. the opportunity to teach my kids piano and getting to relate musically to them.

713. making gifts for so many upcoming baby showers!

714. a solid relationship with my mom and dad.

715. kids who pray with faith.

716. He arose from the grave... and i will rise too.

717. God opening doors before us.

718. the new craft of making jam.

719. free berries for reusing old berry baskets.

720. donut peaches.

721. preserving summer fruit for fall and winter.

722. self striping yarn.

723. seeing my cousin after a year and a half of missing her.

724. fresh eggs for breakfast almost every day.

725. places to swim when it is hot.

726. simeon's new sentences every day.

727. reminders to pray every time i see a blooming crepe myrtle tree.

728. a hard afternoon ending with a much better night.

729. free fruit from a friend's bounty.

730. sunday afternoons at my parents' house.

731. a go fish game with my older 3 boys while the little ones napped.

732. faith is simply continued trust in the Trustworthy One.

733. a husband who really is my friend.

734. He is our Source of hope.


i am linked up at a holy experience.



if you haven't liked this facebook page, you can in the upper right of this post.  i would love to keep in better touch with you!

charis 

photo used with permission by garrison photo on stock.xchng

the great work of God

during the past several weeks leading up to christmas day i have been reading the gospels and some of the old testament prophesies regarding the coming of the Messiah. my prayer this year during advent has been that the Holy Spirit would open my heart to really believe in Jesus - that He is a man who walked on this earth and all that is said of Him and by Him is true, that He is fully God who came down to be near you and me and offer us the hope of a resurrection life when He comes back, and that He knows me and cares about me in my own little life here in northern california raising lots of little boys and spending my time building a house of prayer that will hopefully sustain until He returns. open my heart to believe - this is my prayer this year above all others.

i was reading in john 6 the other day and the words of Jesus struck me deep.  the crowds had been coming to Him and asking Him to teach them and show them miracles. they then asked Him the question that seems to be on my heart lately,

what should we do in order to perform the works of God?

isn't that a question all of us ask? so much to do and so little time to do it, and so often the nagging question arises inside, is all i am putting my energy into really worth it? what should i be doing? what should be my focus and do i need to adjust in some way? 

i have been asking myself this question often lately as time seems so finite and the most limited commodity i have been given, and i really desire to be found faithful with it. i want to do the great works of God. i want to be found pleasing. at the end of the day when the dishes aren't done, the floors are dirty, the laundry piled high, the kids grouchy and crying, and the ministry in a seeming holding pattern, what is it that really counts?

Jesus' answer to the crowds is His answer to us all:

here's what the work of God is: to trust in the One He sent.

it is really that simple... and it is that difficult. at the end of the day when i come to the end of myself and am faced with my inevitable inability to be the savior of the world, or even of myself, the great work of God that i can do is to trust in Jesus.

and perhaps this is why He said we must be like a child to inherit the kingdom of God - we must come and trust that He is who He says He is, that He is real, and that He can and will save us when we cannot save ourselves.

since trusting in Him is the highest work we are called to do, may He send His Spirit to strengthen our weak hearts to believe.

go today and do the great work of God.

believe this Christmas in the One He sent.

blessings.

charis 

this post is linked up at

how to deal with money with faith instead of fear

part of sharing my journey and the things i learn and experience is sharing tidbits of how we live on a missionary's income (living on financial support of those who feel called to partner with us in building a house of prayer here in our region) with a large and growing family right here in california.

one thing i will say is i don't know how we could do it if we had debt. we are so blessed to be free of consumer debt and also free of the monthly burden of car loans. we have our mortgage and a 2nd on our house, our regular utilities and costs of living, gasoline expenses, food expenses, and the tuition for our kids' schooling. that is the basics of what we need - no credit card payments, no car loans or leases, no student loans, no medical debt we are trying to pay off... we are very blessed to be freed up to live simply and pursue what God has before us without the extra burden that so many people live with. we lived with debt in the past because of various choices we made, so we know how extremely blessed we are to be free of all this and how much hard work and restraint it takes to dig out of it! one plug that i would shamelessly make is for dave ramsey and his books about finances- i am one of many people i know who have benefited from his counter-culture take on money and belief that it is possible to live without debt.

even with having fairly moderate expenses for a large family of 6, soon to be 7, i find that i, the one who does most of the regular finances though my husband is fully involved in the non-regular bigger decisions, have to continually be creative with money and budgeting and spend a lot of time in prayer to have a heart full of faith when it comes to money instead of a heart full of fear. i am no where near "arriving" in this pursuit of approaching money in faith, but i have found a couple keys that help me keep my heart in check and redirecting my eyes to my Provider instead of the black and white numbers in the check register.

