advent

this year we are trying a new thing as a family and celebrating advent with candles and all. now, we don't have a wreath, but we have pretty homemade candles the boys made me last year for christmas, and we light them as we are going through a family advent plan once a week leading up to christmas eve.

i have done advent bible reading plans for each day of december in the past, and got a lot out of it centering my heart on Jesus during a time that could either be full of worship for His coming and anticipation of His second coming or full of stress and pressure. this year i wanted to do something that involved the kids in centering our hearts as a family.

advent simply means coming or waiting. we celebrate Jesus' first coming. we wait for Jesus' second coming. if christmas becomes about gifts, or traditions, or stuff (either in the having or the lack), we have really missed the point.

with all that i have been through this past year, i wait and eagerly anticipate His second coming more than ever. this is not escapism. this is what Jesus told the apostles to preach to all the world - that there is forgiveness for sin with repentance, and to have faith in the day when He will come again and make all things right. so, i set my gaze and my hopes this christmas on true hope - His return.

bless you and your family this season!

oh come, oh come Emmanuel!

charis

what is hope?

i hear a lot of talk these days about hope. our president ran on the theme of "hope" and "change." the church has picked up the baton, not to be outdone by the political rhetoric, and shouts out, "there is hope in Jesus! you can have hope!"

the only problem is, both the world and the church seem to promise that this hope is anchored in our circumstances changing and somehow life getting better, easier, and more secure now, or at least very soon.

i like the sound of this as much as anyone else. i have had a hard year and a half, quite possibly the hardest of my entire life. there were prayers that i prayed that weren't answered the way i had hoped. and if i am not careful, i could easily slip into accusation against God for being the One to cause "hope deferred that makes the heart sick." i had wanted horrible circumstances to change now, and had even come to the Lord asking for that change.

but the danger of the message that hope is anchored in change of circumstances, and linking that to hope in God, is when things don't change, when the worst possible outcome of a terrible situation comes true, our faith is left shaken.

true biblical Hope is so different than the insecure ground of just desiring our circumstances to change.

praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! in His great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade - kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. in this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. these have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 peter 1:3-9

our Hope is always to be anchored in the return of our Lord Jesus the Messiah. our living Hope is not that things will change now, but that He is resurrected and will resurrect our bodies too and give us an inheritance that will never be taken away. sometimes circumstances do get better. sometimes miracles do happen. these are meant to point us to the day when He restores all things that were lost or taken, and that day is when He returns. these wonderful answers to prayer are never to anchor our hope in now. the bible is clear that all our Hope is to be placed in our beautiful Savior coming for us. maybe our misplaced hope is the reason why the Spirit and the bride are not calling out in a unified cry, "come!"

so if you are battling fear right now, if you feel like your hands are not cut out for the task before you, and your knees maybe giving out from under you from all the pressure and pain in your life, listen carefully to what i have to say:

be strong.

do not fear.

your God will come.

He will come with vengeance.

With divine retribution He will come to save you.

(isaiah 35:4-5)

this you can count on.

in this world we will suffer great tribulations. we will be wronged by other people, we will experience grief and heartache, and we will feel loss in the deepest sense of the word.

right now, you may be experiencing more pain that you even thought possible, crying more tears than you thought humanly possible to cry. He will not leave you as an orphan. He promised He would come back and make the wrong things right, and He will. not only will be return all that was stolen, but He will even raise up the bodies that sickness, disease, and death sought to destroy. every wrong will be made right. 

we cry out for God to do the miracles now, and rejoice when they do come. but regardless of if they come now or not, we keep our Hope set on His return.

and He. will. come.

charis

what i am waiting for

a shoot will come up from the stump of jesse;
from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.
The Spirit of the Lord will rest on Him - 
the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and of power,
the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord - 
and He will delight in the fear of the Lord.

He will not judge by what He sees with His eyes,
or decide by what He hears with His ears;
but with righteousness He will judge the needy,
with justice He will give decisions for the poor of the earth.
He will strike the earth with the rod of His mouth;
with the breath of His lips He will slay the wicked.
righteousness will be His belt
and faithfulness the sash around His waist.

the wolf will live with the lamb,
the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling together;
and a little child will lead them.
the cow will feed with the bear,
their young will lie down together,
and the lion will eat straw like the ox.
the infant will play near the hole of the cobra,
and the young child put his hand into the viper's nest.
they will neither harm nor destroy 
on My holy mountain, 
for the earth will be full of the knowledge of the Lord
as the waters cover the sea.

in that day the Root of Jesse will stand as a banner for the peoples; the nations will rally to Him, and His place of rest will be glorious. in that day the Lord will reach out His hand a second time to reclaim the remnant that is left of His people from assyria, from lower egypt, from upper egypt, from cush, from elam, from babylonia, from hamath and from the islands of the sea. 

He will raise a banner for the nations
and gather the exiles of israel;
He will assemble the scattered people of judah
from the four quarters of the earth.
ephraim's jealousy will vanish,
and judah's enemies will be cut off;
ephraim will not be jealous of judah,
nor judah hostile toward ephraim.
they will swoop down on the slopes of philistia 
to the west;
together they will plunder the people to the east.
they will lay hands on edom and moab,
and the ammonites will be subject to them.
the Lord will dry up
the gulf of the egyptian sea;
with a scorching wind He will sweep His hand 
over the euphrates river.
He will break it up into seven streams
so that men can cross over in sandals.
there will be a highway for the remnant of His
people,
that is left from assyria,
as there was for israel,
when they came up from egypt.

isaiah 11

this is the day i am waiting for. when we just begin to believe that it is really real... wow! what hope. what an amazing time it will be when He is here again. His place of rest will be glorious...

charis

the blog post i didn't want to write

you may have noticed it has been pretty quiet around here the past couple weeks.

this is a post i really do not want to write, but if i don't write it i fear i will avoid blogging in general. it is super long, so we will see if anyone actually makes it through the whole thing. i am writing it more for me really - and a little bit for you to have perspective as my readers of where i am coming from in everything i have written over the past year and will write in the future.

saturday, march 9th was my 11 year anniversary with this wonderful guy.

