ramblings on education and my sweet baby girl

i have been so quiet around these parts that i am sure you can hear the crickets chirp.

life hasn't been quite so quiet in my off screen life however.

we just wrapped up our 2nd year homeschooling. there are so many wonderful things we have experienced in our homeschooling adventures. there are also many things that make me know that no one schooling approach is without its hardships and flaws. no one approach is for everyone or for every season.

our family prays about what school is going to look like every year. we don't have a mandate or direction from the Lord that we feel convinced is the one way we will go the whole way through school. it is interesting because it makes me feel a little awkward as a mom because i don't fit into either of the schooling (or any, as there seems to be even more than the main 2) camps. i totally see the benefits and shortfalls of the classroom education. i also totally see the benefits and the shortfalls of the home education. neither are perfect, and so often i find people, women in general, want me to take a hard fast line saying i am a 'believer' in one of the other. we seem to feel validated in our choices when we form a club around the way we do things.

i just am not a part of a club.

i have taught in the public education system, and i actually had a wonderful experience. i think there are really good teachers out there, really good schools, and a really good education and experience to be found. i still serve on the school board of a private christian school in town, and my kids attended there for 5 years. i have had a wonderful experience there and miss many of the benefits that school had to offer. i have homeschooled 3 kids one year, 4 the next, with little ones in tow and pregnant... i have had great experiences and some that still leave me unsatisfied. we have been a part of a co-op and i have been the lead teacher of many of those classes - again, benefit and difficulties.

i am personally the product of secular schooling through graduation from high school, both private and public education, and had wonderful and hard experiences. for me the good greatly outweighed the bad, and i wouldn't trade my experience for all the world. i went to a christian university (actually 2!). amazing and difficulty intermingled.

all this rambling is to say, i am probably always going to be a bit of a loner in my hesitation to jump on the bandwagon of homeschool or bust or the club of classroom or bust. i will always be someone who can see both sides. i will probably always feel a bit like i don't belong because i am not as sold out on most ideas or ways of doing things, especially education, as many of my friends and acquaintances. it really is a lonely place to be in.

but maybe just writing this and putting it out there will make one of you dear readers feel like you aren't alone if you feel like you also don't fit into either camp. i love the way God leads our family, even though sometimes it is stressful to not be sure what we are doing the next fall when everyone is asking for a commitment to plan like 6 months in advance. but He is always faithful and has always led us. i know He will continue to. i know that the way we do school may change from one year to the next, even from one kid to the next. i am okay with that.

one beautiful part of homeschooling this year has been having all the boys home with their little sister for her 1st year. this little one has been our absolute delight and icing on the top of our 5 layer chocolate cake. i love that they have had this special time with her... that she has had that special time with them. for me, i feel like i haven't had as much special time with her and my littler ones as i did with the older ones simply because i have to teach the olders so much. i know that God fills in those gaps for them, but i think it makes it feel like it goes by that much quicker if i can be perfectly honest. i am not ready for my littles to grow all the way up.

the beads are from her brothers for her 1st birthday gift. you better believe she knew exactly what to do with them. our teeny tiny sugar, not even 19 lbs yet at a year old. such a little love. my 3 year old was just telling our neighbor who came to the door to chat this morning, "see our baby girl? see our girl? do you see her? our baby girl?" it is as if all our hearts have had parts unlocked by her that we didn't realize were even there.

life is full. life is sweet. and, as everyone knows of their own life, the sweet is laced with painful. life is just that way. but, i do believe that the more acquainted we are with the depths of pain, the more the sweetness of life is just that... sweet and full of joy. i have to remind myself in the midst of the busy busy life of 6 kiddos to stop and look at these ordinary moments and soak in the delight... to take those mental photographs that will be etched onto my memories forever.

i guess this is just a rambling of my thoughts. what are your thoughts on education and life decisions? do you have a clear word from the Lord that is steering your direction consistently over a long stretch of time? do you come fresh to Him each year to find the directives for that year? do you see life from as many complicated angles as i do? i think it helps me relate to people... but it makes it hard to feel like i ever fully belong because i always see the other side. i would love to hear from anyone who has still hung around this long while i haven't been writing much. love you to all!

charis

saying no, self-control, and joy

i have missed writing here - so many times this has been an outlet for me both as a ministry to others and as a chance to express myself. i had a few moment this morning, so here are some thoughts i have been having in no particular order... 

1. saying no - right now is a time of my life when i am throwing myself into my life that is right before me. i am not able to add a lot to it in writing or in taking on new commitments. i am learning how to say no. i am learning that it is okay, not only okay but really really good, to say no. saying no means i can say yes with a whole heart to the things He has asked me to say yes to right now. i am learning that saying no doesn't mean it will be no forever. i think a lot of times i am hesitant to make decisions because i feel like i am locking myself into a forever commitment to either do or not do something; however, this just isn't the case on most things of life. we follow His lead and He leads us day by day.

