ramblings on education and my sweet baby girl

i have been so quiet around these parts that i am sure you can hear the crickets chirp.

life hasn't been quite so quiet in my off screen life however.

we just wrapped up our 2nd year homeschooling. there are so many wonderful things we have experienced in our homeschooling adventures. there are also many things that make me know that no one schooling approach is without its hardships and flaws. no one approach is for everyone or for every season.

our family prays about what school is going to look like every year. we don't have a mandate or direction from the Lord that we feel convinced is the one way we will go the whole way through school. it is interesting because it makes me feel a little awkward as a mom because i don't fit into either of the schooling (or any, as there seems to be even more than the main 2) camps. i totally see the benefits and shortfalls of the classroom education. i also totally see the benefits and the shortfalls of the home education. neither are perfect, and so often i find people, women in general, want me to take a hard fast line saying i am a 'believer' in one of the other. we seem to feel validated in our choices when we form a club around the way we do things.

i just am not a part of a club.

i have taught in the public education system, and i actually had a wonderful experience. i think there are really good teachers out there, really good schools, and a really good education and experience to be found. i still serve on the school board of a private christian school in town, and my kids attended there for 5 years. i have had a wonderful experience there and miss many of the benefits that school had to offer. i have homeschooled 3 kids one year, 4 the next, with little ones in tow and pregnant... i have had great experiences and some that still leave me unsatisfied. we have been a part of a co-op and i have been the lead teacher of many of those classes - again, benefit and difficulties.

i am personally the product of secular schooling through graduation from high school, both private and public education, and had wonderful and hard experiences. for me the good greatly outweighed the bad, and i wouldn't trade my experience for all the world. i went to a christian university (actually 2!). amazing and difficulty intermingled.

all this rambling is to say, i am probably always going to be a bit of a loner in my hesitation to jump on the bandwagon of homeschool or bust or the club of classroom or bust. i will always be someone who can see both sides. i will probably always feel a bit like i don't belong because i am not as sold out on most ideas or ways of doing things, especially education, as many of my friends and acquaintances. it really is a lonely place to be in.

but maybe just writing this and putting it out there will make one of you dear readers feel like you aren't alone if you feel like you also don't fit into either camp. i love the way God leads our family, even though sometimes it is stressful to not be sure what we are doing the next fall when everyone is asking for a commitment to plan like 6 months in advance. but He is always faithful and has always led us. i know He will continue to. i know that the way we do school may change from one year to the next, even from one kid to the next. i am okay with that.

one beautiful part of homeschooling this year has been having all the boys home with their little sister for her 1st year. this little one has been our absolute delight and icing on the top of our 5 layer chocolate cake. i love that they have had this special time with her... that she has had that special time with them. for me, i feel like i haven't had as much special time with her and my littler ones as i did with the older ones simply because i have to teach the olders so much. i know that God fills in those gaps for them, but i think it makes it feel like it goes by that much quicker if i can be perfectly honest. i am not ready for my littles to grow all the way up.

the beads are from her brothers for her 1st birthday gift. you better believe she knew exactly what to do with them. our teeny tiny sugar, not even 19 lbs yet at a year old. such a little love. my 3 year old was just telling our neighbor who came to the door to chat this morning, "see our baby girl? see our girl? do you see her? our baby girl?" it is as if all our hearts have had parts unlocked by her that we didn't realize were even there.

life is full. life is sweet. and, as everyone knows of their own life, the sweet is laced with painful. life is just that way. but, i do believe that the more acquainted we are with the depths of pain, the more the sweetness of life is just that... sweet and full of joy. i have to remind myself in the midst of the busy busy life of 6 kiddos to stop and look at these ordinary moments and soak in the delight... to take those mental photographs that will be etched onto my memories forever.

i guess this is just a rambling of my thoughts. what are your thoughts on education and life decisions? do you have a clear word from the Lord that is steering your direction consistently over a long stretch of time? do you come fresh to Him each year to find the directives for that year? do you see life from as many complicated angles as i do? i think it helps me relate to people... but it makes it hard to feel like i ever fully belong because i always see the other side. i would love to hear from anyone who has still hung around this long while i haven't been writing much. love you to all!

charis

even the one

i know of a man who recently went to be with the Lord. about a year before his death, his wife had a dream that when he entered heaven he was greeted by the many many people that he shared the gospel with and led to the Lord. what a beautiful welcome into glory! can you even imagine seeing people in the presence of the Lord who you spent time praying for, sharing with, and discipling? a reward like that makes a life seem so worth all the hardship and sacrifice that surely came with it.

i lay in bed one night after hearing this story so moved by the life of this man who lived his life for the gospel, and reflected on the simple unimpressive life that i lead. my heart envied the life this man lived - a good righteous life that influenced others to walk with Jesus. i thought about my days - so routine, so monotonous, and without much reach or influence. laying there in bed i asked the Lord, "when i get to the end of my life, who will i have i even led to You?"

a sadness filled my heart - not the kind of sadness that is akin to self-pity, but the sadness of a child who wants to be pleasing to her Father and yet feels as if she has so little to show for her efforts. i am reminded of the apostle paul who said that the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. i just felt small and weak. my desire to live a life like this man was definitely there - but i wondered where was the opportunity to be faithful as he had been.