5 keys to approaching finances with faith instead of fear:

1. pray, pray, and then pray some more!
 
really, this sounds so basic, but it can be so hard to stop and pray when you want to dive right in and make something work in the numbers.  i am learning how to approach Father God as my Provider who really does care and know my needs and simply ask Him to provide when the dollars and cents simply don't make sense.  when something unexpected comes up or we haven't had enough support money come in to just make the simplest bottom line, i go to my husband and we pray together, asking the Lord specifically to provide for our needs.

often we involve our kids in praying for finances.  at first i was hesitant to do this because the last thing i wanted was to cause them to worry about adult problems and feel insecure or afraid because of money.  what i learned is this:  if we can approach our need and our petition to God full of faith and give my kids the opportunity to partner with us in prayer for specific measurable needs, we give them the opportunity to build a history of trusting God and seeing answers to prayer. it is like filling a "bank account," so to say, of faith in the God who cares about them that they can draw from when they are grown and facing their own issues.  if i simply keep these prayer times private between my husband and i, i actually rob my kids of an opportunity to see God come through and praise Him for His faithfulness.

i want to stress one point of this though - if i don't have enough faith in the middle of a particular circumstance, i do try to spend time with the Lord in worship, prayer, and the word building that faith before i come before my children for them to partner with us.  i want them to see their parents live the life of faith we are calling them to. while i think it is great for them to know that we struggle at times just like they do, we also need to show them with our lives how to live when things aren't going perfect around us. children learn more from watching how we approach God and live out faith than just from the things we say and teach them alone.

one of the best moments as a parent i have had is getting to tell my kids when God has answered their prayers.  i love telling them when unexpected money shows up or God provides a way to do something that there is no logical way we should have been able to do.  i love the confidence they respond with - the child-like faith that says, "i know, we prayed about it right?"  sharing victories in faith with my children is priceless and stirs me to believe more and more in my own walk with Him.

i wrote in the past about some of my journey in praying for God's provision for finances in the post He told us to ask.


2. read the sermon on the mount

the sermon on the mount is found in matthew chapters 5-7.  i find there is so much in this 3 chapter passage of the Bible and i often hear it called christianity 101.  in this sermon, Jesus laid out what a life of following Him looked like, and actually talked a lot about money.  i find that if i am about to tackle the finances on a monday (my typical day to work on money) and feel the flutter of fear in my heart i pull out my Bible. if i will turn aside for just a few minutes to read the sermon on the mount and pray into any part that stirs my heart, i will be so much more productive when i dive in on paying bills, balancing the checkbook, or whatever financial thing i am working on.  i like to think of the sermon on the mount as my secret weapon against fear.  take it and make it your own!

3. take time to worship God

worshiping the Lord is crucial for me.  i like to sit at my piano and play a favorite worship song and sing to the Lord.  sometimes this turns into singing out of a passage in the Bible that is touching my heart or singing my prayers and the things weighing heavy on me out to Him.  always, and i am pretty confident in saying always, i walk away from even the shortest time in worship changed.  there is something about adoring the Lord in the midst of fear, frustration, and hard life circumstances that not only brings Him so much pleasure and glory, but strengthens the heart to believe.  if you are not a musician, it is okay!  you can crank up your favorite worship cd or turn on the ihop prayer room web stream and sing and worship with one of their sets (they have worship steaming 24/7 and archives you can listen to).  you can open up your own Bible and sing a passage - i always recommend starting with something like a psalm first since they were written to be sung anyways.  you can sing your prayers to a simple melody of a song you already know.  if you think you have a bad voice and don't want anyone to hear, go into a room and shut the door or sing in the shower - i think everyone sounds better in the shower! the point is to worship. worshiping before the circumstances change is such a beautiful gift to bring God.