2. self-control of what comes out of our mouths (and our fingers) - it is an interesting time we live in where so much of our communication happens online via a screen that we can hide behind instead on face to face like most communication has traditionally taken place. my dad was a communications professor at a local university, so i would say i have some well grounded thoughts on communication. i find it interesting that so many people feel so much liberty in what they say in an online setting that they may never say to someone's face. i find it interesting that so much of our communication in these settings lacks the non-verbal communication elements that they say make up 80% or more of communication. i find it very interesting, interesting and sad, that people, especially believers, type out statuses and comments on forums like facebook that insult other people for choices they make in life with demeaning language and haughty speech and words (and this is often on non-sin issues... i am not talking about taking a stand for righteousness). there are so many hot topics these days, largely fueled by the media swirl (which is another topic for another day), and it seems people are so quick to demonize "the other side," not thinking that those of "the other side" may be the brothers and sisters in Christ that we worship next to on Sunday morning. so many Scripture references pop into my head including Jesus' admonishment that calling your brother a fool could endanger one's soul of the lake of fire itself... or how about the places where the apostles paul, peter, and john plead with believers to love one another? i often wonder if people think about who is reading their words and if they would want to say that to someone's face? how would these discussions take place in a living room over a cup of coffee? or, even more important, do we want these side issues, no matter how passionate we feel about our perspective, to take the place of importance of the REAL issue of following Jesus and displaying his sacrificial love to one another and to those who have not yet believed? i believe in not compromising what Jesus and the scriptures say following Him looks like - i am not one of changing the scriptures to say all paths lead to God. i am thinking of side issues... i am thinking of things that are left up to us and not described as sin. even confronting sin issues should be done in love and coming to a brother or sister personally... just thoughts that i think when i watch this dynamic that is specific to our particular time we live in.

3. joy - what does it look like to walk out true joy? joy isn't tied to circumstance - joy is tied to the secure place we have in the One to whom we entrust our lives. i am finding for myself joy is more and more tied into giving thanks. as i am reading through the psalms daily, i am finding the command to give thanks over and over again. i read the reminder to israel to remember what He did for them and to tell others of what He did... i think as believers we are to do the same. when my thoughts and words are filled with thanking Him for His faithfulness, something bubbles forth from my very depths that can't help but cause me to trust Him more and to experience this joy that cannot be stolen by anyone or anything. no one can steal my joy when i am anchored to Him who is trustworthy. i do not understand a lot in life, but i know that joy is available to me when i choose to give thanks in all things.

blessings to you and yours - may God show you what He has for you to say yes to so you can feel confident in saying no to what which isn't for this season. may God give you grace to choose your words lovingly and keep the main thing in focus, that the worries and cares of this life won't cause you to forget that we are first called to walk as He walked and talk as He talked - full of mercy, truth, and always pointing to the hope of reconciliation to the Father! may God bring you to experience true joy - joy that lasts!

charis

late night musings

i have had several really good blog posts swirling around my head over the past month or so, only to not get a chance to sit down at the computer and type them out. aw... thus is the life of having 6 kids. no time when i am inspired, and no inspiration on the chance i have a few minutes of time.

kids have changed me.

one kid? not so much. i brought him around everywhere with me, still doing pretty much what i did.

two kids? well, that hit me like a freight train, but slowly i pulled out of the wreckage and tried to piece back together a semblance of who i thought myself to formerly be. did i ever fully recover? the world, or i for that matter, may never know.

three kids? well, somehow i had the grace of God to step into a new season of me. former dreams that had been put way up high on the back shelf to collect dust were pulled back down, and i rediscovered a bit of me that i had forgotten. i found a new confidence and settled into myself. i discovered new parts i didn't know were there.

four kids? i entered into a letting go. be it for a short time or forever, i felt my hands release what i had tried to hold tight to.

five kids? my hands became so full, my heart even moreso, that i didn't have room for anything else. did i mean i didn't value other parts of me? no. i just realized that to be present with all i had, something had to give.

six kids? my life before is a fuzzy distant memory that only sometimes i get a small glimpse of, maybe in a dream in the night or being tagged in an old pic on facebook, and nostalgia and sentimentality come for a visit over a cup of tea late at night. then i wake up in the morning wishing i had gone to bed a bit earlier because of all i have to do on much too little sleep.

what is the point of this rambling? i went to a movie tonight that was a film version of a musical i was in during my college days. i felt a foggy memory of a person i was long ago, who i am pretty sure is in there somewhere. the memories triggered were happy ones. i smiled, i remembered, i looked up people on facebook that i haven't spoken to in years. i also sat and wondered who of my current friends and acquaintances know i was in theatre in a "previous life." who knows the parts of me that seem so hidden that i sometimes forget they are there? so much has changed. so much life lived, the road coming to forks where i had to make a choice, and other times taking a detour not of my own choosing.

