when expectations come crashing down

yesterday... our second family picture of the six of us.  last one was when simeon was 3 weeks old.

i had high expectations for today.  today, however, did not turn out the way i was hoping it would.  i don't know if it was the wind outside, the crash from the sugar high yesterday, the change in routine with all the kids home, or maybe none of us got quite enough sleep and woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  whatever the reasons that i may never know, i found myself already looking forward to tomorrow and starting over again before it was even noon.

in the midst of 4 little people who are not being fun to be with and a stuffy head and sneezy nose clouding my mental processing abilities, i was sorely lacking in the fourth fruit of the spirit.   and yet, i was not unaware of the struggle inside of myself - something that often i don't notice until after the fact.

all day long i have felt weak, broken, impatient, disappointed... frustrated with my inability to make lemonade from the lemons before me.  i am poor in spirit. 

and as my recent prayers have centered around asking for the Lord to teach me humility, this very day may be an answer to my prayers.  the first step towards humility is seeing my own poverty of spirit - my own lack to do it all in my own strength.

for it is then i cry out for Him to come meet me.

blessed are those...

in the midst of it all, the tough days right along side the shining ones, there is always the grace that i need. sometimes what i am lacking are the eyes to see it.  He is the God of more than enough and He gives to me over and over again so that thankfulness can overflow everyday.  i learn to say thanks for days like today when i take one more step towards knowing Him.  i will say like the apostle james that i count it all joy.

105 - 123:

105. soft, rolly, chunky baby arms and legs.

106. little boys in white polo shirts and plaid.

107. the God-Man who died on the cross for me.

108. an empty tomb on a sunday morning.

109. sweet organic grape tomatoes.

110. green knitting needles.

111. a finished fence in the backyard!

112. my amazing canon camera that i record the memories of life with... still amazed that it is mine.

113. breaking the bread and drinking the cup tonight with my husband and 4 boys.

114. confessing my sin before my children - one step closer to living a life of humility.

115. the opportunity to pray and talk to the Eternal God.

116. leaves starting to cover the trees with green and more green.

117. the whirring sounds of the dishwasher.

118. my five year old spelling out, "i   l-o-v-e   y-o-u   m-o-m" on his way to bed.  makes me smile and the hardness of the day melts.

119. songs about Jesus.

120. enjoying the ones God chose for me as siblings and the spouses they chose to add to my list of siblings.

121. sitting behind my parents at church and watching them both hold their two youngest grandbabies asleep.

122. chocolate.  

123. knowing that tomorrow is another day.  His mercies are new every morning.


i am linked up at a holy experience.  thank you for all who visit just to read my list of gifts.  i always love hearing what my readers are thankful for as well.

what has He given to you?

charis

life more abundant

as i laid in bed last night thinking about the proposed national health care plan and after looking myself over the actual literal wording of the bill, which reads very much like the fine print in any insurance plan almost purposely written so the layman can't understand much or will tire of reading it, i thought many of my readers have no context for my concern with the way people die. i know that i have readers of this blog from all different backgrounds, beliefs (both politically and religiously), and contexts of relationships with me. though i am really trying to become a more transparent and vulnerable person, i have not normally allowed people a window to look into the most personal places of my heart. here is an attempt to put my concerns about a national health care plan that legalizes euthanasia in context and share a little about my personal life journey.

i used to have a count of how many people i knew and how many people close to me had died. i have lost count in recent years, not because of a slow down in cases, but because i just got tired of counting. i would like to share a couple instances that may relate to euthanasia and my concern for the government being involved in end of life plans and a national health care system that decides the value of a person getting treatment in terms of dollars and cents.

the first story i want to share a bit with you happened when i was only 14 years old. i was at a new year's eve church youth group party when a family friend came and picked me up from the church to take me home telling me that my two teenage boy cousins had been in a car accident. i prayed the whole way home for them, knowing it was serious enough for him to come get me but not knowing any details. when i got home, but parents were not there but up at the hospital. my 12 year old brother and sister were there, and my 12 year old brother had decided he wanted to be the one to tell me that my 16 year old cousin was already dead. i was of course completely rocked in a way i don't want to get into detail about right now, but i was also told that my 14 year old cousin was on life support up at the hospital.

i spent the next 3 days up at the hospital almost 24/7 without sleeping, praying for my cousin to be healed and to come out of his coma. there was a roller coaster of emotions - doctors saying we should just pull the plug because he was brain dead, then tests coming back saying he was in fact not brain dead, bad reports on his vitals, increasingly good progress of improvement on his vitals, until at one point after so much improvement he decided to go be with his brother and Jesus and his life here on earth ended while still hooked up to machines. i can never quite explain how much this experience of losing my two close cousins affected me... i am still finding ways i never realized now 16 years later.