 

see how happy we are? no we don't have a perfect marriage (if you didn't know, they don't exist), but as i have pointed to so many times in my marriage series joy in the journey, we have a darn good one.

saturday morning i posted this as my facebook status:

ok, so i used the wrong "to" ... i am a real person for sure.

my husband and i, who haven't had but a couple hours together with no kids since hosea was born almost a year ago, set up a day of dates by arranging 3 different slots of times to get our kids watched with nursing breaks in between. it was like a day away that worked with our very real life of 5 kids 9 and under with one as a baby.

it was nearly magical.

this past year has been a really hard one. the night hosea was born (while i was actually in beginning labor and stopping to breath through contractions while making dinner), i got that horrible phone call no one wants to get. it was my daddy. he needed to tell me that he got some medical results that were not good news. i tried to relax through a contraction that left me breathless as he fumbled to utter the horrible diagnosis with tears mingling through his words. "it's cancer. it's back. it's not good. God is good and we will get through this."

all i could manage to say at first is, "okay... okay... okay..." i frantically tried to sort through my thoughts and ask the questions that were popping up all over. "how bad? what do we do from here? how is mom?" all the while trying to breathe through the contractions that continued to build. i didn't even think to tell him in the moment that i was in labor.

from there the rest of the evening and wee hours of the next morning are a bit of a blur. i did manage to call my mom back, and let her know that it was time to go to the hospital because the baby was coming soon, and that it was up to her if she could handle being there - i understood if it was too hard. she came; i know how hard it was for her, but she was there. the half hour drive to the hospital i read lamentations 3 on my iphone in between contractions starting at the first verses of:

i am the man who has seen affliction 
because of the rod of His wrath.  
He has driven me and made me walk 
in darkness and not in light. 

breathe. connect with the Holy Spirit. where is Jesus in all of this? i breathed, read, cried, and prayed as we drove to the hospital.

He has filled me with bitterness, 
He has made me drunk with wormwood.
He has broken my teeth with gravel; 
He has made me cower in the dust.  
my soul has been rejected from peace; 
i have forgotten happiness. 
so i say, "My strength has perished, 
And so has my hope from the LORD. 

i felt each word so deeply. in both physical and intense emotional pain, i could connect with each word penned so beautifully by the prophet jeremiah. i read, i cried, i breathed, and tried to relax - aching and searching for hope to hold onto while i faced both the immediate trial of birthing my 5th baby, and the impending trial of walking through this fearful diagnosis with my dad.

surely my soul remembers 
and is bowed down within me. 
this i recall to my mind, 
therefore i have hope.  
the LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, 
for His compassions never fail. 
"the LORD is my portion," says my soul, 
"therefore i have hope in Him."  
the LORD is good to those who wait for Him, 
to the person who seeks Him. 
it is good that he waits silently 
for the salvation of the LORD.  

silence. it is interesting that the birthing approach we use centers around silence and letting go to ride over the waves of pain. surrender. silence. waiting. so much was aligning in my life in just moments that all felt unending.

for the Lord will not reject forever, 
for if He causes grief, 
then He will have compassion 
according to His abundant lovingkindness.  
for He does not afflict willingly 
or grieve the sons of men. 

He does not afflict willingly or grieve the sons of men... wow. all that we suffer coming from the curse of death as fruit of the fall... and the picture of the Lord weeping with our weeping, not far from our suffering but oh so near... desiring to take away all the affliction and grief that all men walk through in this life. the Lord waiting for the day when He will take it away forever, wiping away every tear once and for all. 

my eyes pour down unceasingly, 
without stopping,
until the LORD looks down 
and sees from heaven.  

though jeremiah wrote of jerusalem's destruction, i could feel his words describing my own acute pain.  and then i found it - the words that became the anchor to get me through the next hours of labor. the anchor that gave me focus in the time i most needed focus but felt most distracted:

i called on Your name, o LORD, 
out of the lowest pit.
You have heard my voice, "do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief, 
from my cry for help."
You drew near when i called on You; 
You said, "do not fear!" 

and for the next 4 hours til i held my sweet baby in my arms, i said these words in a whisper over and over again: i called on Your name... out of the lowest pit... You have heard my voice... and You drew near when i called... You said do. not. fear!

i will never forget the first time my daddy held hosea (salvation comes from the Lord) justus (justice in greek - the wrong things will be made right).

the way he looked at my hour old baby and the way my baby looked back - no one can ever take those moments away from me. the grief. the uncertainty. the hope. so much intermingled.

sacred.  

the next several months were a roller coaster - conflicting doctor reports, one saying no cancer, another saying contained cancer, the original said cancer throughout the liver... wanting so badly to believe the report of no cancer, and yet my dad started losing weight through the summer and getting fatigued. at one point we were told there was cancer, but that he was an excellent candidate for a transplant. then came the painful news in november, at the end of a ton of tests and appointments prepping for a transplant, that there was too much. the original report on the day of my labor with hosea was indeed correct.

so many people asked me why we hadn't talked about what we were going through. for one it was a confusing time with a lot of conflicting medical reports, and lots of tests and waiting for results. also, my family is pretty private. my dad didn't want it all blasted on facebook, or the entire internet web, which i respect. he shared with those in active close relationship who would pray with us, and with the university he taught at; we were free to share with anyone we would like and i had an amazing core of women who were praying with me. to blog about it openly didn't feel respectful or right. my dad also didn't want to be labeled with the hopeless diagnosis when we had our hope in the Lord.

we did have hope. my dad had a God dream 9.5 years ago of a river of healing - he had confirmations that the word was from God along the way of almost 10 years of health struggles. in the same dream my dad saw the baby my sister is currently pregnant with - what a encouragement of hope! we were praying for a complete miracle of healing, and believed God to sustain my dad's life even in the midst of the medical field offering no hope or solutions. throughout the whole journey my dad constantly reminded us that God is both good and trustworthy. in the midst of my moments of doubt or fear, he did not waiver in his faith and steadfast quiet trust. i don't understand entirely why things turned out the way they did, but i know the Lord is so pleased with my dad's tried and true faith. i guess we wouldn't need to trust God completely if we always had perfect understanding or all the answers. so much falls into the area of trust.

so with all this going on over the past year of our lives, and having 5 wonderful kids filling our hearts, hands, and schedules, it was amazing to get time together. however this time was filled with thoughts of how my dad was doing in the back of my mind and in our conversation throughout our day. it had been an intense couple months, bringing us to the point where we needed to see God's one touch now. we started our anniversary morning with 45 minutes over at my parents' house, and i made my mom promise to message me on my phone if she needed me for anything, even though we were going to be on a day full of dates. she promised.

at the end of a great day, laughter mingled with tears, we were at my cousins' house picking up a couple of our kids to go home for the night. we had set up a group imessage with my mom and siblings a few months back to make communication with my mom and helping her easier. we had been chatting on it some through the evening sharing prayer and verses together. while getting the kids ready to go home, bill handed me my phone saying there was a strange message from my mom. right after a verse that had been shared she wrote, "come now if you can." it was a few minutes of wondering if she meant for all of us to literally come over at 9:48pm or if she was talking about healing coming... i felt the urgency somewhere inside, mostly likely the Holy Spirit, and told bill we just needed to go and left our kids with my cousin. my siblings and i wrote back and forth on our phones quickly making a plan for all of us to get over there, which involved waking and transporting sleeping kids, still with no info of what was going on or what my mom meant.

in all the crazy swirl of emotions, the very little actual information, and my literal freaking out in the car ride to get our younger kids from my brother's house so they could pack up to go to my parents' as well, i cried out for a miracle and for total healing for my dad. the next hour or so is just too raw and personal for me to write out here right now, but in God's mercy we were all in the room with my mom when my dad went to be with the Lord. all of us. the kids were downstairs with one of our best friends ever who had on a movie for them and was putting them back to sleep, my older two in transit over by my dear cousin who was there to support me however i most needed it.