but even in my musings and remembering, i don't regret taking the road i chose, and making the choices i did that have led me so far from those days. i may not have chosen detours that are now a part of my history, but even those have shaped me, grown me, matured me.

i love my life now. do i wish at times i could have parts of my past while living in my present? perhaps. but perhaps not. so much has happened since those times, and so much of it is all jumbled up in the mess of yarn that makes up who i am today. beautiful times. painful times. times i smile upon. times i would rather forget. and yet, none of it is in vain. somehow the Lord will take this tangled yarn and make a beautiful piece of art, and it will all count.

so as i go to sleep tonight i will remember and i will thank the Lord for the sum of the times He has given me, all the times that lie ahead, many or few, and whoever He is weaving me together to be. His plans are good. His ways are high. as i plunge ahead into a new year, i choose to trust, to love, to be present, and to give thanks for all i have rather than long for what i don't.

charis

for the times when you feel like you've really blown it

we were sitting in the car driving back from a lovely summer afternoon at the lake. i gazed out the car window at the rolling hills, lush evergreens, and aqua skies that where sprinkled with fluffy white clouds. my heart pounded and i opened my mouth in a confession, looking out of the corner of my eye at my husband who was driving, "so...iI lost it with the kids this morning. again. and it was all over a lost library book. it's not how i wanted the morning to go."

my eyes looked down at my sandy tanned toes as my heart felt like a ton of bricks filled with a bit of shame and a lot of regret. "when am i ever going to get victory in this area? when am i going to stop having outburst of anger at my kids? i just want to be a good mom... 

click here to read the rest as i share over at 5 minutes for faith about a place of brokenness in my own life. i hope it can encourage you in your own areas of brokenness.

charis

my dearest hosea

my dearest hosea,

today you are one year old. i can't believe my baby boy is already growing up! you are my grace baby... number 5. God gave me the best pregnancy with you, following the worst pregnancy with your brother, and although it wasn't a perfect blissful ride, it was doable. for that i am thankful.

but you were late in coming out. you decided to make your mama wait to meet you! i joked at the time that you were waiting for a name because we didn't even decide on your name until the night of your due date... and you were born 5 days later. the funny thing is, your name wasn't even in our top considerations - it just suddenly felt right that night when your daddy and i were out to dinner and talking about all God was doing with us and teaching us and who we thought you would be... and suddenly we knew that it was who you are.

hosea justus. "salvation." the original name of joshua and then of Jesus, our Messiah who is our promised salvation. the saving Grace that we need so badly. justus... the greek name for justice. and there is just something about the prophet hosea and his demonstration of the undeserved unrelenting love of God... well, now i know how much it fits you and how much i need that constant reminder of His unrelenting love.

your labor and delivery were different than all my others. for one, God decided, for reasons i still don't quite understand, that the perfect time for you to come was during one of my darkest hours. such intense grief and threatening fear, and yet such a thick presence of God that i cannot quite put into words. He met me and carried me through when i didn't think i could do it. He heard my cry and didn't leave me alone.

i am so thankful, my little boy, for your life. you fit our family so well. you are so playful and full of sugar and sweetness and joy. you have the most gentle dove eyes - a lot like how i imagine Jesus' eyes to be (besides the crystal blue color). so much innocence and peace and gentleness in those eyes of yours.

your first year was one of the hardest of my life, but it was your first year. and i just want you to know how much i love you with all of my heart - how thankful i am for you filling my tears with smiles. you are such a good baby and you are my baby.

happy birthday my special little boy. i love you more than my fumbling broken words can describe on a page.

charis

God wants to wow you

please let me share this testimony with you of how God wowed me. may this testimony be a prophecy into your life.

it was monday evening, on the 7th of this month, that i was sitting on the couch thinking about the impossibilities that lay before us. on the thursday night before our oven completely died in the middle of baking a loaf of bread for dinner. our glass top on the stove was already broken a year ago to the tune of $200 to replace ourselves (with one burner completely out of commission), and as we looked into the problem with the oven we discovered the part to fix it was $170 by itself.

almost $400 to fix an oven ourselves - you can buy a new oven for that amount.