4. give sacrificially

this seems crazy and sometimes feels crazy when money is already tight! logically it makes sense to wait until there is extra cash before giving. the truth of the matter is, the way we live with little is exactly how we will live with much. if we are generous when we have little, we will be generous when we have much. if we are stingy and fearful when we have little, we will still struggle with being stingy and fearful when we have much. very few people are actually in the place financially that they feel free of need regardless of pay raises or lowered expenses.

it is always a choice we have to make to live with an open hand and not a closed fist.  i have found that when my hand is open, it is easier for the Lord to fill it.  when my fist is tightly shut, i tend to strive to be my own provider and fail to look to Him for the answer.  only the Lord can show you where to give and how much to give, so i would say ask Him!  He is so faithful to provide when we partner our hearts with Him and live generously like He is towards us. 

we tithe, and i know this is something people go back and forth on whether it is still required for  new testament believers or if it was strictly a jewish thing. well, regardless of if it is required by the Lord, we choose to give 10% first and trust Him to stretch our 90% to pay what needs to be paid. when i speak of giving sacrificially, i am always speaking of above and beyond the basic 10%. i can tell you that it will rarely make financial sense on paper to tithe, but somehow it does work out. God honors our heart posture and the practical practice of making Him our Provider and giving this as thanks for all He does. 


5. cultivate a thankful heart

 being thankful is something i am always working on. we play a thankful game with our kids in the car. we try to always give thanks to God before we come before Him in prayer with a need. we try to text, email, or write a quick note of thanks to our financial partners or those who give special financial gifts every time they give. we don't want to ever take for granted all the ways God provides and sustains our lives. i work on recognizing beyond the financial because simply growing in giving thanks strengthens the faith muscle in my heart. i think sometimes of the 10 lepers that Jesus healed and the one that came back to thank Him - i want to be one who comes back to give Him thanks.

so the fall leaves have nothing to do with finances, but they sure catch my eye these days!

these are just some practical tools that help keep my heart aligned as i learn how to live this wild adventure of living by faith financially and in every area of my life. even if you don't live on a missionary support style income, all of these 5 tools can apply to your circumstances right now. this list is definitely not all inclusive, so i welcome below in the comments ideas of how you keep your heart aligned when you approach finances.

this is a marathon and not a sprint - we all will trip up and give into fear at some point, but the point is to get back up and chose to keep going and keep trusting and keep growing in faith. if there is one thing i have learned over the past 3 years of living on missionary support it is this: His faithfulness does not depend on my level of faith - He provides because of who He is. i just get the chance to celebrate and partner with Him when i turn my heart towards Him and believe. He provides for the just and the unjust alike, so it isn't up to us - He is who He is because that is who He is. what a safe place to trust and come and ask and believe!

what is one way you deal with your heart when it comes to finances? how do you keep yourself walking in faith instead of fear? what do you do to overcome fear when you find you have given in?

watch for an upcoming post on practical ways i feed a family of 6, almost 7, on a tight missionary budget and manage to eat healthy whole foods, many organic - with california food prices! i am excited to share this part of our journey with you.

charis

5 things i am thinking about on good friday

photo credit

i am trying to take time to read through the passion of Christ in the four gospel accounts on an important day for our faith - good friday.  the time of easter, the resurrection, the week of passover, this important time to everything we believe and base our lives on... how anchored are we in what it is really all about?

5 things i am thinking about on good friday

1.  Lord i do believe, help my unbelief (mark 9:24).  simply reading the story doesn't do much for my heart.  i have to make a choice to believe it is real at the deepest level, and then ask the Holy Spirit to strengthen my faith.  i don't want to read just another good story. 

2. He really did die, and it was completely His choice.  He turned the other cheek.  God laid down His life for me.  He didn't have to do it.  He doesn't owe me anything.

3. the resurrection is everything.  it wasn't just an arbitrary sign to help us believe that we are forgiven of sin.  He rose from the dead and defeated death that we may be convinced that we too will rise in resurrected bodies... not as ghosts or spirits, but real living people who can eat and drink and live!

and He said to them, "why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? see My hands and My feet, that it is I Myself; touch Me and see, for a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have." and when He had said this, He showed them His hands and His feet. while they still could not believe it because of their joy and amazement, He said to them, "have you anything here to eat?" they gave Him a piece of a broiled fish; and He took it and ate it before them.                                                     luke 24:38-43

why does this matter?  because He will restore what He has originally created the life of man to be like in the garden - eternal communion with God in real life.  

4. although it is a free gift, it takes repentance and faith on our part to receive what Jesus paid for (acts 3:18-21 among other places).  this is something that i have been taught since a child - God gave us free wills to either receive what He paid for or to refuse it.  with all the buzz lately, even making the cover of time magazine, about whether hell is eternal, if everyone will eventually be saved, and what it really means to be saved i feel the weight of once again knowing what is truth.  these ideas are nothing new.  men has always wanted to do things our way, not God's way - it was the original sin.  over and over again the Word says we must repent and we must believe - even confess Jesus as Messiah when it is going to cost us our lives (romans 10:9).  there are not many ways and there are not many chances - we have this opportunity in this present time to receive what He has paid for.