my parents never obtained hospice. my dad never took even a pill of motrin for pain, refusing anything even on the last day. my mom had not once had someone stay the night with her even in the last couple hard weeks. we were praying and hoping and waiting for a miracle, and though i know a lot of people may not understand, this is how we walked through this as a family - our hope and trust only on Him. i do not say that using hospice or pain medication is a lack of trust or hope, i just mean to paint the picture of how life looked in the middle of it. it was very hard and my dad was very weak, but he fully believed and waited on the Lord to touch him. that saturday night, while i was out to dinner for my 11 year anniversary, on our group imessage we decided as a family that my dad's brother would stay the night with my mom in case she needed help. i am so thankful we made that decision and believe it is largely why we were all able to get there in time to be with my mom when my daddy went to be with Jesus. i am so thankful. so so thankful.

we not only prayed for healing up until the last moments, but we prayed for resurrection in the hour or so after his spirit departed. the right people were all there - i just can't express enough how much this meant: both my mom's brothers, my oldest cousin, all three of us kids and spouses, my dad's brother... all in the room, all together, all asking the Lord to do what only He could do. my aunt brought over my grandma, my cousin leah came with my boys, and my uncle's wife came as well... we sat and we cried. and we cried. we called my dad back, and when he didn't come back my mom started to sing.

great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father;
there is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not;
how Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

great is Thy faithfulness! great is Thy faithfulness!
morning by morning new mercies i see.
all i have needed Thy hand hath provided;
great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

in the midst of the greatest sorrow of her life, my mom led us in worship of the One in whom we had put all our hope and all our trust. she led us in the hymn written from lamentations 3.

and in the middle of it all, i heard the Lord, with that still, small, steady voice, whisper loudly in my mind "those who put their hope in the Lord will NEVER be put to shame."

as foolish as we may have looked, as my dad may have looked, putting all our hope in Him and making the decisions to wait for a miracle up until the last moments - believing and trusting in a Good God, there will be no shame. no shame. only a faith tested by fire proven to be true and real and unmoved - a faith like the 3 hebrews who would not bow, but trusted God to deliver them; and yet if He did not, their faith would remain the same.

even in the Holy Spirit's sweet comfort, i am left with so many questions. my most recent post, with almost 650 views in the past couple weeks, is the marriage advice of my parents. the dream from the Lord that got my dad through so many hard years, and the last very hard year, seems only partially fulfilled. my trustworthy Lord took my daddy to be with Him on my anniversary, and only a couple days before my mom's birthday and my sister's 10th anniversary (the day we ended up holding the memorial service to celebrate his life)... only a couple weeks before this miracle baby that he saw in his dream was due to be born.

i do not believe cancer is from the Lord. i do believe it is one of the fruits of the fall and the curse of death that isn't fully reversed until the day Jesus comes back. i do believe God heals and works miracles, neither of which we will need any more when He returns. i do not believe the devil took my dad out - the devil and God are not equals. if my daddy is with Jesus instead of with me, then it was because Jesus decided to take him now; i do not understand why now and not a lot later than now, but i know that nothing can pluck us from His hand. yet even with this, i have so many questions. i think i will probably still have them when i finally get to see my Lord face to face.

but i trust.

               and i believe.

                                    and i have hope.

because He is faithful even when it is hard to understand; there is so much so hard to understand.

and i have to ask, why on my anniversary? why the day i was in labor with my 5th baby, my grace baby whose name is salvation and justice? then why on my happy day of celebrating covenant?

i almost am afraid to write that out because inevitably well meaning people will try to give me their answers. i do not want your answers. in the midst of pain i need the Lord's encounter, not the reasoning of mere mortals, even well meaning mere mortals.

as the words of the poem i posted on facebook, the poem that we quoted in our vows (and were also in my parents' vows as well), the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life... rang truer this march 9th than anytime in all my life. i am so thankful for my husband and that i can love him with

the breath, smiles, tears...
                                          of all my life

my heart aches. i am greatly in need of the Comforter. there are a lot of tears right now, and i am still here waiting for the Lord to save us from this fallen state of this world and bring His perfect justice, maybe waiting for it more eagerly now than ever before. 

wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
at the sound of His roar, sorrows will be no more,
when He bares His teeth, winter meets its death,
and when He shakes His mane, we shall have spring again.
                                                          c.s. lewis

i know and hope in the true Aslan. and i can trust Him. with all my many questions and my hurting heart, i can trust Him - 
for if He causes grief, 
                           then He will have compassion 
according to His abundant lovingkindness. 
                                      for He does not afflict willingly 
                or grieve the sons of men.


i know this is a long post and it is painfully raw. i think it needed to be said now, since out of respect to my dad i didn't share along the way. thank you for your prayers for me and my family - my siblings, my kids, my nieces and nephews, my mom.

daddy, i love you more than any amount of broken, incomplete written language could ever begin to express. every day, even the hardest ones, were all a gift from God to me. i am waiting for our next date together, though a lot longer than i was hoping. thank you for showing me what it looks like to fully lean on my Beloved One and what real faith looks like. i will miss you every day of my life until we meet again, either in heaven or in the air on His return. i love you.

charis

here

word for the day:  here

start.

and so here i am again.  waiting.

i almost don't want to exhale the pressure is built up so tight inside my chest.  i look up at the ceiling afraid to breathe lest i cry and never stop.

over on the wall is written the word hope.

h.o.p.e.

and i nod my head because it is true.  i wait here and dare not move because i hope in You.  i hope something will change and am almost afraid to believe it would or could.  but i know that You are faithful and will never leave me.

you see straight into the deepest parts.  where the darkness lies and where i cannot run anymore and cannot hide.  You open me up and read me like a book and as the red rises to my cheeks i dare not look away for You see me.  You really do see.  

when no one else sees.

if i dare to let the tears fall, you are not ashamed of my weakness.   

oh. so. deep. it. goes.  

trying so hard to be strong and to believe the right thing. to say the right thing.   

just. the. right. thing.  

but i don't know.  and so i sit here, right here, and wait.  i must have You meet me.  i must encounter You because i really have no one else. 

stop.

yikes, didn't think i was going to open up that can of worms.

if you want to join in, the instructions are below.



5 minute friday rules:
1. write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. link back here and invite others to join in.
3. please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them.

if you write a 5 minute friday, let me know.  i would love to visit your blog and read your heart.


charis

beyond

word for the day:  beyond

start.

i can't help but wonder how a human being can have so many deep desires and plans on his heart and somehow even begin to scratch the surface of them in a mere 70-80 years. 

a wise woman i know once told me that the callings of God were eternal.  that sometimes a prophetic word may not be fulfilled at all on this side of eternity - the prophesy might be saved for the crossing over.

i still ponder those words as they come back at key times of questioning.  but what about ____?  arises to my mind often.  the desire to understand how to fit so much life into so little time.

but what if the answer does lie beyond the time i can see right now?

what if our true calling isn't even unlocked until the beyond? 

for God cannot lie.  if He said it, He will do it. 

the beautiful mess that we live in may not look a bit like what we envision and yet...

and yet He is faithful. 