then i heard it as clear as if you were speaking to me, and yet it was that still small Voice that one can only hear with her inside ears:

"you are leading your kids to Me."

the anxious thoughts left. the burden of shame at the smallness of my days lifted. it was enough. the Holy Spirit reminded me that if i am faithful with the assignment that lays before me, it would be counted as righteous and the joy of His reward would be sweet.

i have thought back to that moment several times the past couple weeks. so often we envy others whose ministry and reach look big to us. these men and women are being faithful to what the Lord has laid before them, and He will reward their faithfulness. but the size of the ministry He has given us does not determine the eternal significance of His calling on our lives to lead those in our influence to Him. mother teresa said,  

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."

i am not sure what the assignment is that the Lord has put before you. it may be so large that you feel small and unable to do what He has asked. it may look so small in the eyes of man that you wonder if it will have meaning in the end.

all i can tell you is this - He will give you opportunity to share the gospel with the one who is before you and encourage that one to live a life faithful in following our Savior, and leading even the one to following Him will have great reward for all eternity. we all have people in our lives whose eternity may be affected by our faithful witness of Jesus. He sees what men do not see. this you can count on.

charis

late night musings

i have had several really good blog posts swirling around my head over the past month or so, only to not get a chance to sit down at the computer and type them out. aw... thus is the life of having 6 kids. no time when i am inspired, and no inspiration on the chance i have a few minutes of time.

kids have changed me.

one kid? not so much. i brought him around everywhere with me, still doing pretty much what i did.

two kids? well, that hit me like a freight train, but slowly i pulled out of the wreckage and tried to piece back together a semblance of who i thought myself to formerly be. did i ever fully recover? the world, or i for that matter, may never know.

three kids? well, somehow i had the grace of God to step into a new season of me. former dreams that had been put way up high on the back shelf to collect dust were pulled back down, and i rediscovered a bit of me that i had forgotten. i found a new confidence and settled into myself. i discovered new parts i didn't know were there.

four kids? i entered into a letting go. be it for a short time or forever, i felt my hands release what i had tried to hold tight to.

five kids? my hands became so full, my heart even moreso, that i didn't have room for anything else. did i mean i didn't value other parts of me? no. i just realized that to be present with all i had, something had to give.

six kids? my life before is a fuzzy distant memory that only sometimes i get a small glimpse of, maybe in a dream in the night or being tagged in an old pic on facebook, and nostalgia and sentimentality come for a visit over a cup of tea late at night. then i wake up in the morning wishing i had gone to bed a bit earlier because of all i have to do on much too little sleep.

what is the point of this rambling? i went to a movie tonight that was a film version of a musical i was in during my college days. i felt a foggy memory of a person i was long ago, who i am pretty sure is in there somewhere. the memories triggered were happy ones. i smiled, i remembered, i looked up people on facebook that i haven't spoken to in years. i also sat and wondered who of my current friends and acquaintances know i was in theatre in a "previous life." who knows the parts of me that seem so hidden that i sometimes forget they are there? so much has changed. so much life lived, the road coming to forks where i had to make a choice, and other times taking a detour not of my own choosing.

but even in my musings and remembering, i don't regret taking the road i chose, and making the choices i did that have led me so far from those days. i may not have chosen detours that are now a part of my history, but even those have shaped me, grown me, matured me.

i love my life now. do i wish at times i could have parts of my past while living in my present? perhaps. but perhaps not. so much has happened since those times, and so much of it is all jumbled up in the mess of yarn that makes up who i am today. beautiful times. painful times. times i smile upon. times i would rather forget. and yet, none of it is in vain. somehow the Lord will take this tangled yarn and make a beautiful piece of art, and it will all count.

so as i go to sleep tonight i will remember and i will thank the Lord for the sum of the times He has given me, all the times that lie ahead, many or few, and whoever He is weaving me together to be. His plans are good. His ways are high. as i plunge ahead into a new year, i choose to trust, to love, to be present, and to give thanks for all i have rather than long for what i don't.

charis

advent

this year we are trying a new thing as a family and celebrating advent with candles and all. now, we don't have a wreath, but we have pretty homemade candles the boys made me last year for christmas, and we light them as we are going through a family advent plan once a week leading up to christmas eve.

i have done advent bible reading plans for each day of december in the past, and got a lot out of it centering my heart on Jesus during a time that could either be full of worship for His coming and anticipation of His second coming or full of stress and pressure. this year i wanted to do something that involved the kids in centering our hearts as a family.

advent simply means coming or waiting. we celebrate Jesus' first coming. we wait for Jesus' second coming. if christmas becomes about gifts, or traditions, or stuff (either in the having or the lack), we have really missed the point.

with all that i have been through this past year, i wait and eagerly anticipate His second coming more than ever. this is not escapism. this is what Jesus told the apostles to preach to all the world - that there is forgiveness for sin with repentance, and to have faith in the day when He will come again and make all things right. so, i set my gaze and my hopes this christmas on true hope - His return.

bless you and your family this season!

oh come, oh come Emmanuel!

