it's time to get really really real

it's time to get really really real right now.  buckle your seat belts.

i am acutely aware right now of my own humanity.  frailty.  brokenness.

a friend told me to listen to one of my favorite songs tonight while reading her blog and i encourage you to do the same reading mine. 

things have been happening.  nothing extremely devastating.  oh believe me i have had those times.  everything, however, has been somewhat life altering. 

and i have had this stress, this anxiety, in my shoulders like a burden across my back that i had to carry.  the weight of the world, if you will.  my little world.

i am no super mom.  having 5 kids is hard.  it is exhausting.

- having 1 kid is exhausting.  let's all be honest about that one. - 

but i am exhausted... near tears and yet too tired to cry.  it isn't the kids who are wearing on me.  sure they have their own rough moments.  it is just all this tiredness and the little things that happen on top of it.

for example...

 a chicken falling over dead in her sleep and finding her in the yard.  no explanation. 

tires that won't wear evenly and spending 7 hours last week over multiple days in car repair shop waiting rooms. 

my computer dying and being left wondering how i lived organized without using my computer - i feel paralyzed in the simple tasks of managing my own home (or blogging for that matter). 

i know that simply reading my blog can skew your perspective of me as a normal human full of frailty and brokenness.  let me shatter that image right now and let you know that i am having a hard time just like you are having or have had yourself.  i find myself crying out to the Lord, why am i so shaken? 

the song popped into my head today on Christ the solid rock i stand, all other ground is sinking sand and i realized:  if i am feeling so shaken by so much these days, might i have some sand still in my foundation when i had hoped was only built on Him? 

...and tears fill my eyes at the revelation of my own fallenness.

it is the Holy Spirit's mercy to reveal this to me, but pains my heart to see it so.  i build upon the Rock, and yet somewhere i started trusting in other things as well and when those things shifted my trust got shaky. 

at some point while i was trusting Him to be my Lord and Savior, i started wanting to take the reigns of my life and felt the pressure to save myself.

...and i am not a very good savior.

once again i am crying out for the grace to lean upon my Beloved.  it isn't that these fairly normal life circumstances caused the turmoil in my soul.  the turmoil has always been there lying undisturbed and hidden from even me.  the circumstances just give me an opportunity to see what was already in my heart and be able to cry out for Him to be my Everything.

there are no super christians.  no matter what you think of the amazing preacher, the encouraging blogger, or the "super mom" who seems to have it all together, the truth of the matter is we are all weak and all in need of the One who remains the same when everything else is shaken.

be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  and the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.  

the things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.  but i rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at last you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity.  not that i speak from want, for i have learned to be content in whatever circumstances i am.  

i know how to get along with humble means, and i also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance i have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.  

i can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  philippians 4:6-13

i need the peace of God to guard my heart and my mind.  right now.  i pray this peace also guards you as well and that He is the firm foundation on which your house is built.  let Him deal with the faults in our foundations now so that we will stand firm in the shaking to come.  He is faithful to use these present trials to refine us, shape us, and draw us to Himself.

 charis

you cannot have it all

photo credit

i cannot do it all.  i cannot have it all.

                                                               whatever is this all anyways??

some days it feels as if i cannot even do anything. 

someone asked a while back how i get everything done.  how, might you ask, do i balance being a mom of four boys, teach piano lessons, cook wholesome meals, be involved in a house of prayer ministry, maintain a house, pursue creative outlets, lead worship, have friends, pursue a relationship with God,  cultivate a healthy marriage, and on and on and on?  well, the simple answer is that i don't.

i am always coming up short.

i know a blog can look like someone has it all together and can juggle all the balls of life without ever having one fall.  the reality for me is that some days i don't only drop one of the balls, but they all come crashing down on the floor.

i have one big fat to do list that never gets checked off.  i push items from today back to tomorrow... and then the next day... and the next.  

just like everyone else, i am a broken human being who has big desires to become something, to do something worthwhile with my life, to accomplish this list of to dos.  just like everyone else, i fall short so many times in so many areas. 

my husband was telling me last night, really all human beings are the same. there is comfort for me in this: you and i, sitting possibly on opposite sides of the planet, are really more alike than we realize.  we can relate.  we have hopes and dreams.  we have weaknesses and failures.  there is no one who is that image we try to live up to that does it all and has it all.

that person just doesn't really exist.

you cannot have it all.

you cannot do it all.

but you can do what is before you and you can have what is in reach.  

for me, right now, it is a fussy baby pulling at me as i try to type out this blog post.  

this fussy baby.

photo by myriah grubbs

and yet, there are things that will not get done as i choose him over choosing my all important to do list.

for me, being in full time ministry, sometimes i have to choose between my involvement level in ministry and the needs of my family.  i cannot do it all.  but this means in all practicality that there are things that will not get done.  

i would love to write more on the topic of balancing family and ministry (or whatever work or activity has been put before you).  i have written before about the tension between balancing life and finding time with God.   but for now i will just leave you with the encouragement that you are not alone if you are feeling like you aren't measuring up.

we are all the same.  there are no super humans.  

we are broken and weak...