...and in a month that was going to be a miracle to get through financially without the extra burden.

we live as missionaries in california (in my hometown even) and january is often an extremely low month of support as people are coming off of the expensive holidays and heading into tax season. somehow january always holds more of the once a year expenses for our family than other months. somehow God always comes through, but it is never without adventure.

as i talked to my mom on the phone on saturday afternoon, less than 48hours after the oven broke, i heard myself say out loud how we would look back on this time someday and be amazed at how God came through for us once again.

looking back, it sounds like i had great faith. i don't think it was as much great faith as it was the past 4 years of living on missionary support to do what God has clearly set before us (in one of the most expensive places in the world to live), we have built a history of seeing God provide for us in spite of our weak faith.

we have 5 kids... 5 little boys who like to eat a lot of food! we live on a whole foods diet, which means i make 98% of the food that we eat and in the winter most of that is in our oven. i knew that we had no means to replace or fix our oven, but i knew that God would make sure our kids ate even if it meant i was about to get really creative in my meal planning.

so on monday night, january 7th at 9:50pm i typed on my one thousand gifts app on my phone:

God is about to wow us.

little did i know that at that very moment He was dropping His plan to wow us into the heart of a friend.

i found out later that at 10:20pm on the very same monday night a friend, not even a super close friend but a sister of a close friend who is a reader of this blog and who i have been getting to know better over facebook, heard of our need and had a God idea. she decided to set up a facebook event to secretly let a bunch of our friends and family know what had happened to our oven and ask them to join her in surprising us with the money to buy a new oven.  these are the words she wrote out on the facebook "event" to bless our family:

Bill & Charis are in need of a oven because theirs just died and it costs $400 to fix, so let's bless them with a brand new one!

They run the prayer watch house here in Redding,Ca and are on missionary support. They have 5 beautiful boys.

We want to keep it a surprise until we give them the money for them to pick out the oven.
The goal is $600 (most oven runs $400 plus taxes etc.) If we end up going over $600, they will have more option to pick a nice one or use the extra money toward anything that they need.

If you are in, I will setup a PayPal or you could write check (mail or meet up) and when we reach $600 or more I will have someone or maybe me hand the money to them.

If we can get 30 people or more to give $20.. Or $5,$10 $15 is fine...or pray for them will be a huge blessing.

If you know anyone that works in the appliance department that can give discount or give a great deal on a electric oven ...please let us know! :)

Thanks! Pass on the Blessings!!!

Remember this is a surprise!

reading these words bring tears to my eyes. oh, a huge surprise it ended up being!

in less than 24 hours they raised the $600... in less that 48 they had well over the amount and still had others who said they had money to get to us.

at this point over $1000 has been given to us as a direct result of this friend asking those who love us to help out.

i am shocked and awed by the mercy and goodness of God.

i will let you watch the video my sister-in-law took while she and my friend michele, who organized the whole gift, hand delivered an envelop of cash and a card listing so so many friends and family, with some anonymous givers thrown in there as well, who gave to our family in our time of need. it is a bit embarrassing to me, in the most God way, but i want to show you and share with you to encourage you in whatever you are going through.

God wants to wow you. He wants to show you His provision is not up to you in any way. His goodness is not up to you. He sends rain to the just and the unjust alike. it isn't up to you to muster up a big faith. a small faith in the One who is Faithful is enough. He wants to kiss you with His kindness just like He kissed me just 11 days ago.

in one of the hardest times of my life, in a time that i have been crying out for God to make Himself really really real to me, He used those around me to answer my cry - a cry that wasn't even about money or provision. my cry was to know Him.

in the time of my weak faith, He is faithful once again to make Himself known.

if He could do it for me, He can do it for you.

we ended up getting both an oven and a new dishwasher for $600 - the amount they originally set out to raise. God is so good. even when you don't see how it is going to work, His ways are beyond what we can see.

still counting gifts to 1000...

825 - 847:


825. the opportunity to bless others with what we have been given by Him.

826. stove popped corn in coconut oil, butter, real salt, and nutritional yeast.

827. the sweetness of a sleeping baby in my arms.  gets me every time.

828. the way giving thanks changes me.

829. letting go.

830. being crushed by the One who has my ultimate best in mind.

831. oat groats and backyard eggs - breakfast perfection.

832. mermaid colored nails.

833. soccer practices and soccer games and being a soccer mama.

834. tuesday bringing a box of new fresh yummy produce every week.

835. one day at a time.

836. God is good - all. the. time.

837. prophetic song - the Holy Spirit melting my hardened heart through the song of another believer.

838. 85% cacao dark chocolate.

839. new pair of toms.

840. gelato date with my oldest boy.

841. hearing his honest assessment of what he likes about me and what i need to work on.

842. staying up a bit late to try to write.

843. freshly mopped kitchen floor.

844. creative meals.

845. God is about to wow us.

846. and He did. and still does.