His mercies are new. 

we have a living hope.  we serve a risen Lord.  and we will rise too.

and when we step into that which is beyond what we are in today, then we shall fully understand in the looking back why He wanted to wait and work it in us deeply - because today really isn't all we have.

stop.

want to join in?  it is easy. i look forward to joining in whenever i can on a friday.



5 minute friday rules:
1. write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. link back here and invite others to join in.
3. please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them.

if you write a 5 minute friday, let me know.  i would love to come by and read your take on the word beyond.  you never know what will come out.


charis

when it is just too much

it has been a rough couple days.  i don't know if it is just in the air, so to speak, but there is so much going on all around me and pretty much all of it involves pain deep in the heart.  the pressure seems unbearable at moments when i cry out to the Lord and say, it is too much... all of this is just too much. 

tonight i was reminded of a song:

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth will grow strangely dim
in the light of His Glory and Grace

it isn't as if the problems are magically solved and everything is fine and dandy.  but it feels so different to approach the same things that life has to offer when i lock my gaze onto Jesus, search for the hope and encouragement that is in His eyes, and let the anxiety go.  He really can be trusted.  we can trust Him with whatever it is that is weighing so heavy upon our hearts. 

He knows, He understands, and He can be trusted. 

charis

there must be more than this

every once in a while I need a major wake up call that my everyday normal life isn't all there is.

i am not complaining for one moment about being a mom to 4 boys.  though i have had that ache inside at some point to explore other things as well, i don't have any particular itch right now to do anything differently off the top of my head (other than pay our bills on time and have enough money to keep up with the sky-rocketing gas prices!  can i hear an amen on that?!).

i wrestled for several months about my current season and i now really feel a peace and contentment about exactly where i am and what i am focusing on - my family.   let me me be perfectly honest, i have had many seasons when i didn't have this assurance that i was in the right place at the right time doing what i was meant to do.  though i struggled to find the peace, i just felt discontent.  right now isn't one of those times for me.  but even in this place of my life, in fact possibly especially in this place of my life, i must live with the constant awareness of the reality that there must be more than this.

there is so much on my heart that i would like to do someday.  i have dreams, goals, fleeting ideas of places i would go, things i would try, songs i would write, instruments i would learn to play, languages i would learn to speak.

i have always wanted to live in another country.

i have always wanted to run a marathon.

i have always wanted to write a book.

and yet, let's say every single one of these dreams inside are fulfilled one day (or even if they are possibly not), there still must be more than this. 

i get so wrapped up in the present life that so many many times i lose vision of the so much more there is and how very little understanding or awareness i have of it.  so much of my life passes by, moment by moment, day by day, and i fail to realize that at some point every single thing will be laid bare for all to see.   all the big things, all the little things, all the choices of what i said or didn't say, all the inner motives if my heart... they will all be seen.  they will be out on display and i don't know at this moment if it shakes me up more that you all will really know the inner workings of me or that i will look Him who created me in the eye and realize that He has always known it all along- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

and i think for me at least, when i get so focused on making sure there are clean socks, or dry diapers, or anointed worship sets, or prompt mortgage payments, or inspired blog posts i lose vision for what this life is all about.   i lose hope that even my heart can be sanctified; that the personality weaknesses that i have struggled with all of my life can be transformed; that i, even i, could be meek and humble instead of selfish and people pleasing.

when i start to think of this life as all there is, i lose vision for fullness in my own heart. suddenly the dreams to see the world, or be financially secure, or well liked and accepted become so much bigger than the dream of possessing my own soul.

where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained, 
but happy is he who keeps the law.
proverbs 29:18

i have once again become acutely aware of the darkness hiding in the depths of my heart and i am grieved at what i see.  i am still spending time in prayer, in the Word, and even in public ministry... but there are areas of sin i had lost vision of ever overcoming.  there are areas i did not acknowledge as even being sin, but simply a part of my personality.  i am deeply grieved that if i were to stand before Jesus today, i would have to give an account before Him and before you for losing vision for possessing my own heart and failing to present to Him what i could have if i had only believed it to be possible to finally be whole.

you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin...
hebrews 12:4

grace is given that we (i) can have the means to finally be free.  not free to sin, but free to actually have the ability to obey and to love Him with a whole heart... something i have talked a lot about with little actual understanding of what it looked like in my own life.  

there must be more than this.

the fact that my eyes are once again open to the vision of this as a real possibility for me is bigger than any dream i could have for my life on this side of eternity.


charis

piece by piece

before having kids i was an elementary school teacher.  i actually taught 2nd grade for the two years that i worked full-time in the classroom before having my first baby.

one of my favorite things to do with my students as a learning center and as one of those "time-fillers" for the 2-3 minutes they finished a project early before the rest of the class or were waiting for the 2 minutes before the final bell rang to go home for the day was a puzzle.  i loved to always have a puzzle on the blue table in my classroom that was a work in progress.  a student would put in a piece or two here and there and as a whole class we would slowly chip away at finishing it together.  my students got pretty skilled for 7 year olds at puzzles.  i remember the hardest one i brought in was a 500 piece puzzle that ended up having very odd pieces when i opened it up.  i thought, oh great!  i picked one that they will not be able to finish.  i wondered if it would end up being demoralizing to have something way beyond the age and ability level they were at.  i even had other adults sit down once in a while when they stopped by and marvel at the difficulty of the puzzle we were undertaking.

yet, little by little, with great patience and perseverance, my class of second graders finished the difficult puzzle!  it was one of those moments when i was not only proud of them, but honestly surprised that they were even able to do it.  what a great example that was to me that the most difficult tasks can be completed one small piece at a time.  it doesn't necessarily matter my skill level or even my confidence.  it is all about the patience and perseverance of doing the little i can and not giving up until it is completed.

now i do puzzles with my kids.  asher, my six year old, has been putting puzzles together since before he was even a year old.  now he is amazing at the puzzles that he can finish!  with each child i have taken some time, some amazing bonding time, to teach them the skills and strategies of completing a puzzle.  we talk about doing the edges first, then matching colors, shapes, the male to female sides, and all the different ways that they can use trial and error to find that one missing piece.

today i took some puzzle time with my four year old and two year old.  my four year old and i taught the younger one how to figure out which piece to try where and which side to try if one didn't work.  it once again reminded me about patience and perseverance. 

and since i cannot leave you without a Bible passage to meditate on, here is the well-known passage from romans 5:

we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 
and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;  
and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
for while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 

 we all want that kind of hope - the hope anchored in Him who laid down His life before we even loved Him.  let's persevere through whatever lay before us, even if it seems a task too big or too difficult, and practice patience in our pursuit of doing one small piece at a time.  we will see the other side and the other side is good, but along the way we will gain hope because in the step by step, piece by piece journey, we will realize that He is there with us all along.