charis

a couple thoughts for a monday morning

do not call conspiracy
everything that these people call
conspiracy;
do not fear what they fear,
and do not dread it.
the Lord Almighty is the One you are to regard as holy,
He is the One you are to fear,
He is the One you are to dread,
and He will be a sanctuary...
isaiah 8:12-14

here are a short couple thoughts for a monday morning. mondays are the mornings when i work on our family finances. i never planned on being the finance person in our family... it just worked out that way. if i had the choice, i would be completely ignorant of our finances and not have to continually be faced with how much we need God to move in our lives in this very practical way. but, God had a different plan than mine. as i have said in the past, i am on a journey to learn how to live by faith and not fear in regard to money.

finances are a really small thing in the grand scheme of what we have opportunity to dread and fear. there is so much that clamors for our mental and heart energy. so many things are saying, "look over here! fear me! panic! grasp for control of your life! i am worth your attention!" but no matter what we are facing, even if it is death itself, we do not have to fear what is before us. that is the way of those who don't know Him.

we are to fear the Lord Almighty alone. He is the One we are to fear. He is the One we are to dread. why? because our entire life now and for all eternity is in His hands, and it is His mercy we need to find life. these trials now are a drop in the bucket compared to an eternity with or without Him. no man holds my ultimate destiny - not even if they could make my life here really miserable or even kill me. only God is in ultimate control, and no man, disease, calamity, or type of lack can snatch us from His hand.

He will be a place of safety to those who trust in Him.

i know that i need this place of safety. i am sure that you are needing it too. let us once again let go of fear of anything else but Him and find that rest and safe place in the only One who is deserving of our fear and attention.


still counting gifts to 1000...

892 - 914:

892. beautiful weather.

893. being the featured blog here.

894. You can quiet my noisy thoughts.

895. my husband who really is a very involved dad. i couldn't do this 5 kid thing without him.

896. lots of opportunities to swim this summer with the kids.

897. having the kids around more with school out.

898. homemade strawberry chocolate chip ice cream.

899. selling lots of stuff as i clean out the house and simplify.

900. fresh summer produce.

901. so many friends having babies right now!

902. God doesn't measure my success the way i try to measure my success.

903. learning this imperfect parenting thing and meeting the mercy of God along the way.

904. picking blackberries and making jam.

905. creative ideas in the kitchen.

906. running a couple miles at a time... alone.

907. finding a letter from my dad to me when i was born in his office - reading it in his own handwriting and hearing his voice speak to me in my head. a true gift from heaven.

908. heaven is for real.

909. lots of time in the prayer room with our kids on these summer mornings.

910. tomatoes ripening in my very small garden this year.

911. living by truly breath-taking beautiful lakes.

912. new contacts after wearing my glasses that don't fit right for a week straight. so thankful to be able to see even out of the corner of my eye.

913. several days this june that it is cool enough to use my oven! fresh baked cookies...

914. turning off the a/c in june! unheard of... yay for open windows and lower temperatures.


i am linked up at a holy experience.



if you haven't liked this facebook page, you can in the upper right of this post.  you can also follow this blog or subscribe in a reader.  i would love to keep in better touch with you! 

please leave a link to your list of gifts in the comments and i will come visit your blog as well!  i love to give thanks together.


charis

for the times when you feel like you've really blown it

we were sitting in the car driving back from a lovely summer afternoon at the lake. i gazed out the car window at the rolling hills, lush evergreens, and aqua skies that where sprinkled with fluffy white clouds. my heart pounded and i opened my mouth in a confession, looking out of the corner of my eye at my husband who was driving, "so...iI lost it with the kids this morning. again. and it was all over a lost library book. it's not how i wanted the morning to go."

my eyes looked down at my sandy tanned toes as my heart felt like a ton of bricks filled with a bit of shame and a lot of regret. "when am i ever going to get victory in this area? when am i going to stop having outburst of anger at my kids? i just want to be a good mom... 

click here to read the rest as i share over at 5 minutes for faith about a place of brokenness in my own life. i hope it can encourage you in your own areas of brokenness.

charis

a confession

want to know a little confession? i personally avoid reading one of the all-time favorite books of the bible.

romans.

i have this inside rebel who doesn't want the commentary in my head of every sermon i have ever heard, coming at the same verse from various differing, often opposing angles, to crowd out the simple understanding of what is written. so i just avoid reading those books of the bible that are widely preached on.

i know. silly. 

well, i just finished up a 5 month study of the gospels and i felt the Holy Spirit urging me, romans. i tried to ignore it. at the same time i felt this fascination and deeper appreciate of the grace by which we are saved. i have been very aware that there is deep brokenness in me that can never earn my way into salvation, no matter how hard i might try. i had to face the facts - i needed a fresh reading of romans and to ask the Holy Spirit to speak to me through it louder than all the other voices in my head.

so here i am, reading romans and going against my inner rebel.

can i tell you that it is encouraging me so much? how could reading about abraham's faith not be encouraging? for "in hope against hope he believed..." and he was "fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform."

now i don't know what that does to your soul, but it bring mine to life! i have read the accounts of abraham in genesis, and this guy seemed to doubt the promises of God. this man cowered to the fear of death, giving his own wife to another man in some effort to save his life. he tried to make God's promise happen through the only way it made sense to him. he lied. he compromised. he made a big mess that caused conflict in the relationships around him.

and yet, God saw that glimmer of faith inside of him, He saw the desire to believe and obey - that only could be there if God Himself put it there - and He said, well done my son.

though we desire to obey God and really walk the way Jesus walked, not loving our lives unto death, we will mess up. we will lie. we will compromise. we will make big messes. but God sees down into our deepest parts to the desire He put in us to believe against all hope that He would be faithful and see us through this mess. He sees this desire deep inside to believe that God is good and is who He says He is, even when it is dark and cloudy and it is hard to make sense of how He will fulfill His word to us. God sees and He credits our faith - our trust - in Him as righteousness.