847. His faithfulness does not depend on the size of my faith.


i am linked up at a holy experience.



if you haven't liked this facebook page, you can in the upper right of this post.  you can also follow this blog or subscribe in a reader.  i would love to keep in better touch with you! 

please leave a link to your list of gifts in the comments and i will come visit your blog as well!  i love to give thanks together.


charis

how's the fruit?

we were running late.  the baby was screaming though his diaper was clean and he was freshly nursed, shoelaces were needing to be tied, one child was still in the shower, dinner plates were strewn all over the kitchen with some still on the table, and my hair still up in the disheveled knot on the top of my head that had kept it out of my face during the early morning garage sale we held and the 2 soccer games we played in (well, i cheered at) immediately after.  one child yelled from the other room how he couldn’t find the matching shoe, another was digging in the basket of clean clothes that had sat in the living room corner all week trying to find socks, while one more ignored every effort to insist he get ready quickly.  and the phone kept incessantly ringing.

it was then, in the midst of the mounting pressure and decibel level in my house, that i completely lost it.  yes, i opened my mouth...

i am sharing today at 5 minutes for faith about my struggle with my words.  i would love for you to stop by!

charis

what i have learned having 5 kids...

life lessons from having 5 kids

 photo by myriah grubbs photography

1. life goes so quickly... don't wish this season away for the next.

2. poopy diapers are what they are and aren't the end of the world.

3. there is beauty or frustration in every moment - i get to choose which i focus on.

4. i am a better mama, a better wife, a better friend, a better human being if i get a few minutes in the Word each day.

5. the smiles and sweet sounds of a baby can wash away the fears, frustrations, and failures of the day.

6. somehow God always provides enough even when it doesn't make sense on paper.

7. noisy is relative.

8. quiet is also relative.

9. the reaction to the statement "i have 5 boys" will never get old.

10. once i hit 5 kids, strangers have no filter on the questions they ask about personal life.

11. people think i am some sort of hero or crazy woman to have 5 kids, but really i am just the same girl inside i always have been... and not that different than any other woman i know.

12. prayer is the most important key to every day... and a prayer-less day usually is a disaster.

13. God speaks constantly through the mouth of babes if i have ears to hear.

14. it is much harder to cook enough to have leftovers than it ever seems in the moment.

15. the desire to have no regrets will drive me to do or say crazy things that don't fit my "personality."

16. real friends are hard to come by and should be cherished and valued.

17. saying "i love you" sometimes can get more mileage than long talks that may waste words and time.

18. i love my parents more and more as i stumble along this parenting journey - thank you daddy and mama for the risks you took and the mistakes you made and the love you poured out because i have courage to do the same because of all you gave.

19. you don't have to be a perfect parent to be a darn good one.

20. the most important gift to give a child is an example of a real relationship with God. 

21. the second is a loving, though imperfect, committed marriage.

22. both relationship with God and with a spouse take work, time, and energy.

23. forgiveness is the most important lesson i can teach my kids and learn myself.

24. listen more.  talk less.

25. apologize often.  humbling myself will never go out of style.

still counting gifts to 1000...

769 - 786:

769. oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

770. soccer practices.

771. time to work on the much neglected house work.

772. feeling the connection with my boys' hearts.

773. grace to let down my guard and break down the walls.

774. the constant opportunity to bear my cross in relationships around me.

775. the humbling effect of the cross, even when i despise it.

776. that it is by grace i am saved, for i sure can't seem to do it right.

777. the tenderness of the Lord when i feel pretty small.

778. as far as the east is from the west, that's how far He has removed our transgressions from us.

779. starting to run again!

780. the evidence of the Holy Spirit's activity in my life on the occasions i am actually able to keep my mouth shut.

781. a praying grandma.

782. beauty all around me.

783. the amazing revelations on God and life that spill out of my 4 year old's mouth.

784. worship times on friday nights.

785. the frequent reminders to stay here in the moment, to be present, to soak in the now of my children and my life because it won't be the same tomorrow.

786. knitting... the moments here and there i can pick up where i left off and knit.

i am linked up at a holy experience.



if you haven't liked this facebook page, you can in the upper right of this post.  i would love to keep in better touch with you!

charis

did you look into their eyes today?

word for the day:  connect

start.

there are some days that life just seems too crazy.  it is like time is just marching around and around the clock and won't stop or slow down for even the really important things.

after the whirlwind of the day, looking at the many unchecked items on my to do list, food still under the table from dinner, and dirty dishes left undone in the sink i realize it:  the most important thing was left undone. 

i never connected with their hearts.

in all the hustle and bustle of life, though my heart desires to make connection with real people the priority - the heart to heart connect that lets them know they matter - sometimes all that needs to get done gets in the way of what i desire most. 

if i don't slow down myself purposely to look deep into the eyes around me and say the kind words that i have thought about them and just never voiced... well, the connect never happens without looks and without words.

i love you.

one of the most important phrases to connect two hearts to each other. 

looking straight into each other's eyes, regardless of what the day held, letting go of prior offenses and fully embracing the broken humanity that lies just beyond in the depth of their eyes. 

i want those i love to know how much i love them.

stop.

if you want to join in, the instructions are below.