charis

new every morning

i am exhausted.  what does this picture have to do with it?  nothing.  i just like it.  it is from dying eggs with my kids a couple weeks ago and i love the colors. 

tomorrow is a new day.  tomorrow i am officially in the home stretch of this pregnancy:  3rd trimester. 

there so much going on in my mind right now.  it could mean it is a good time for writing.  it could mean that i should get a bit more focused before i ramble in 30 different directions at once. 

i talked with my son last night after he had a hard day obeying and making good choices, and i assured him that tomorrow is a new day.  i told him how the mercies of God are new every morning, once again referencing the passage on hope that has grabbed my heart and refused to let go.

the Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. 
they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 
lamentations 3:22-23

so, whether today was a good day or a bad day, a day full of the awareness of the nearness of God or a day that He felt distant and the heart felt cold... tomorrow is a new day and He is so faithful.  He is our reason to hope.

charis

unless

this post is a continuation to my previous post fearless trust.  i would recommend reading it first.

i would have despaired unless i had believed
that i would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.   psalm 27:13

how much of my life is anchored in the belief in the goodness of God?  it is not only enough to believe He is good.  it is essential to believe that i will see this goodness in my life towards me. 

many of my latest posts have been about a central theme of hope.  besides going through the trials of pregnancy, i have been challenged in my faith in so many areas of my life in this past season.  i actually found out i was pregnant during one of the hardest weeks of my life.  it was a bright spot of hope in the midst of a swirl of confusion and temptation for fear.  for both of these reasons i haven't blogged as much as i would have liked.  sometimes when i am going through the dark night of the soul (and puking my brains out on top of it), it is very hard to articulate anything other than, "help me Jesus!"

i found this simple cry for help to be the meat of my recent prayers.  i would stand in the shower, feeling so weak both physically and emotionally that i would burst into tears and just say, "help me Jesus!"  sometimes that is the most powerful prayer that we can pray. 

trials in life can either drive us away from Him or drive us to Him.  there is so much in life we cannot control.  there is so much disappointment.  there are so many questions of, "why?"  there are so many things that i would much rather not walk through if it was up to me.  but i cannot control my circumstances.  what i can control is how i posture my heart.

do i harden my heart to protect myself?  or do i allow the pain of disappointment and the sting of fear to drive me to Him?  when all the world around me is shaken, it is only Him who doesn't change.  it is only Him who is left there constant and firm and unchanging. 

at the end of the day, the commitment to follow Christ is as simple as that:  following Him.  i can do so many things that are so good and beneficial, but they mean nothing if when things get tough i turn away from Him.  there are so many people who have every reason to despair - there are so many reasons for any of us to despair.  i love that one word in psalm 27:13:  unless.  unless any of us believe that He is not only good, but that we will see His goodness towards us in this lifetime... there is where our hope must lie.

is your current circumstance driving you away from Him or to Him?

i would love your comments and feedback.

i will leave you with a picture of my 22 week belly (more than halfway to the finish line!)

charis 

fearless trust

a while back i did an in depth study of my favorite psalm in the bible.  i was reading back over my notes the other night and it reawakened in me a hunger to practically know these truths to be realities in my own life. 

the psalm i love (you may already know for being a reader for a while) is psalm 27.  in a previous post i shared of how i named my 2nd son uriah from this psalm.  click here to read that story. 

if i could give psalm 27 any title i wanted i would title it a psalm of fearless trust in God.  i think this is such an important passage of scripture for my life because of my lifelong battle with fear and trusting God.  it seems like over and over again God brings me back to this issue to remove one more layer of the onion and get closer to the deep places of my heart that i carefully guard.  i gain one level of victory that gives me grace for the upcoming season, and then i need a deeper level for the next. 

i have faced in the past six months a lot of issues in my life that challenge my tendency towards fear and away from trusting the Lord.  i have shed many tears asking the Lord to not only change these circumstances, but also asking to awaken hope in me in the midst of them.  i am finding that hope isn't only about things someday getting better or circumstances someday changing.  the deep truth of hope is anchored in the belief that God can be trusted and His lovingkindness never fails and never ends.  of course we all would love for certain things in life to just be different.  sometimes there are so many things that need to change that the pressures are overwhelming.  yet the essence of fearless trust in Him is to be able to say that even if nothing ever changes, God isn't going to leave me alone to be completely consumed or drowned in my circumstances.  this is the essence of hope.  click here and here to read more about this kind of hope.

though i have lots of thoughts swirling around my head this morning about this subject, i am going to try to focus on just this one and save the others for a later post.  the last verse of psalm 27 says:

wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

i don't know about those of you reading, but i hate to wait.  i think one of the character traits the Lord has had to work on the most in my life is patience.  and yet, david's sums up his psalm in this final encouragement, "wait on the Lord." 

i looked up the word wait in the hebrew on blue letter bible and it is the word qavah.  qavah is not a passive waiting.  it is very active:

to wait, look for, hope, expect.  
waiting, to look eagerly for, to lie in wait for, to wait for, to linger
to collect, to bind together, to be collected

the lexicon describes this as:

1. to twist, to bind
2. to be strong, robust (binding fast, tying fast is applied to strength)
3. to expect, to await (enduring, remaining, which differs little from the notion of strength)
to expect Jehovah - His aid, to fix one's hope on Him

a couple of these really speak to me.  for one, hope, which is a common theme to this season in my life, shows up in these definitions.  to wait in this context means to hope.  i love how active this waiting and hoping is - it is expectant; it is eager; it is lingering.  when i think of linger, i think of taking that extra moment when all the distractions come crowding out the heart connection with God and just purposing to fix my eyes on Him. 

i love that this type of waiting is equated with strength.  it is like the twists of a rope that make it strong enough to test with lots of pressure.  it is enduring, remaining strong, and fixed.  it is to expect God to help.  this is powerful to me right where i am! 

so, just as He clothes the lilies of the field, that are here one day and gone tomorrow, He will also take care of you and me.  we can expect this of Him.  it is His very nature, and His lovingkindness towards us cannot fail or ever end.  so be strong.  take heart.  wait on the Lord.

charis

therefore i have hope

i was in the watch of the Lord prayer room this week, with no kids may i add because my wonderful husband kept them home so i could go spend time with the Lord by myself, and i had an urging to read the book of lamentations.  just the title of the book sounds depressing, right?  to lament is to grieve.  maybe that is why i have subconsciously avoided reading this book the past several years. 

the book of lamentations was mostly likely written by the prophet jeremiah during the fall of jerusalem in 586bc.  some of what was happening that was recorded is seemingly unbelievable, yet very true of the current state of the people in jerusalem.  it is amazing that in a book like this that accounts such a sad time in israel's history that i would find such encouragement.  this seems to be the way of the bible, and the way of the Lord.  in the darkest times the light shines the brightest.  in the midst of the opportunity for despair, there is the same opportunity for overwhelming hope. 