...and He is pleased with us.
 
as much as i desire to walk in holiness and devotion to Jesus, may i never put my hope in something i am able to give Him. may i only put my hope in the One who gave everything for me. may i come out on the other side of this mess leaning on my Beloved One.

it is because of my mess ups and failures that i believe. it is because all the sums of my worst days doesn't disqualify me for His kingdom, and He is able to take this broken imperfect person and make me into someone He wants to spend forever with. it is because He alone is faithful, even when i try to be faithful and fail again and again, i believe.

how about you? are there books of the bible you often avoid (or am i the only rebel in the bunch!)? 

are you aware lately of your own struggle and weakness to follow Jesus rightly?

charis

the greatest lesson

i was asked to be a part of a series over at 5 minutes for faith about lessons i learned from my mother. not everyone is a mom who is a reader of this blog (and some are not even women), but every one of us has a mom.

i feel so blessed by the way i have witnessed my mom live her life. please come visit me at 5 minutes for faith to read the greatest lesson i have learned from my mom.

would you consider leaving a comment there letting me know you dropped by? we also are giving away an 8 by 10 print of this beautiful painting "growing in love" by my dear friend gina of silverlakesound! details are at the end of my post on how to win it! 

see you over there in the comments! click here!

charis

my dearest hosea

my dearest hosea,

today you are one year old. i can't believe my baby boy is already growing up! you are my grace baby... number 5. God gave me the best pregnancy with you, following the worst pregnancy with your brother, and although it wasn't a perfect blissful ride, it was doable. for that i am thankful.

but you were late in coming out. you decided to make your mama wait to meet you! i joked at the time that you were waiting for a name because we didn't even decide on your name until the night of your due date... and you were born 5 days later. the funny thing is, your name wasn't even in our top considerations - it just suddenly felt right that night when your daddy and i were out to dinner and talking about all God was doing with us and teaching us and who we thought you would be... and suddenly we knew that it was who you are.

hosea justus. "salvation." the original name of joshua and then of Jesus, our Messiah who is our promised salvation. the saving Grace that we need so badly. justus... the greek name for justice. and there is just something about the prophet hosea and his demonstration of the undeserved unrelenting love of God... well, now i know how much it fits you and how much i need that constant reminder of His unrelenting love.

your labor and delivery were different than all my others. for one, God decided, for reasons i still don't quite understand, that the perfect time for you to come was during one of my darkest hours. such intense grief and threatening fear, and yet such a thick presence of God that i cannot quite put into words. He met me and carried me through when i didn't think i could do it. He heard my cry and didn't leave me alone.

i am so thankful, my little boy, for your life. you fit our family so well. you are so playful and full of sugar and sweetness and joy. you have the most gentle dove eyes - a lot like how i imagine Jesus' eyes to be (besides the crystal blue color). so much innocence and peace and gentleness in those eyes of yours.

your first year was one of the hardest of my life, but it was your first year. and i just want you to know how much i love you with all of my heart - how thankful i am for you filling my tears with smiles. you are such a good baby and you are my baby.

happy birthday my special little boy. i love you more than my fumbling broken words can describe on a page.

charis

let us not forget

it is this time of year that my heart is drawn once again to meditate on the advent.

did you know that advent simply means "coming?" it is a time of expectant waiting and preparation. 

oh how i feel it!  my heart is being drawn to think on His coming - God made flesh who dwelt among us - and to prepare and wait in eager anticipation His coming again. 

this time of year i am back in the gospels. i want to fill my thoughts with the very realness of Jesus walking on this dust, being made of the dust just like us. i want my heart to really believe that He came. 

He came. 

Immanuel - God with us - He came. 

do you know what that means that God dressed Himself in this broken humanity that we live in every. single. day. to show us what He is like? does this bring tears to your eyes like it does to mine?  the Almighty God who is the very Creator of everything that exists - the very One who will judge all that has breath, and has every right to do so - humbled Himself to the very lowest place and dwelt among us (phil 2). 

He came. He really did what seems so impossible to my logical thinking mind. 

oh how that makes my heart ache. 

you see, i live in such very real brokenness. just like you. so often my heart wants to rise up in accusation against my very God that He is somehow indifferent to my pain. my heartache. my disappointments. 

so often i resist shaking my fist in the air asking, "do you even see me here? do you even care?"

and the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, the glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth.  john 1:14

and He does see. He cares. He came. Immanuel. He drew near.

yay Lord! we greet Thee,
born this happy morning,
o Jesus! to Thee be all glory given.
Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing;
o come, let us adore Him,
o come, let us adore Him,
o come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord.

and He knows. He really knows our sorrow and our brokenness and our grief. and He holds all our tears in a bottle (ps 56:8). He must have a big bottle for mine.