Jesus said to make sure that no man deceives us - that many would come in His name saying that He is the Lord, but preach another gospel than He preached (matt 24).  in the times we are living in, and i do believe this is a crucial hour, i do not want to entertain any vain ideas that would cause my heart to not run hard after knowing Him.  Jesus, the One who loved us more than any man could or has ever loved, did not seem concerned with the message seeming too harsh but instead with the temptation we would have to become lawless and for our love to grow cold.   it was Jesus Himself who spoke of the eternity of the lake of fire as clearly as He spoke of the eternity of life in resurrected bodies (matt 25:46 is just one reference among many).  He said if we deny Him before man, He will deny us before the Father (matt 10:33).  this sounds so harsh (i know, i feel the sting myself!), but if there comes a day when i am faced with death, with very martyrdom for worshiping Jesus, it will keep my life safe forever to remember these harsh words.  there will be many more opportunities as life goes on to cheapen the price He paid, but i will not cheapen it.  i will not get distracted in my pursuit of knowing Jesus nor in my prayer for people to repent and come to Him so they may know His forgiveness and life forever.  He died because i need to be saved from eternal destruction.  there is no other way than the way He plainly said.  it is a narrow gate (matt 7:13-14).  i will not deny Jesus and His sacrifice,  even if it costs me favor with man.

5. He loves us more than we can imagine.  one of the first scriptures that we usually memorize as children raised in the church is john 3:16.  i would encourage you to read the entire 3rd chapter of john.  God loves us.  He really does love us.  if there is one thing that i want to know in my heart of hearts today of all days, the day that He gave His life on a cross for me, it is to know how much He loves me.  so like paul prayed for the church of ephesians, i pray for all of us today:

for this reason i bow my knees before the Father,  from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. amen.
                                                                  ephesians 3:14-20

what are you thinking about in light of today and this resurrection weekend?

charis

it's all about perspective

another monday morning.  another week beginning.  how to i approach new beginnings? 

           with dread and anxiety? 

                        or full of expectation and an awareness of God's activity?

i hear the sounds of my boys playing in their room as i hold the youngest one waiting for his heavy eyelids to surrender to sweet slumber.  i feel a stirring inside to connect with the One who gave me life and breath.  will i have the chance to steal away?

i look forward to my time in the shower.  hot water is soothing, but even more so are the moments of connecting with the Lord uninterrupted.  i anticipate the chance to pour out my love on Him and focus my attention before the demands of being a mom consume me and another day slips by without my heart being aligned with His.  the tasks ahead of me are the same; my perspective doesn't have to be.

whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. amen. 
                                                                                   1 peter 4:11

this is the life of a christian mom.  whoever speaks... whoever serves...   fresh perspective!  may all i put my hand to be for the glory of the One who gives me life, hope, and joy.

 

i continue counting blessings. how much slips by unnoticed when my eyes are not open to see the gifts He showers all around me all the time.  i open my eyes once again and thanksgiving brings forth praise and expectation.

49-71:

49. a bigger backyard after the structure demo.

50. running water.  twice within 48 hours we have had the water main shut off for 4-6 hours due to burst pipes during the demo in the backyard.

51. brothers that would come help my husband fix the pipes even in the dark.

52. new fun recipes that the kids love such as chicken paprikash.

53. surprise $ in our missionary check this month from a loved one right when we needed it.

54. the Holy Spirit reminding my heart to stop striving and be still.

55. homemade yogurt topped with homemade granola.

56. the baby saying mama when he cries and the privilege to be the one who comforts him.

57. provision to pay for asher's filling he needed this week.

58. sitting in the dentist office reading the book of isaiah on my phone and meditating on the faithfulness of God while asher's teeth were being filled right next to me.

59. email alerts of new comments on my blog.

60. the opportunity to be bad at something so i can learn something new.

61. brothers and sisters that i choose to be my closest friends.

62. toys on the floor showing our house is a home that is lived in.

63. the change of seasons.

64. reading a blog of an old friend that encourages me that my assignment to raise 4 boys to love the Lord is of highest importance and to not grow faint.

65. the color yellow.

66. the timely blessings of friends.

67. sitting on the chocolate brown leather couch surrounded by my 4 little men feeling like the richest woman in the world.

68. pizza sundays at my parents' house.

69. gathering with other families at homegroup and worshiping and studying the Word with our children.

70. the adventure of learning to live by faith.