5 minute friday rules:
1. write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. link back here and invite others to join in.
3. please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them.

if you write a 5 minute friday, let me know.  i would love to visit your blog and read your heart.


charis

it's a very special day

can someone please tell me how this sweet little one is now two?!  (by the way, isn't this a brilliant photograph?  my sister myriah is so artistic. having a photog in the family is priceless.)

last year i wrote a letter to my sweet simeon.

this year i want to just celebrate this very special day with a couple things i specifically love about him.  it is amazing that even having 5 boys, each of them is so different and unique!

things i love about simeon:

 

1. he talks sooooo much!  i crack up at the funny little things he says - like "oh...my....goo(d)ness!"   the tone of voice he addresses me in sometimes is quite teenager-esk with a drawn out "ma-maaaaaaa."  he lowers his voice and makes it kind of growl-ey when he wants to feel old.  he talks and talks and talks whether people understand him or not - he always has been a communicator.  he sounds like he has a thick german or austrian accent.  (maybe we should teach him german while he has the right sound attacks to learn it well.)

2. he makes me laugh!  this kid is so funny that it is hard to discipline sometimes.  i have to keep a straight face and hide my giggle.

3. he sucks his thumb and holds my hair.  all. the. time.  really, all the time.  just like the above picture.

4. he loves to laugh.  he is always looking for a reason to laugh and be silly and make others laugh too.  his personality can be described by the word: fun.

5. he remembers names.  as a person who struggles remembering names, it is amazing that this little guy comes by it pretty naturally.

6. he looks so much like his daddy.

7. he doesn't sleep well at night yet.  funny thing to say i love about him, but when i think of who he is it just stands out to me.  he is a wonderful little person who happens to not be a good sleeper.

8. he is feisty.  i mean feisty.  he has had more than his fair share of paddles from the choices this feisty side leads him to make.  but even having to steer it and discipline it, i am so excited to see how it plays out in his personality as he grows up.  definitely not a boring little guy.

9. he is a mama's boy.  i know there will come a day when he starts to prefer his daddy and naturally "cut the apron strings" to become a man, but i am cherishing it while i can.

10. he is mine.  i just love this kid and he has added so much life, noise, and personality to this family.

happy birthday my sweet simba, simi, simboliya, simeon jacob boy.  i love you very much!

charis

wanting a fresh encounter

i am sitting in the prayer room at the international house of prayer in kansas city.  i cannot describe to you the feelings i have surging through my blood - in so many ways it feels like i have come home.  i am not sure if that makes sense really; i am not from the midwest.  it isn't really the location that feels like home to me, but the atmosphere of constant worship and prayer.  though we oversee a house of prayer back home, there is just something about just being here and not being responsible for anything other than being with God.  it is so refreshing.  i am struggling with the right words to write so i guess that is just how i will put it - refreshing.

our house of prayer is in a lot of transition and we don't have a building right now to meet for our regular prayer meetings.  i am realizing so much right now how much i miss it - that sacred place to go to just meet with the Lord.  He is moving in the midst of our community, no doubt, but i miss the gathering where everything else stops for the one thing of coming before Him.  no teaching, no conversations, no other thing but gazing upon Him and waiting on Him.  so refreshing.  it stirs my heart even more to just wait on Him and to listen to what He is saying. 

i am wanting to hear Him speak to me.  i feel like there is so much that has transpired in our lives over the past several weeks that He had my attention.  i need to hear His voice.  i want to encounter Him fresh and new.  i have already had many tears spill in the couple days here.

view taking off from vegas

the journey to get here with 5 kids was a bit intense - the kids were amazing with the full day of travel and we didn't lose anyone in the 4 airports we were at that day!  success right?!  no major meltdowns really either.

when we got into kc a couple hours late from delayed planes the place we rented a car from was closed and they didn't have our car there (though the lady on the phone told me it would be even with us getting in late).  in fact, they didn't have any cars there at all - a completely empty lot!

the only place open at 3am took pity on this little family of seven with sleepy kiddos and after watching us on the phones trying to figure something out, unsuccessfully, offered us this beauty for the price of an economy car.

yep, that is a good ole 12 seater.  isn't that crazy?!  these rent for much more than the minivan we rented and we ended up getting it for cheaper than we had paid originally.  crazy huh?  it was the only vehicle there that would fit our family.  otherwise, we could have been stuck at the airport for who knows how much longer.

we arrived at the house we are staying at 5:45am... so bedtime was 6am after the sunrise.  yikes!  but we made it and the kids passed with flying colors!  they were so great.

so here we are in kc.  if you think of it, would you pray that i hear from the Lord?  i have some things on my heart and i would love to encounter Him fresh.  thank you so much!

love you all.

charis

it's time to get really really real

it's time to get really really real right now.  buckle your seat belts.

i am acutely aware right now of my own humanity.  frailty.  brokenness.

a friend told me to listen to one of my favorite songs tonight while reading her blog and i encourage you to do the same reading mine. 

things have been happening.  nothing extremely devastating.  oh believe me i have had those times.  everything, however, has been somewhat life altering. 

and i have had this stress, this anxiety, in my shoulders like a burden across my back that i had to carry.  the weight of the world, if you will.  my little world.

i am no super mom.  having 5 kids is hard.  it is exhausting.