He catches each.
                       one.
                          as.
                             it.
                               falls.
                                   down. like. rain. 
when our pain becomes too much to bear, He does not look away

                                       ...even when in our own weakness, we look away.

He was despised and forsaken of men, 
a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; 
and like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, 
and we did not esteem Him. isaiah 53:3

and i cannot tell you, in the very middle of this broken life i live, how this time of advent becomes so real and alive to me. this is the thrill of hope - that He will not leave us as orphans (john 14:18). 

and i long, more than ever before, for His second advent - with expectant waiting i prepare for His coming.

my Immanuel.

He will make the wrong things right. and there are so. many. wrong. things.

too many wrong things.

o come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
our spirits by Thine advent here
disperse the gloomy clouds of night
and death's dark shadows put to flight.
rejoice! rejoice! Immanuel
shall come to thee, o israel.

we can dare to put our hope in Him. this time of year isn't about gifts. it isn't about traditions. it isn't even about family. it is about Him - it is about His coming that was and His coming that will be.

o come to us, 
abide with us,
our Lord Immanuel.

oh let us not forget.

charis

how's the fruit?

we were running late.  the baby was screaming though his diaper was clean and he was freshly nursed, shoelaces were needing to be tied, one child was still in the shower, dinner plates were strewn all over the kitchen with some still on the table, and my hair still up in the disheveled knot on the top of my head that had kept it out of my face during the early morning garage sale we held and the 2 soccer games we played in (well, i cheered at) immediately after.  one child yelled from the other room how he couldn’t find the matching shoe, another was digging in the basket of clean clothes that had sat in the living room corner all week trying to find socks, while one more ignored every effort to insist he get ready quickly.  and the phone kept incessantly ringing.

it was then, in the midst of the mounting pressure and decibel level in my house, that i completely lost it.  yes, i opened my mouth...

i am sharing today at 5 minutes for faith about my struggle with my words.  i would love for you to stop by!

charis

to finish the race strong

seeing as though my 3rd son had his jog-a-thon today, today's 5 minute writing prompt was perfect! 

word for the day:  race

start.

someone once said to run the race as though to win the prize.

being a runner, this resounds with me deeply. 

as excited as i may be about the idea of running, many times i don't feel like running when i start out.  it takes a good half mile or so to get into a rhythm of feet hitting hard the ground below.  i have a goal in mind, and whether i feel like it or not, i am determined to achieve that goal.

i am determined to finish the race strong.

there is a crown waiting for me.  much like the gold medal hanging around his neck.  if i can keep in view the well done at the end, the crown of glory that never fades away, the warm welcome into His kingdom where there will never again be sorrow or this sometimes debilitating pain of this age... keep my eye on the prize set before me.

He endure for the prize set before Him - He walked the lonely road to calvary where He gave it all. 

i endure for the prize set before me - i can see Him waiting at the finish line, cheering me on, and holding the prize that He has set aside

just. for. me.

and so i push through.  i press on.  i take those next few steps, the leaps, the bounds into the sometimes unknown so that i can finish this race knowing that i gave it my all and ran with everything within me. 

those who have gone before me stand on the sidelines cheering me on.

stop.

if you want to join in, the instructions are below.



5 minute friday rules:
1. write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. link back here and invite others to join in.
3. please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them.

if you write a 5 minute friday, let me know -  i would love to visit your blog and read what comes spilling out when writing against the clock!  


charis

you're welcome

word for the day:  welcome

start.

"thank you."

"you're welcome."

i say it so automatically, almost like i am listening to a recording of my own voice.  how often do i stop to think about what it means?

you. are. welcome.

you are invited into my life.  you are free to come close.  i am open to your being near.

we so often place welcome mats on the doorways to our homes, but when things are messy, life is messy, we shut our hearts and shut our doors.

we may leave the appearance of the invitation to community - communion with others - but withdraw in shame and fear into seclusion.

slow it down.  allow yourself to hear, and really believe, the words that you are saying.

"thank you."

you. are. welcome.

you might make me mighty uncomfortable and i don't really want you to see all my mess and really know all of who i am because it may be more than you can handle at times, but

you. are. welcome.

stop.

if you want to join in, the instructions are below.



5 minute friday rules:
1. write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. link back here and invite others to join in.
3. please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them.

if you write a 5 minute friday, let me know.  i would love to visit your blog and read your heart.


charis

what i have learned having 5 kids...

life lessons from having 5 kids

 photo by myriah grubbs photography

1. life goes so quickly... don't wish this season away for the next.

2. poopy diapers are what they are and aren't the end of the world.

3. there is beauty or frustration in every moment - i get to choose which i focus on.

4. i am a better mama, a better wife, a better friend, a better human being if i get a few minutes in the Word each day.

5. the smiles and sweet sounds of a baby can wash away the fears, frustrations, and failures of the day.

6. somehow God always provides enough even when it doesn't make sense on paper.

7. noisy is relative.

8. quiet is also relative.

9. the reaction to the statement "i have 5 boys" will never get old.

10. once i hit 5 kids, strangers have no filter on the questions they ask about personal life.

11. people think i am some sort of hero or crazy woman to have 5 kids, but really i am just the same girl inside i always have been... and not that different than any other woman i know.

12. prayer is the most important key to every day... and a prayer-less day usually is a disaster.