i was pleased to find that this following passage from lamentations was the inspiration for thomas chisholm when he wrote the words of the well known hymn great is thy faithfulness.  in the midst of great darkness and trials, the character of God shines forth brightly bringing hope and comfort.

though i usually quote the bible in the nasb version, i felt so connected to this passage when i read it in the niv, so here it will be such:

i remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. 
i well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  
yet this i call to mind and therefore i have hope:
because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. 
i say to myself, "the Lord is my portion; therefore i will wait for Him." 
the Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him;  
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
it is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.  
let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him. 
let him bury his face in the dust-- there may yet be hope.  
let him offer his cheek to one who would strike him, and let him be filled with disgrace. 
for men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love.
for He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. 
                                                                       lamentations 3:19-33

what a God we serve!  His steadfast character remains regardless of the circumstances around us.  so great is His faithfulness.  it is in Him we have hope.

charis

hope

tomorrow is the first thanksgiving for our family.  well, not exactly true.  we had one thanksgiving meal today in asher's kindergarten class with all the fixings.  we also had thanksgiving in october with my husband's family while his parents were in town visiting before moving back to guatemala after being in the states for the past 12 years.  so, i guess in a way, this is our third of four thanksgivings this year.

a family tradition around our parts, and i am sure around many of yours, is to share something we are thankful for.  there are many things that come to mind, but i would say that the one that jumps out and grabs me right now is how thankful i am for hope.  it doesn't matter how much may be going on in life, good, bad, or just busy, with hope it all is put into perspective.  hope isn't something that has always come easy for me.  sometimes it is quite the battle to hold on and not be afraid of disappointment.  but the apostle paul said in romans 5:3-5:

and not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

i do not always, (okay honestly pretty much never), like going through the tribulations of life, but i long for that hope that does not disappoint.   so though i have been going through it and at times it has been a struggle in both my heart and mind, i am thankful most of all for hope.

i want to leave you with my favorite verse of my favorite hymn of all times, great is Thy faithfulness.  my cousin leah mari valenzuela recently released a cd of all hymns called all i have needed with great is Thy faithfulness being the closer song and the title track.   i was privileged to be one of the many family members singing the background choir for her on my favorite hymn.  so, though i love all three verses, here is the one that always brings me to tears because it is my prayer and promise for which i am most thankful: hope.

pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide
strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
blessing all mine with ten thousand beside


great is Thy faithfulness, great is Thy faithfulness
morning by morning new mercies i see
all i have needed Thy hand hath provided
great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me

what are you thankful for this year?

charis

i believe

it has been a tough season for our family and we are right in the thick of it presently.  i once heard bob jones say, "when you are walking through hell, don't stop.  keep walking."  those words have come back to my mind several times over the past couple weeks.

no matter how big the darkness around us may seem, i believe the God we serve is so much bigger.  in Him we have hope, we have peace, and we have life.  we do not have to walk through the dark times alone because He promised to never leave us or forsake us. 

the Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall i fear?
the Lord is the stronghold of my life;
whom shall i be afraid?...
i would have despaired unless i had believed
that i would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
wait for the Lord;
be strong and let your heart take courage;
yes, wait for the Lord.
psalm 27:1, 13-14

i believe.

charis

an apologetic of sorts

i have been thinking for a while about writing here about what i write about here.  (poorly written sentence, but hopefully you track with me).  i know i have friends from all different seasons and parts of my life and not everyone shares the same faith in Jesus that is so central to my life.  i realize that many may not connect with the fact that so much of my writing has to do with things i feel God is teaching me about life and so much has to do with scriptures from the Bible.  so, since i know that everyone who comes to my blog may not share the same starting place in approaching what i write, i thought i would explain a bit.  think of this as my version of an apologetic in very non-academic language.

faith has an element of mystery to it.  as much as i may try to explain where i am coming from and the perspective from which i see life unfold, there is no denying that i have to surrender to an element of mystery to believe in God and in the saving power of Jesus.  so i know that i am not convincing anyone of anything that they do not choose to believe for themselves.  i am not here to argue or debate, just to give a little background for why i choose to believe and why i write so much about my faith in Jesus.

i was raised in a christian home, with my family largely either being from the fields of education or vocational ministry (ie. teachers and preachers).  i guess you could say i got a little bit of both of those fires in my bones.  even though i was very influenced by my parents and those influential in my life teaching me the truths of the Bible and the reality that relationship with the Creator God was possible and accessible for me, i had to still come to the place of decision for myself.  i chose to begin an active relationship with Jesus, who i believe to be the only Way to know and experience God, when i was very very young.  however, this decision was one i had to confirm over and over again when life circumstances would come and cause me to reassess what it was i would really believe and actively pursue for my life. 

this knowledge of God that i started pursuing was not only a knowing about God, but an experiential knowledge as well.  i have had circumstances, both as a child and an adult, of facing extreme battles with fear and having an angel from God show up in my room to melt all fear of calamity away.  i have heard the whispers of God on my heart both fully awake and while i sleep.  i have had a very active dream life where God has spoken to me about things in both symbolic and very literal ways, including showing me my niece havyn in a dream before she was born (and while i was still convinced she was a boy because we hadn't found out her gender yet).  i have seen visions of many things and had the Lord speak to me clearly regarding direction for my own life and specific things going on in the lives of others around me so that i could encourage them and pray for them.  i have both seen angels and smelled the malodorous demons with my natural senses.

all of these "spiritual" experiences have led me to an indescribable hunger and desire to know Jesus, the Creator and God of all things.  I have been awed at His wonders and amazed at His nearness in the very real humanity He has cloaked Himself in forever.  i believe He is the most proper noun that exists - the very God forever come to us in a form we would allow to draw close to us and teach us about the Uncreated Father and All-Consuming Fire.  i have fed myself in all extremes of circumstances, for the past 25 years of being literate, on the Word of God - the bible.  i quote it so much in my writings because it has become an anchor for me and such a source of wisdom and revelation.  my prayer life has become the first place i run when i face both the highs and lows of life.

more than anything else, the experience of real true forgiveness through Jesus for all of my sin, all of my shortcomings and failures and selfishness, from the only One who is perfect and without sin has completely changed my life.  i have so much hope.  i know that my salvation in a world so full of calamity and rumors of calamity isn't up to me.  i believe that God is always good, full of grace and mercy... slow to anger and abounding in love... yet absolutely righteous and just.  it is amazing that this good God who is perfect and holy, unlike anything else, would love me and want to know me personally and want to reveal Himself to me.  i am amazed that He sent His very Spirit, the Holy Spirit, to live inside of me because i chose to give my life to following Him.  i am never never alone.