- having 1 kid is exhausting.  let's all be honest about that one. - 

but i am exhausted... near tears and yet too tired to cry.  it isn't the kids who are wearing on me.  sure they have their own rough moments.  it is just all this tiredness and the little things that happen on top of it.

for example...

 a chicken falling over dead in her sleep and finding her in the yard.  no explanation. 

tires that won't wear evenly and spending 7 hours last week over multiple days in car repair shop waiting rooms. 

my computer dying and being left wondering how i lived organized without using my computer - i feel paralyzed in the simple tasks of managing my own home (or blogging for that matter). 

i know that simply reading my blog can skew your perspective of me as a normal human full of frailty and brokenness.  let me shatter that image right now and let you know that i am having a hard time just like you are having or have had yourself.  i find myself crying out to the Lord, why am i so shaken? 

the song popped into my head today on Christ the solid rock i stand, all other ground is sinking sand and i realized:  if i am feeling so shaken by so much these days, might i have some sand still in my foundation when i had hoped was only built on Him? 

...and tears fill my eyes at the revelation of my own fallenness.

it is the Holy Spirit's mercy to reveal this to me, but pains my heart to see it so.  i build upon the Rock, and yet somewhere i started trusting in other things as well and when those things shifted my trust got shaky. 

at some point while i was trusting Him to be my Lord and Savior, i started wanting to take the reigns of my life and felt the pressure to save myself.

...and i am not a very good savior.

once again i am crying out for the grace to lean upon my Beloved.  it isn't that these fairly normal life circumstances caused the turmoil in my soul.  the turmoil has always been there lying undisturbed and hidden from even me.  the circumstances just give me an opportunity to see what was already in my heart and be able to cry out for Him to be my Everything.

there are no super christians.  no matter what you think of the amazing preacher, the encouraging blogger, or the "super mom" who seems to have it all together, the truth of the matter is we are all weak and all in need of the One who remains the same when everything else is shaken.

be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  and the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.  

the things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.  but i rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at last you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned before, but you lacked opportunity.  not that i speak from want, for i have learned to be content in whatever circumstances i am.  

i know how to get along with humble means, and i also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance i have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.  

i can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  philippians 4:6-13

i need the peace of God to guard my heart and my mind.  right now.  i pray this peace also guards you as well and that He is the firm foundation on which your house is built.  let Him deal with the faults in our foundations now so that we will stand firm in the shaking to come.  He is faithful to use these present trials to refine us, shape us, and draw us to Himself.

 charis

15 things that i love

in honor of the day of my birth, i want to share with you a few of my favorite things.  though not an all inclusive list, these are some things i truly do love (not necessarily in any order, though the hubby does get the top billing that he is due).

1. my wonderful hubby bill.  yes, i think we were wiping my kiss off, or was it my lip gloss?  regardless, my purple hair rocked and so does my husband of ten years.

above two pictures by myriah grubbs photography

 

2. baby feet.  i love them.  like, maybe way too much.  maybe that is why i keep having babies. (wink, wink)

3. the ocean.  pretty much any body of water will do something inside this heart of mine, but there is something extra special about the ocean.

4. this lovely instrument called a piano.  my mom made me take lessons when i was a kid, through me liking it then not liking it, practicing then not practicing, wanting to quit then so thankful that i didn't!!! (thank you mommy!!)  these beautiful ivories are my connecting place with the Lord more often than not.

5. the Word - and i love that i have a bible that is in english and spanish... and that it was a gift from my husband when i first met him. 

6. baby lips.  kissable. loveable. eatable. baby. lips.  tell me you can't resist either.

7. homegrown tomatoes.  my homegrown tomatoes.  i love gardening and eating from the garden.

8. knitting.  there is something soothing in the rhythm.  i also always remember that when i read a tale of two cities my sophomore year of high school i decided i wanted to knit.  it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

9. singing.  writing music.  recording my music.  someday i will record a cd of my music for you to enjoy.

10. tulips.  my favorite flower.  then comes roses and calla lilies as close seconds.  but there is just something about a tulip that gets me every time.