13. God speaks constantly through the mouth of babes if i have ears to hear.

14. it is much harder to cook enough to have leftovers than it ever seems in the moment.

15. the desire to have no regrets will drive me to do or say crazy things that don't fit my "personality."

16. real friends are hard to come by and should be cherished and valued.

17. saying "i love you" sometimes can get more mileage than long talks that may waste words and time.

18. i love my parents more and more as i stumble along this parenting journey - thank you daddy and mama for the risks you took and the mistakes you made and the love you poured out because i have courage to do the same because of all you gave.

19. you don't have to be a perfect parent to be a darn good one.

20. the most important gift to give a child is an example of a real relationship with God. 

21. the second is a loving, though imperfect, committed marriage.

22. both relationship with God and with a spouse take work, time, and energy.

23. forgiveness is the most important lesson i can teach my kids and learn myself.

24. listen more.  talk less.

25. apologize often.  humbling myself will never go out of style.

still counting gifts to 1000...

769 - 786:

769. oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

770. soccer practices.

771. time to work on the much neglected house work.

772. feeling the connection with my boys' hearts.

773. grace to let down my guard and break down the walls.

774. the constant opportunity to bear my cross in relationships around me.

775. the humbling effect of the cross, even when i despise it.

776. that it is by grace i am saved, for i sure can't seem to do it right.

777. the tenderness of the Lord when i feel pretty small.

778. as far as the east is from the west, that's how far He has removed our transgressions from us.

779. starting to run again!

780. the evidence of the Holy Spirit's activity in my life on the occasions i am actually able to keep my mouth shut.

781. a praying grandma.

782. beauty all around me.

783. the amazing revelations on God and life that spill out of my 4 year old's mouth.

784. worship times on friday nights.

785. the frequent reminders to stay here in the moment, to be present, to soak in the now of my children and my life because it won't be the same tomorrow.

786. knitting... the moments here and there i can pick up where i left off and knit.

i am linked up at a holy experience.



if you haven't liked this facebook page, you can in the upper right of this post.  i would love to keep in better touch with you!

charis

it's time to get really really real

it's time to get really really real right now.  buckle your seat belts.

i am acutely aware right now of my own humanity.  frailty.  brokenness.

a friend told me to listen to one of my favorite songs tonight while reading her blog and i encourage you to do the same reading mine. 

things have been happening.  nothing extremely devastating.  oh believe me i have had those times.  everything, however, has been somewhat life altering. 

and i have had this stress, this anxiety, in my shoulders like a burden across my back that i had to carry.  the weight of the world, if you will.  my little world.

i am no super mom.  having 5 kids is hard.  it is exhausting.

- having 1 kid is exhausting.  let's all be honest about that one. - 

but i am exhausted... near tears and yet too tired to cry.  it isn't the kids who are wearing on me.  sure they have their own rough moments.  it is just all this tiredness and the little things that happen on top of it.

for example...

 a chicken falling over dead in her sleep and finding her in the yard.  no explanation. 

tires that won't wear evenly and spending 7 hours last week over multiple days in car repair shop waiting rooms. 

my computer dying and being left wondering how i lived organized without using my computer - i feel paralyzed in the simple tasks of managing my own home (or blogging for that matter). 

i know that simply reading my blog can skew your perspective of me as a normal human full of frailty and brokenness.  let me shatter that image right now and let you know that i am having a hard time just like you are having or have had yourself.  i find myself crying out to the Lord, why am i so shaken? 

the song popped into my head today on Christ the solid rock i stand, all other ground is sinking sand and i realized:  if i am feeling so shaken by so much these days, might i have some sand still in my foundation when i had hoped was only built on Him? 

...and tears fill my eyes at the revelation of my own fallenness.

it is the Holy Spirit's mercy to reveal this to me, but pains my heart to see it so.  i build upon the Rock, and yet somewhere i started trusting in other things as well and when those things shifted my trust got shaky. 

at some point while i was trusting Him to be my Lord and Savior, i started wanting to take the reigns of my life and felt the pressure to save myself.

...and i am not a very good savior.

once again i am crying out for the grace to lean upon my Beloved.  it isn't that these fairly normal life circumstances caused the turmoil in my soul.  the turmoil has always been there lying undisturbed and hidden from even me.  the circumstances just give me an opportunity to see what was already in my heart and be able to cry out for Him to be my Everything.

there are no super christians.  no matter what you think of the amazing preacher, the encouraging blogger, or the "super mom" who seems to have it all together, the truth of the matter is we are all weak and all in need of the One who remains the same when everything else is shaken.

be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  and the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.  

the things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.  but i rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at last you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity.  not that i speak from want, for i have learned to be content in whatever circumstances i am.  

i know how to get along with humble means, and i also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance i have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.  

i can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  philippians 4:6-13

i need the peace of God to guard my heart and my mind.  right now.  i pray this peace also guards you as well and that He is the firm foundation on which your house is built.  let Him deal with the faults in our foundations now so that we will stand firm in the shaking to come.  He is faithful to use these present trials to refine us, shape us, and draw us to Himself.

 charis

it's all about perspective

word for the day:  perspective

start.