i cannot help but want to share what i have been given because i really believe, not it an weird salesman way, that if someone experiences His love and kindness even in the worst moments they will feel the same way i do.  this is why i write so much about this relationship with God.  i am so forever changed and continually amazed that His love is not put off by even the worst version of me.   who could have ever imagined that in all of mankind's searching and stories of a hero that there really is One. 

so, i hope that even if you do not know Jesus in the way that i know Him, you will feel welcome to read this blog and take from my life experience.  if anyone ever has any more personal questions about my faith than you would like to post here as a comment, please contact me and i would love to talk.  this is so largely intertwined into who i am that it is what i think about, and what i end up writing about.  most of all, i want to be a vessel of His love that others, whether they have personally experienced Him or not, may know that there really is Hope and there really is a love that never fails.

thank you all so much for the ways you have blessed and enriched my life and journey, whether you realized it or not. 

charis

 

this i know

You have taken account of my wanderings;
put my tears in Your bottle.
are {they} not in Your book?
then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call;
this i know, that God is for me.
psalm 56

it is an amazing revelation to know that God cares for my broken heart. He is fully aware of my circumstances and He does not turn His eyes away. He is full of compassion and perfect love that is surpassed by none. even my tears He accounts for - the psalmist said that He put them in a bottle - they are accounted for in His book. i serve a God who is for me.

it is a simple revelation, but it is the foundation of our faith - that God desires relationship with us and cares for our brokenness. His care for us especially in the weak and broken places is what led Jesus to the cross - we are the joy set before Him. and while we were still His enemies, while i was still unaware of my need for Him, He died for me so that i could know this love that is unlike any other.

somehow setting my gaze towards this God who is for me and cares, really cares, makes all the problems, afflictions, or trials in life fade. they do not go away, but i am comforted in going to a God who cares for me rather than push away from Him in my heartache. He longs for relationship with us, and part of relationship is sharing our heartache, questions, disappointments, and failures with Him.

the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and a contrite heart,
O God, You will not despise.
psalm 51:17

so i choose to draw near rather than run away. You are good God, and Your love endures forever.

charis

life more abundant

as i laid in bed last night thinking about the proposed national health care plan and after looking myself over the actual literal wording of the bill, which reads very much like the fine print in any insurance plan almost purposely written so the layman can't understand much or will tire of reading it, i thought many of my readers have no context for my concern with the way people die. i know that i have readers of this blog from all different backgrounds, beliefs (both politically and religiously), and contexts of relationships with me. though i am really trying to become a more transparent and vulnerable person, i have not normally allowed people a window to look into the most personal places of my heart. here is an attempt to put my concerns about a national health care plan that legalizes euthanasia in context and share a little about my personal life journey.

i used to have a count of how many people i knew and how many people close to me had died. i have lost count in recent years, not because of a slow down in cases, but because i just got tired of counting. i would like to share a couple instances that may relate to euthanasia and my concern for the government being involved in end of life plans and a national health care system that decides the value of a person getting treatment in terms of dollars and cents.

the first story i want to share a bit with you happened when i was only 14 years old. i was at a new year's eve church youth group party when a family friend came and picked me up from the church to take me home telling me that my two teenage boy cousins had been in a car accident. i prayed the whole way home for them, knowing it was serious enough for him to come get me but not knowing any details. when i got home, but parents were not there but up at the hospital. my 12 year old brother and sister were there, and my 12 year old brother had decided he wanted to be the one to tell me that my 16 year old cousin was already dead. i was of course completely rocked in a way i don't want to get into detail about right now, but i was also told that my 14 year old cousin was on life support up at the hospital.

i spent the next 3 days up at the hospital almost 24/7 without sleeping, praying for my cousin to be healed and to come out of his coma. there was a roller coaster of emotions - doctors saying we should just pull the plug because he was brain dead, then tests coming back saying he was in fact not brain dead, bad reports on his vitals, increasingly good progress of improvement on his vitals, until at one point after so much improvement he decided to go be with his brother and Jesus and his life here on earth ended while still hooked up to machines. i can never quite explain how much this experience of losing my two close cousins affected me... i am still finding ways i never realized now 16 years later.

nine years later in the same month of january, i sat in my grandpa's room holding his hand and talking to him while he was in and out of a coma while he fought a terminal cancer with an inoperable tumor. i was 9 months pregnant and had spent most of my pregnancy over at his house with him both praying for healing and being with this man i admired and loved. before my first baby was born and before he passed away into the next life, i had him lay hands on my belly and bless my first born son. it still pains me that he died only 3 weeks before asher was born and was so close to being able to meet him and hold him. one of the biggest honors i have ever had, however, was to be with him the moment he died. you see, i was so impacted by his life, not just his life before finding out he had pancreatic cancer, but even by how he lived his life with this terrible disease and how he held his heart before the Lord so humbly and so full of faith up unto the moment he died. while he wasn't seeing the miracle in his own life, he would pray for and encourage others he knew struggling with different issues in their lives that we must choose to believe God at all costs. he was a man of God up unto the very point of death and led a life very worth living.

two and a half years later i sat in a hospital room, with my 2nd baby strapped to me in a sling, surrounded by my family as my other grandpa died from congestive heart failure. he battled it and the effects of it for the entire year proceeding his death, which happened to be my entire second pregnancy. he was in and out of the hospital receiving treatments that may or may not work, may or may not lengthen his life or improve his condition, but he received them and we were there with him every step of the way loving him and praying for his healing and health. once again, even though there was no way of me being in the hospital around the clock with two little boys, i was honored to be in the room the very moment my pop slipped into eternity with Jesus. it is the strangest thing to describe, but i remember the very song that was playing when he died... i had never heard it before that day but it spoke of heaven and the angels singing praises to God. it was an amazingly peaceful moment, though my heart ached that my pop would not see my kids grow up. my pop was an amazing man - a heart fully devoted to his family and he had so many times given to me in times of need, had spent many hours of prayer before the Father for me and my family, and had made countless sacrifices so that i could grow up in a family that he never had - one who knew and loved the Lord.

i hear the rhetoric from politicians and political commentators about death with dignity or quality of life. i would like to share that from my experience that part of life is how you die. life doesn't end the moment you are diagnosed with a terminal illness, whether you have supernatural healing in this life or not. quality of life does not end the moment you slip into a coma. dying from chosing, by your own choice or by a physician's, to not walk through the dark valleys of struggle is not dying with dignity. walking through life with your eyes fixed on Jesus no matter the circumstances around you and chosing to cling to hope regardless of what may be the present trouble - that is death with dignity. life is worth living and the way you die says a lot about the way you choose to live.

did any of the three stories i shared have someone who didn't deserve the chance to live the entirety of their life to the very end of their days? national health care, especially one with such broad openness to euthanasia says some lives are more worth living than others. that simply is not true. should a 35 year old get the treatment and not the 75 year old because we have a health care system that forces doctors to choose who they will treat? should someone in a government office be able to decide whether the plug is pulled on life support because they think it costs too much money and they deem the life not worth living? is not the last season of life as valuable as the first? it is easy to be allured by the idea of free health care, but the reality is that nothing is ever free. we will pay for it in one way or another and hopefully will not give over the choice of the viability of a life to the government in the meantime. some may think i am paranoid and extremist. that is fine. it does not bother me if you think so.