71. being a missionary in my hometown.



won't you go to a holy experience to link up and join in if you too are a blogger?  let me know in a comment below that you are taking part and i will visit your blog.

what are you thankful for today?

charis

simple woman's daybook 3.31.11

 

for today:

outside my window... beautiful blue skies.  i think it is supposed to be 86 today.  hail and freezing cold last week, 86 today.  i guess we don't mess around.

i am thinking... that when i am upset and feeling the swirl of emotions, that i should just restrain from opening my mouth.  what i want to do in the moment most of all is just let it flow and get it all out verbally, but it never really helps anything at all and usually just hardens my heart a little more.  i know taming the tongue is right, but it is not easy.  how painful it is to keep my mouth closed and just let the tears flow!  i am so not good at this. 

i am thankful... for a husband that reminds me of how i want to live instead of telling me that my reactions are justified.  i am also thankful that he is gentle in the way he reminds me.  i want to be encouraged towards the Lord, not towards more of my flesh.

remembering... His mercies are new every morning.  He is so faithful, even when i feel like my world is a mess.   

from the learning rooms... i feel like my sister is my all things creative teacher/coach.  i come from every conversation with her inspired to make something new. 

from the kitchen... my husband accidentally bought kidney beans instead of pinto beans and i am not a fan.  so, i found a recipe online to try and find a way i would eat kidney beans.  oh my goodness!  this red kidney bean dip from food network was amazing!  we will get use out of those beans after all!
 

i am wearing... jammies.  it seems i always write these in my jams.

i am creating... lots of fun items for my etsy shop.  what do you think of this crocheted flower headband?

i am having a great time creating for the daughter i never had.  (don't you love my model?!  ha!)

i am going... to a piano student's talent show tonight.  we have worked on a piece for it for the past 6 weeks - he is going to do amazing!

i am reading... the book of isaiah in my Bible reading challenge.  it is amazing how much of the prophesies of isaiah have yet to be fulfilled.  it feels like such an important book for the time we are living in.

i am hoping... our new idea for getting our #3 son to stay dry while sleeping is a success!

my sister made this amazing game board for kids.  she uses it for her girls with chores.  we already do a chore chart, so i thought i would use it here to help david remember to keep his diaper dry during nap and night time.  he has been potty trained during the day for a year, but is a deep sleeper.  every time he shows me a dry diaper after waking up, all three of the older boys (simeon isn't participating yet!) get to move their magnet forward a space.

there are treat spaces and when we reach the finish line we will take them all to chuck e cheese and david will get to sleep in undies!  the game reminds me a bit of candy land and she did all the graphic design for it - bright and colorful and kid friendly!

so far it has the older boys cheering him on.  you can buy your own game board at her etsy store.  she sold 4 within the first 24 hours of having them up (i got mine for free - that is what you get when you have a creative teacher/coach for a younger sister)!  if you decide you want one too, but in the purchase notes that you heard about it here on my blog!  thanks.
 

i am hearing... sweet baby talk from a sweet baby next to me.

around the house... we are doing a demo of a structure in our backyard.  it was a little building we had high hopes for when we first bought our house, but later found out was pretty much condemned by the city.  bummer.  well, now we are taking it down and instead going to have extra space in the yard and put some raised bed gardens in that area, since it is the only part of the yard that gets sun. 

  
one of my favorite things...watching my #3 son make the baby boy laugh and laugh.  i can tell they are going to be friends for life.

pondering... faith is the gaze of a soul upon a saving God.  a. w. tozer

a few plans for the rest of the week: well, hopefully the backyard demo will be finished.  i have to take #1 man-child to a dentist appointment today for another filling!  poor guy.  he was so nervous last time.  poor mama's wallet!  i get to watch a piano student perform for his talent show tonight.  not really sure about the weekend plans, but if the weather stays nice i am sure we will be outside soaking in the vitamin d.  how about you?

picture for the day:

here is the backyard demo after the guys pulled down the car port section with our jeep.  i think they are having too much fun with this.

here is where i am linked up for the simple woman's daybook.  

charis

simple woman's daybook 3.2.11

 

 

for today:

outside my window...it is raining.  i am sitting in starbucks, just finished up with my isaiah study, and looking at the rain come down.  we need it.  even as much as i don't like getting wet, we need it.  thank you Lord for your blessing upon us in sending the rain.

i am thinking...the faithfulness of God.  i am so thankful His faithfulness is not contingent on the faithfulness or faithlessness of people.  He is faithful because that is who He is!  what a solid place to put my faith.