i went into the tire store just to get a simple rotation.  in and out in 15 minutes right?  turns out i need two new tires.  again.  a fresh alignment.  again.  4th alignment in the 2 years we have owned the van and tires # 7 and 8 that we have purchased in the same amount of time.  something is off and i am not sure what.

they tell me that it is uneven wear.  the inside edges of the tires are wearing too fast and getting bald while the outside edges are fine.  it has been the same problem of inside wear since we bought this car and no one knows how to stop the reoccurring problem. 

i feel myself quite like the tires.  i am getting worn and weary from uneven wear.  taking my kids on a simple errand to target i am on edge, barking orders to them of what not to do.  finishing the daily routines i have angst rise up and grumbling escape my lips in a whisper.  mustering up all the self-control i can i try to silence the gateway before hurtful words escape that cannot fully be undone by i'm sorry.

i am off.  uneven wear.  the inside is growing bald while the outside looks pretty much the same.  simple trials of life - car repairs, broken garbage disposals, dying computers... all seem to pile on the pressure and try the health of my soul.  

and i open to the book of acts and read of paul and silas beaten and thrown in prison - it was at midnight that they sang.  after mistreatment and pain and life just not going right they sang praises to their God.

what is the remedy for uneven wear, for the inner edges going bald too quickly - the barrenness in my own soul that i am too keenly aware of at the present moment?  sing.

sing and be realigned with truth.

stop.

photo credit

want to join in?  it is easy.



5 minute friday rules:
1. write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2.link back here and invite others to join in.
3. please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them.

as always,  i love to hear from you in the comments! 

charis

raising lovers of Jesus in the midst of the chaos

have you ever felt overwhelmed by all the world tells us we need to do to raise our kids to be successful well-adjusted members of society?

well, first there is the private school... or if you can't foot the bill then the must of homeschooling.

then there is the college savings account... in our case times that one by 5!  ouch!

don't forget the team sports that take up several nights a week, maybe all night if you have different kids on different teams, and most weekends.

...oh and music lessons.  or art classes.  or drama auditions.

they need that latest and greatest piece of technology... you know, the device that will take average to genius?

remember as well to make them cultured by traveling and experiencing the world around them: visiting art museums and libraries, seeing a ballet, camping, fishing, going to other countries...

and then there is the healthy, whole foods, organic eating at home - you don't want to mess up those young minds or bodies with all the additives in the standard american diet.

the problem is, though none of these are bad in and of themselves, the pressure gets so great and the schedules so full that life becomes more like chaos.  it may be organized chaos, but it is chaos still.

it becomes a distraction of what is of greatest importance - raising lovers of Jesus.

the question we are often left with is, "when do we have time to teach them to love God?  how do we even start in the pursuit of producing lovers of Jesus?"

i am sharing today at 5 minutes for faith on this very issue.  i would love you to drop by and add your thoughts and experiences in the comments over there. 

click here to read more!  hope you can visit me there!


charis

photo credit

she is...

she is beautiful.  she is kind.  she is creative beyond imagination.

one of my most vivid childhood memories is her example of worshiping God.  i remember going to worship practices with her and playing in the back of the church while she worshiped God practicing with the team.  at home she would often turn on a worship tape (yes, back in the days when we listened to cassette tapes) and would sing and dance in the middle of the room.  she took piano lessons as an adult so that she could write her own songs to the Lord on the piano and worship in our living room.  she engrained in me the importance of taking time to worship God at home, not just in the larger gathering of believers. (though she has led worship in both)

she seemed to have a mini crisis with the idea becoming a grandma, but as soon as my oldest son was set to arrive she was fully engaged with the new life that was coming.  now, 11 grandkids later, she is known to crawl around on the floor playing hide and seek, take out all her percussion instruments letting them play loudly to their hearts' content while having family worship time, and always has one of the many by her side giving her cuddles.  she is engaged in these little lives and will influence them in a way that only a grandparent (or nonnie in her case) can - they will hear words from her that they may not receive as warmly from mommy and daddy and they will open up their tender hearts to her.

she set a godly example of what it meant to be a faithful loving wife.  i remember a conversation with her in my teenage years about how once a girl gets married her husband is to be her closest male friend.  she strongly believed and encouraged friends, rather than committed relationships, with the opposite sex while we were too young to get married.  but she warned that close friendships with the opposite sex were for before marriage and not to give close confidence to other men after marriage that was meant for your husband.  she married her best friend and encouraged each of us to do the same.  i took this all to heart.  she showed me that marriage is for life, not for when it is convenient, and the example she and my dad have given about faithfulness and covenant has been a gift beyond what she may ever fully know. 

like a broken record she hammered forgiveness into us as we grew up.  she told me the most important thing i will ever learn is how to forgive.  she didn't have an inflated view of herself, but in humility told us that we would someday have to forgive even her, though she always tried to give us the best she could and knew how.  as i raise my own kids, i remember that i will not be perfect, though i really desire to be good.  i remember her example to humble myself to my own kids and admit my imperfections.  i work to pass on the high value for forgiveness - the greatest gift Jesus gives us and the most important gift we give to others and to ourselves.

in a hard stretch of time between me and my siblings, when i was much too consumed with friends and not kind enough to the ones God had chosen for my family, she reminded me again and again that my siblings would be my best friends when i grew up.  she was right.  i am thankful that she had vision to see what God would do in our relationships when i could not see.  i too tell my boys to remember that friends will come and go, but their brothers will be there forever as their best friends.