                                            yet sincere and beautiful.

a wise man once called it dark yet lovely...

charis

how to grow in a life of prayer

photo credit - stock.xchng by eyebiz

 

if there is one thing that the modern day church needs more than anything else, it is a spirit of prayer.  however, little actual value is placed on prayer in both our personal and corporate lives.


the subject of prayer

in a recent post, i asked you my readers for feedback on what you want to hear more about on this blog.  one specific request that struck me deeply was a request to read more about prayer. 

my husband and i are in full time ministry doing just that - prayer.  we oversee the building of a house of prayer community in redding, california, and much of our time and energy is both in the place of prayer and encouraging other believers to grow in their own prayer lives.  we gather believers to corporate worship and prayer times to join our hearts in encountering the living God and to partner with Him in His purposes for the earth. 


prayer as the foundation

prayer was deep in the foundation of the early church.  their gatherings were centered around prayer as opposed to ours where we spend very little time in our corporate gathering actually praying.  why do you think that is?  i believe it is pretty simple.  we do not know the transforming power of a life of prayer.  we do not realize the communion with the Lord we are offered to live from when we partner our hearts with the One who is called the Great Intercessor.  we instead regard prayer as boring, token, and as a last resort.  (ever heard it said, well i guess all we can do now is pray...)


time in the Word stirs our hearts to pray

although i have given my life to this thing called prayer, i feel as if there is so much i have to learn!  i am always hungry and open to teachings and advice on how to deepen my own life in prayer.  i recently heard a good friend teaching in a sunday school class on prayer say something i have been thinking about for the past couple days.  he said that we do not have a hunger to pray because we do not spend time in the Word.  if we were in the Word more, it would stir our hearts to pray. 

wow. 

so, it seems that the lack of prayer in the church and in our own personal lives could actually be a reflection of the fact that we do not actually spend much time in the Word.  do i want to stir a deeper hunger to spend time with the Lord in prayer?  then i need to make sure i am daily reading and meditating on His Word - the Bible.  am i feeling unmotivated and unmoved in talking to the Lord in prayer?  how has my time in the Word been the last couples days, weeks, or (gasp) months? 

in thinking about my own experience with developing both a prayer life and a life in the Word i can pinpoint some specific ups and downs in both.  i can see a pattern for myself of times i have been too busy to really read the Bible and then feeling disconnected in prayer and times when i have pressed in to read the Word (even in the small seemingly insignificant moments) and feeling my heart drawn to talk to the Lord.  though it may not be a perfect rule, i believe my friend is right in that they are very closely tied.



adding myself to my own prayer list

for me, one of the greatest gifts of revelation i have had in the past year or so is that it is legal to pray for myself.  i have always had a prayer list of people and issues that i pray for and then i also just use my prayer times to "vent" to the Lord instead of to men (i got this from studying the life of david and saw it to be a powerful part of his life).  i hadn't occurred to me to use a portion of my personal prayer time to just pray, "God, give me a Spirit of prayer.  give me a desire to pray.  please give me the grace to follow You and desire You and spend time with You."  this sounded totally crazy to me, and yet it is totally a legal prayer.  king david would often pray for himself in the psalms.  Jesus said that the Father would give the Holy Spirit to all who asked Him (luke 11:13).  we can totally ask for the Holy Spirit to strengthen our prayer lives and He will!  this has been such fuel for me! the times when i come to the Lord and feel so untouched and unmotivated to be there, i now simply ask that He would send the Holy Spirit to stir me to desire to pray.  so simple and yet it works.



prayer exposes our own weakness

another thing that i have learned over the past couple years of focusing on growing in prayer and building up the house of prayer in redding is how weak i often feel.  my initial thoughts were that a life of prayer would make me feel like i was on top of the world, but that isn't exactly how it works.  it isn't meant to work that way.  there are so many places in Scripture that say that the Lord delights in those who know their own weakness and lean on Him.  He is near the broken and contrite in heart (ps 51:17).  in Jesus's first publicly recorded sermon He begun by saying, "happy are the poor in spirit..."  the Lord values our recognition of our own weakness and this is a purposeful byproduct of a life in prayer.  when we are weak, He becomes strong in our lives.