i am thankful for... supernatural provision.  we had a tough month last month financially (just being rather transparent with all of you, more than i often feel comfortable doing).  we prayed and prayed and prayed for provision.  even on the other side of it i am amazed at how we even got through.  it wasn't easy.  it wasn't instantaneous.  it was painful and slow and exposing of all the cracks in my faith that the Lord wants to fill with Himself and His goodness and care for me.  i am left feeling broken and poor in spirit (matthew 5), but so very thankful that, i said before, His faithfulness isn't up to something inside of me. 


in the midst of a very hard month we had about $600 of unexpected cash gifts from people - some were anonymous and we don't even know who to thank.  if that isn't humbling, i don't know what is.  i don't know if it is harder to know who it is who makes sacrifices to give to us or to not know.  either way i am so extremely thankful to all who were obedient to the leading of the Lord to give so generously to us, not even knowing what a tough time it has been because we are not super quick to share about it. 


besides this, we had someone (bill's parents who are missionaries themselves in guatemala) buy us a brand new refrigerator.  the one we have had the past 7.5 years was left in the house we bought and on its way out even then.  in the midst of such a trying month, we were so blessed and God is reminding me again and again that mere man is not my provider.  He alone is my Provider. 


remembering... to start each day in thankfulness - it changes so much to just simply change my perspective and where i am focusing my attention.  

from the learning rooms... well, we are still in the throws of making the decision of where to send our #2 son to school.  part of me wants him at the school he is at right now, parts wonders it at home would be a better option for this year.  we are seeking the Lord for His direction for this year and trusting He will lead us to make the best choice for him for this season.

from the kitchen... i made a big pot of beef stew last night and i have to say it was the best beef stew i have ever made.  what was the difference you ask?  well, i seasoned the meat with steak seasoning as i browned it, then dry sauted the mushrooms adding white wine when they lost their juices and sooo yummy!  we have enough left to have it again tonight!

i am wearing... my skinny jeans, cute red shoes that i got for christmas, a chunky gray sweater that has a big cowl neck, and a plaid red coat that is honestly my favorite.  i love red as an accent color!

i am creating... this amazing knit scarf... i decided to use big fat needles and skinny little angora/wool yarn.  the effect is a loopy delicate scarf that would be perfect as an accent to any outfit. 

i am going... on a little date tonight.  woohoo!  fun little coffee date with my babe of almost 9 years! 

i am reading... psalms still in my Bible reading challenge.  i must say that as much as i love it, i have been falling behind again because the way you version set up the reading for each day, they assigned like 6 psalms most days and that gets to be a bit more than i can do right now.  when i divided the chapters of the Bible by 365, i got that most days i should be reading 3 chapters to stay on track.  so, that makes me ask, are they only going to have me read 1 chapter at a time when i get to the book of isaiah?! 

i am hoping... to have a good tax appointment tomorrow.  are you all done with your taxes already?  anyone last minute about it?  i am glad our accountant sets up the next year's appointment on the same date as the current appointment or i know i would totally forget and procrastinate until the very last moment.

i am hearing... the sounds of starbucks music and conversation all around me.  it is busy here today.

around the house... i am so needing the motivation i had a couple weeks ago for organizing.  i dug into a dreaded hall closet that had become a catch all, and i am about half done with a box of things now sitting in the hall that need a permanent home.  unfortunately, i have been lacking both time and motivation to find it for them.  for some reason i would rather things out of sight and out of mind than sitting there in the hallway reminding me that i haven't finished what i started.  i am resisting the temptation to just shove them back into the closet and forget about them.

  
one of my favorite things... is a warm meal on a cold day. 


pondering... this quote from a Bible scholar by the name of grogan from the isaiah study i am doing:

it is a strange paradox that nothing makes a being less like God than the urge to be His equal, for He who was God stepped down from the throne of his glory to display to the wondering eyes of men the humility of God (Phil 2:5-8).

a few plans for the rest of the week:  tomorrow is the dreaded tax appointment.  for some reason i always dread it, but always feel such relief when it is over.  i had a new niece born yesterday, so i hope to see her at some point later this week.  i am watching another niece for my sister on friday.  have i ever mentioned that i have 12 nieces and 3 nephews.  is something a bit strange about this picture?  12 nieces! (including 2 in utero)... yet i only have boys.  crazy!

picture for the day:

here is the outfit i wore today so you can get a look.  are you a fan of skinny jeans?  i wasn't until i wore them.  yes, i know... i am such a follower.  hahaha! 

more of the simple woman's daybook.  

charis