11. fireworks!  i love the crash.  i love the lights.  i love the glitter falling from the sky.  i hoped simeon, who was due in july, would be born on the 4th so i could tell him that the fireworks were for his birthday every year.  he waited and was both the 16th.  oh well!  but... he did start walking on the 4th of july.  i told him the fireworks were in honor of him walking.  we will go with it til he is too old to believe me.  aw, beautiful fireworks!

12. creating.  i have had so much fun finding a new creative side of me that i didn't know i had... i have always been a musician.  i have been an actress.  i have been a writer.  i have been a painter.  i have been a cook (an artist in the kitchen you may say since i can't follow a recipe but have to make it my own and create as i go).  but to create with my hands and a bit of yarn?  well, this is still fairly new to me and i am loving it.

13. did i mention that i love baby feet?  aw, the love is welling up inside right now.

above picture by myriah grubbs photography

14. i love blogging.  i love my readers - those who comment and those who just read that i may never know. 

15. much much more!  i love my family, my kiddos (all 5 of these boys!), my church community, my Savior, and all that God gives me every single day.  i am incredibly blessed and celebrate another year of knowing the goodness of God.  there is so much to be thankful for!


still counting gifts to 1000...


629 - 653:

629. fun new colorful yarn to make a gift for a friend.

630. tandem nursing going well.

631. hubby working hard to clean the tons of pollen from our roof, driveway, yard, and street - it looked like tumble weeds.

632. wednesday night date nights with or without a babysitter... kids in bed and blackberry cobbler in the oven.

633. the bad dream was only a dream and not real life.

634. the opportunity to use a very broken area of my life to encourage a friend who is struggling.

635. fresh squeezed orange juice.

636. time to celebrate my siblings birthdays.

637. learning psalm 5 as a family and getting to teach the boys the old chorus that is the 1st couple verses.

638. brightly colored flowers blooming on the front porch.

639. a freshly mowed lawn.

640. the hens started laying eggs again after mourning their lost sister.

641. reading the book of acts and having the stories come alive.

642. listening to my little ones go to sleep listening to the book of the revelation of Jesus on cd.

643. God's provision for us.

644. clean water to drink whenever i want.

645. cuddles with my simeon.

646. a kitchen to create in.

647. the pinched nerve in my shoulder is finally loose.  feels so much better.

648. cute new baby clothes - feels like i am dressing up a baby doll.

649. a garden in a pot - a thoughtful gift from a gardening friend who knew i haven't had time to plant my garden this year.

650. more meals brought by friends and leftovers for lunches.

651. another year and more thankful than ever before.

652. bbq at the lake with family.

653. grace to memorize the Word.


i am linked up at a holy experience.

if you have a blog, let me know if you have a list of your grace gifts so i can visit!  if you don't, write something you are thankful for in the comment section.  i love hearing from you!

if you haven't liked this facebook page, you can to the upper right of this post.  i would love to keep in better touch with you!

charis

i wouldn't trade it

what a week and a half it has been!  even with all the tiredness and blurred together days, i wouldn't trade it for the world!

still counting gifts to 1000...

602 - 628:

602. nice weather to go on a walk.

603. flowers starting to bloom.

604. a clean bedroom and organized closet.

605. my rocking chair is finally fixed.

606. two beautiful sour dough loaves fresh from the oven.

607. the boys playing football in our front yard.

608. the gentle coo of the mourning dove.

609. God's patience with me.

610. red tulips.

611. my new baby boy.

612. the best of my 5 labors.

613. water birth.

614. meals made with love and brought to us by friends and family.

615. help cleaning the house - humbling and yet such a practical gift for the tired mama.

616. fresh flowers in vases in the living room.

617. blue skies and warmer weather.

618. time to celebrate hosea's birth with people i love.

619. i called on Your name, o Lord, out of the lowest pit.  You have heard my voice, "do not hide Your ear from my prayer for relief, from my cry for help."  You drew near when i called on You; You said, "do not fear!"  lamentations 3:55-57

620. in the midst of the hard stuff, you draw near to me and trade my fear for peace.

621. a good doctor's report for a loved one - an answer to prayer!

622. an old praise song i haven't heard for 20 years coming to mind in a hard moment - the Holy Spirit turning me once again towards worshiping Jesus.

623. a helpful husband in the midst of a huge transition.

624. an amazing nurse for labor who was not only a believer, but goes to my church!

625. the kids are making the transition with the new baby well and have made room in their hearts to love our new little one - even simeon!

626. baby feet.

627. baby lips.

628. baby sighs.

i am linked up at a holy experience.

if you have a blog, let me know if you have a list of your grace gifts so i can visit!  if you don't, write something you are thankful for in the comment section.  i love hearing from you!

if you haven't liked this facebook page, you can in the upper right of this post.  i would love to keep in better touch with you!

charis