i have personal life experiences that affect how i view these questions and issues. i have friends walking through life and death struggles right now with diseases that modern medicine declares no hope for. just as i have been blessed to be with loved ones when they died, i have also been blessed to personally know and see some who were given no hope by modern medicine still alive today completely disease free because they were miraculously healed by God. i believe we do have hope. i believe in a God who both heals the sick and raises the dead, but also has redeemed even death when He laid down His life for us. death where is your sting? grave where is your victory? He came to bring us life, and life more abundant. every life is worth living from the very first moment until the last.

charis

if

if My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 2 chronicles 7:14

why would the people of God need to humble ourselves? why do we need to pray? if our sins are already paid for in full by the blood of Jesus, why should we still repent? what does it mean to seek His face? this passage is the key for the one thing the church talks the most about and sees the littlest of - revival. it is a call to relationship. it is a call to a time when the presence of the Lord will come and never again leave, not even for a moment. i heard two amazing sermons sunday out of what i consider to be two of the most influential churches in the nation, ihop in kansas city and bethel in redding, and both were on this passage in the Bible. i do not think it was an accident at all.


God isn't meant to be a part or my life or an addition to my life. He is my life. in a relationship, there are things that we sacrifice in order to make time to pursue the deepening of the relationship. when i was dating bill, i was working in the days, taking teaching credentialing classes at night, doing homework somewhere in between, and i was exhausted. yet, i was in love with this man and i made sacrifices of time to be with him. it didn't feel like a sacrifice for what i was getting in return. there is so much to know of God, so much beyond what we could ever know of another person, that the knowledge of Him is inexhaustible. just like in any relationship we desire to pursue growth in, we must exchange the things that gave us pleasure at one time in order to get pleasure that is so much sweeter. it seems pretty silly that i would rather spend time watching a tv show or eating chocolate than with my husband who wants to be with me and loves me more than anyone else i know, but that is exactly what we all do when it comes to the Lord. i have even been known to find things i don't enjoy doing, like laundry, cleaning, paying bills, and even cutting my toe nails, to avoid spending time with the One who loves me more than any man possibly could. how crazy does it sound even though we all know we do it!

humanism. i will write more on this another time, but let me just say that it is more dangerous to the reality of knowing the Lord than any of the major religions of the world. the basis of humanism is simply living for myself and my desires first. the deep root of it, that no one would probably admit they believe about themselves, though they live like it, is the belief that man is God. the world revolves around us, the point of life is to satisfy all our desires and cravings, and even God lives only to please our wants and needs. what a sneaky lie that has not only convinced so many that they have no need for God, but has even lulled those of us who love Him to sleep instead of really pursuing knowing Him. it is so difficult to guard ourselves against it when it permeates most of our entertainment and life all around us. i believe this is the major roadblock to revival. this is what the people of God need to repent from in order to be able to really seek His face like 2 chronicles describes.

what is revival? is it many people who have never known God coming to experience Him, encounter Him, and follow Him? is it healings and miracles? signs and wonders? i believe these above things really do accompany true revival, but the word revival can only apply to bringing life to something that once had life and doesn't any more. i believe this word revival is really about awakening the hearts of believers that have been lulled to sleep by the cares and lusts of this world, humanism, and reviving that fiery passion for God that is willing to lay aside anything, even the neutral or good things of this life, to make the time to really know Him and experience Him. when the world sees a people who would give up anything to experience more of this God and His love, they will come to taste and see that God is good. who is this that is so amazing that He makes the pleasures of this life not worth the time they take? when we are letting go of all the other legitimate pleasures because of the single focus of obtaining more of Him, He will release such a power that has never been seen before, signs and wonders like in the days of moses, and that will get the attention of those who didn't think they needed a relationship with God. then there will be the ultimate fulfilment of the greater works than these promise because we will be made into a people that look just like His Son.

seriously i know it is offensive when it pushed the buttons of our own favorite pleasures, but we spend more time, and by we i am including myself, in front of the tv watching entertainment, surfing the internet and checking our facebook accounts, eating food, socializing and networking, and so many other things that are even considered very godly things like pursuing careers, developing our talents, ministering for God, than pursuing the Lord Himself. we dull the ache in our hearts that would push us into Him with all this other stuff and we quiet the voice of the Holy Spirit which says, "seek my face, seek His face..." i alone know how many times i have felt the pull inside to spend time seeking the Lord, reading the Word, praying, worshipping and how many times i have turned to something easier that never really brought the fulfillment i was wanting. so many times! even as this is burning in my heart, i know that i will do it again this week! it pushes my buttons too.

are all these other things really worth it? i am not talking about sin lifestyles, though it is sad that many in the church are not willing to give those up either, but about just the things that take up so much time and energy. is this what He has given us freedom for? do we have freedom so we can pursue the pleasures of this world that never really satisfy, but leave a dull empty feeling when it is all said and done? i hear so much talk about the freedom we have as believers and i believe in this freedom. i know without this freedom the Lord gives i would not even be alive today. what i often question is why did He give us this freedom and what do we do with it?

i have the same temptations as everyone else, and i know how painful it is when i decide to spend my time and energies seeking the Lord rather than i usually do just trying to entertain myself. feeling the ache inside of not being entertained and seeking Him instead is the whole reason for a regular lifestyle of fasting and fasting in secret. let me suggest that we are not grouchy when we fast because we are hungry. we are grouchy because of the ache inside that we finally allow ourselves to feel for just a moment. the ache was always there, we just dulled it with other pleasures... many times very legitimate pleasures that were put here by God for us to enjoy. however, there is the invitation to have a greater pleasure in Him and that is where we have to decide if experiencing the pain of changing the way we spend our time is worth the reward of knowing Him deeper than we could have ever known any other way.

this is what He gave us freedom for - so we could have the ability to choose Him first when there are so many other options that are legitimate and many times even put there by Him. all the way back in the garden of eden He put the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, never intending for man to partake in it. it was always meant to be our choice. He will not make us love Him or choose Him. i want so badly to see a move of God like i have never seen but always longed for to come to, not only the world but to the country i live in. we so badly need a move of God now unlike ever before. so many people i know and i care about do not see their need for God. so often we have turned to politicians to fix our problems and blame everyone around us except ourselves for the state of our lives. we blame "the world," instead of looking at ourselves.

He is longing for us to come to Him to fix our problems. He is waiting for us to desire growing in humility like His Son. He longs for us to turn to Him and learn how to pray. He is the good Father who longs to unleash His love on us if we would just turn to Him in repentance and say we need Him. He is calling for us to seek His face so that we may find Him and know Him and experience His love. He is a good God who cares for us and will forgive us when we come to Him and He desires to heal our land. revival is His plan and His desire. it is our choice when.

charis