i was reading the other night and i felt so much Holy Spirit confirmation in a writing of bill johnson's about his early days of developing a life of prayer.  i would paraphrase, but basically do it no justice, so i will quote it here.  bill johnson wrote in center of the universe:

i thought that i would discover a source of real power through prayer.  instead i found weakness - mine.  it seemed that with more prayer i would rise to a place of powerful ministry.  instead, i am filled with an awareness of inability to handle power.  my eyes have turned from my grand future to a grace-filled present.  i'm not disappointed, just surprised.

i figured that with more prayer i would become pure and holy.  it seems that instead, i have become aware of my impurity.  when i thought that my heart would jump at the chance to be holy, i found it to be coarse and vain.  i do sense a change happening in me, but i realize now that it's not as much from my heart as it is from His.  i'm not disappointed, just surprised.

more prayer appeared to be the key to the miraculous.  certainly if i pray more there will be more miracles happening through my life.  it's true that i see more miracles.  but so far it's not that they have increased as much as i see my world differently.  i'm not disappointed, just surprised.

with more prayer, i would discover the "riches of Christ," right?  my first discovery was my spiritual poverty.  as for His riches, they fill my heart only as i see my need. i'm not disappointed, just surprised.

if there was one thing that i knew for sure, it was that more prayer brought more answers.  my shock came when i realized that i don't have more as much as i have different answers.  i'm not disappointed, just surprised.

this is where i have been myself.  i have discovered in a life of prayer much surprise about both myself and God.  but i am not disappointed.  this is the life we are called to as believers.  we are called to be joined to Him in prayer and truly discover what it means to know Him and live leaning into Him.

i encourage you to take some time today to go to that place of prayer to encounter His heart.  has it been a while?  does your heart feel cold?  ask Him to give you the grace to pray.  ask Him to give you the Holy Spirit to strength and encourage you to pray.  He will give to all who ask.


your thoughts

what is one thing you have discovered in pursuing a life of prayer?  what is one obstacle you have faced in trying to develop your own prayer life?  i would love for you to add your thoughts in the comments below.


charis

when expectations come crashing down

yesterday... our second family picture of the six of us.  last one was when simeon was 3 weeks old.

i had high expectations for today.  today, however, did not turn out the way i was hoping it would.  i don't know if it was the wind outside, the crash from the sugar high yesterday, the change in routine with all the kids home, or maybe none of us got quite enough sleep and woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  whatever the reasons that i may never know, i found myself already looking forward to tomorrow and starting over again before it was even noon.

in the midst of 4 little people who are not being fun to be with and a stuffy head and sneezy nose clouding my mental processing abilities, i was sorely lacking in the fourth fruit of the spirit.   and yet, i was not unaware of the struggle inside of myself - something that often i don't notice until after the fact.

all day long i have felt weak, broken, impatient, disappointed... frustrated with my inability to make lemonade from the lemons before me.  i am poor in spirit. 

and as my recent prayers have centered around asking for the Lord to teach me humility, this very day may be an answer to my prayers.  the first step towards humility is seeing my own poverty of spirit - my own lack to do it all in my own strength.

for it is then i cry out for Him to come meet me.

blessed are those...

in the midst of it all, the tough days right along side the shining ones, there is always the grace that i need. sometimes what i am lacking are the eyes to see it.  He is the God of more than enough and He gives to me over and over again so that thankfulness can overflow everyday.  i learn to say thanks for days like today when i take one more step towards knowing Him.  i will say like the apostle james that i count it all joy.

105 - 123:

105. soft, rolly, chunky baby arms and legs.

106. little boys in white polo shirts and plaid.

107. the God-Man who died on the cross for me.

108. an empty tomb on a sunday morning.

109. sweet organic grape tomatoes.

110. green knitting needles.

111. a finished fence in the backyard!

112. my amazing canon camera that i record the memories of life with... still amazed that it is mine.

113. breaking the bread and drinking the cup tonight with my husband and 4 boys.

114. confessing my sin before my children - one step closer to living a life of humility.

115. the opportunity to pray and talk to the Eternal God.

116. leaves starting to cover the trees with green and more green.

117. the whirring sounds of the dishwasher.

118. my five year old spelling out, "i   l-o-v-e   y-o-u   m-o-m" on his way to bed.  makes me smile and the hardness of the day melts.

119. songs about Jesus.

120. enjoying the ones God chose for me as siblings and the spouses they chose to add to my list of siblings.

121. sitting behind my parents at church and watching them both hold their two youngest grandbabies asleep.

122. chocolate.  

123. knowing that tomorrow is another day.  His mercies are new every morning.


i am linked up at a holy experience.  thank you for all who visit just to read my list of gifts.  i always love hearing what my readers are thankful for as well.

what has He given to you?

charis