she has modeled generosity and servanthood again and again and again.  putting her own needs aside, she has given and loved in the most real practical way those around her who are hurting or in need.  she has become the armor bearer to those who are in enormous personal battles.  she is compassionate, wise, and kind - an amazing support when support is what is needed most.  she is a friend when it is most important to be a friend.

she has so much deep inside of her that is so beautiful, waiting to come out.  she isn't ambitious to make herself known, but happy to serve the Lord wherever He places her.  she has shown me that it is right to trust the Lord to open the doors and show what He has for me right now... that we love and worship the Lord in whatever He has put before us for this season of life.

she is my mama.

i am incredibly blessed to be her daughter. 

 charis

15 things that i love

in honor of the day of my birth, i want to share with you a few of my favorite things.  though not an all inclusive list, these are some things i truly do love (not necessarily in any order, though the hubby does get the top billing that he is due).

1. my wonderful hubby bill.  yes, i think we were wiping my kiss off, or was it my lip gloss?  regardless, my purple hair rocked and so does my husband of ten years.

above two pictures by myriah grubbs photography

 

2. baby feet.  i love them.  like, maybe way too much.  maybe that is why i keep having babies. (wink, wink)

3. the ocean.  pretty much any body of water will do something inside this heart of mine, but there is something extra special about the ocean.

4. this lovely instrument called a piano.  my mom made me take lessons when i was a kid, through me liking it then not liking it, practicing then not practicing, wanting to quit then so thankful that i didn't!!! (thank you mommy!!)  these beautiful ivories are my connecting place with the Lord more often than not.

5. the Word - and i love that i have a bible that is in english and spanish... and that it was a gift from my husband when i first met him. 

6. baby lips.  kissable. loveable. eatable. baby. lips.  tell me you can't resist either.

7. homegrown tomatoes.  my homegrown tomatoes.  i love gardening and eating from the garden.

8. knitting.  there is something soothing in the rhythm.  i also always remember that when i read a tale of two cities my sophomore year of high school i decided i wanted to knit.  it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

9. singing.  writing music.  recording my music.  someday i will record a cd of my music for you to enjoy.

10. tulips.  my favorite flower.  then comes roses and calla lilies as close seconds.  but there is just something about a tulip that gets me every time.

11. fireworks!  i love the crash.  i love the lights.  i love the glitter falling from the sky.  i hoped simeon, who was due in july, would be born on the 4th so i could tell him that the fireworks were for his birthday every year.  he waited and was both the 16th.  oh well!  but... he did start walking on the 4th of july.  i told him the fireworks were in honor of him walking.  we will go with it til he is too old to believe me.  aw, beautiful fireworks!

12. creating.  i have had so much fun finding a new creative side of me that i didn't know i had... i have always been a musician.  i have been an actress.  i have been a writer.  i have been a painter.  i have been a cook (an artist in the kitchen you may say since i can't follow a recipe but have to make it my own and create as i go).  but to create with my hands and a bit of yarn?  well, this is still fairly new to me and i am loving it.

13. did i mention that i love baby feet?  aw, the love is welling up inside right now.

above picture by myriah grubbs photography

14. i love blogging.  i love my readers - those who comment and those who just read that i may never know. 

15. much much more!  i love my family, my kiddos (all 5 of these boys!), my church community, my Savior, and all that God gives me every single day.  i am incredibly blessed and celebrate another year of knowing the goodness of God.  there is so much to be thankful for!


still counting gifts to 1000...


629 - 653:

629. fun new colorful yarn to make a gift for a friend.

630. tandem nursing going well.

631. hubby working hard to clean the tons of pollen from our roof, driveway, yard, and street - it looked like tumble weeds.

632. wednesday night date nights with or without a babysitter... kids in bed and blackberry cobbler in the oven.

633. the bad dream was only a dream and not real life.

634. the opportunity to use a very broken area of my life to encourage a friend who is struggling.

635. fresh squeezed orange juice.

636. time to celebrate my siblings birthdays.

637. learning psalm 5 as a family and getting to teach the boys the old chorus that is the 1st couple verses.

638. brightly colored flowers blooming on the front porch.

639. a freshly mowed lawn.

640. the hens started laying eggs again after mourning their lost sister.

641. reading the book of acts and having the stories come alive.

642. listening to my little ones go to sleep listening to the book of the revelation of Jesus on cd.

643. God's provision for us.

644. clean water to drink whenever i want.

645. cuddles with my simeon.

646. a kitchen to create in.

647. the pinched nerve in my shoulder is finally loose.  feels so much better.

648. cute new baby clothes - feels like i am dressing up a baby doll.

649. a garden in a pot - a thoughtful gift from a gardening friend who knew i haven't had time to plant my garden this year.

650. more meals brought by friends and leftovers for lunches.

651. another year and more thankful than ever before.

652. bbq at the lake with family.

653. grace to memorize the Word.


i am linked up at a holy experience.

if you have a blog, let me know if you have a list of your grace gifts so i can visit!  if you don't, write something you are thankful for in the comment section.  i love hearing from you!

if you haven't liked this facebook page, you can to the upper right of this post.  i would love to keep in better touch with you!

charis