nine years later in the same month of january, i sat in my grandpa's room holding his hand and talking to him while he was in and out of a coma while he fought a terminal cancer with an inoperable tumor. i was 9 months pregnant and had spent most of my pregnancy over at his house with him both praying for healing and being with this man i admired and loved. before my first baby was born and before he passed away into the next life, i had him lay hands on my belly and bless my first born son. it still pains me that he died only 3 weeks before asher was born and was so close to being able to meet him and hold him. one of the biggest honors i have ever had, however, was to be with him the moment he died. you see, i was so impacted by his life, not just his life before finding out he had pancreatic cancer, but even by how he lived his life with this terrible disease and how he held his heart before the Lord so humbly and so full of faith up unto the moment he died. while he wasn't seeing the miracle in his own life, he would pray for and encourage others he knew struggling with different issues in their lives that we must choose to believe God at all costs. he was a man of God up unto the very point of death and led a life very worth living.

two and a half years later i sat in a hospital room, with my 2nd baby strapped to me in a sling, surrounded by my family as my other grandpa died from congestive heart failure. he battled it and the effects of it for the entire year proceeding his death, which happened to be my entire second pregnancy. he was in and out of the hospital receiving treatments that may or may not work, may or may not lengthen his life or improve his condition, but he received them and we were there with him every step of the way loving him and praying for his healing and health. once again, even though there was no way of me being in the hospital around the clock with two little boys, i was honored to be in the room the very moment my pop slipped into eternity with Jesus. it is the strangest thing to describe, but i remember the very song that was playing when he died... i had never heard it before that day but it spoke of heaven and the angels singing praises to God. it was an amazingly peaceful moment, though my heart ached that my pop would not see my kids grow up. my pop was an amazing man - a heart fully devoted to his family and he had so many times given to me in times of need, had spent many hours of prayer before the Father for me and my family, and had made countless sacrifices so that i could grow up in a family that he never had - one who knew and loved the Lord.

i hear the rhetoric from politicians and political commentators about death with dignity or quality of life. i would like to share that from my experience that part of life is how you die. life doesn't end the moment you are diagnosed with a terminal illness, whether you have supernatural healing in this life or not. quality of life does not end the moment you slip into a coma. dying from chosing, by your own choice or by a physician's, to not walk through the dark valleys of struggle is not dying with dignity. walking through life with your eyes fixed on Jesus no matter the circumstances around you and chosing to cling to hope regardless of what may be the present trouble - that is death with dignity. life is worth living and the way you die says a lot about the way you choose to live.

did any of the three stories i shared have someone who didn't deserve the chance to live the entirety of their life to the very end of their days? national health care, especially one with such broad openness to euthanasia says some lives are more worth living than others. that simply is not true. should a 35 year old get the treatment and not the 75 year old because we have a health care system that forces doctors to choose who they will treat? should someone in a government office be able to decide whether the plug is pulled on life support because they think it costs too much money and they deem the life not worth living? is not the last season of life as valuable as the first? it is easy to be allured by the idea of free health care, but the reality is that nothing is ever free. we will pay for it in one way or another and hopefully will not give over the choice of the viability of a life to the government in the meantime. some may think i am paranoid and extremist. that is fine. it does not bother me if you think so.

i have personal life experiences that affect how i view these questions and issues. i have friends walking through life and death struggles right now with diseases that modern medicine declares no hope for. just as i have been blessed to be with loved ones when they died, i have also been blessed to personally know and see some who were given no hope by modern medicine still alive today completely disease free because they were miraculously healed by God. i believe we do have hope. i believe in a God who both heals the sick and raises the dead, but also has redeemed even death when He laid down His life for us. death where is your sting? grave where is your victory? He came to bring us life, and life more abundant. every life is worth living from the very first moment until the last.

charis

if

if My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 2 chronicles 7:14

why would the people of God need to humble ourselves? why do we need to pray? if our sins are already paid for in full by the blood of Jesus, why should we still repent? what does it mean to seek His face? this passage is the key for the one thing the church talks the most about and sees the littlest of - revival. it is a call to relationship. it is a call to a time when the presence of the Lord will come and never again leave, not even for a moment. i heard two amazing sermons sunday out of what i consider to be two of the most influential churches in the nation, ihop in kansas city and bethel in redding, and both were on this passage in the Bible. i do not think it was an accident at all.


God isn't meant to be a part or my life or an addition to my life. He is my life. in a relationship, there are things that we sacrifice in order to make time to pursue the deepening of the relationship. when i was dating bill, i was working in the days, taking teaching credentialing classes at night, doing homework somewhere in between, and i was exhausted. yet, i was in love with this man and i made sacrifices of time to be with him. it didn't feel like a sacrifice for what i was getting in return. there is so much to know of God, so much beyond what we could ever know of another person, that the knowledge of Him is inexhaustible. just like in any relationship we desire to pursue growth in, we must exchange the things that gave us pleasure at one time in order to get pleasure that is so much sweeter. it seems pretty silly that i would rather spend time watching a tv show or eating chocolate than with my husband who wants to be with me and loves me more than anyone else i know, but that is exactly what we all do when it comes to the Lord. i have even been known to find things i don't enjoy doing, like laundry, cleaning, paying bills, and even cutting my toe nails, to avoid spending time with the One who loves me more than any man possibly could. how crazy does it sound even though we all know we do it!

humanism. i will write more on this another time, but let me just say that it is more dangerous to the reality of knowing the Lord than any of the major religions of the world. the basis of humanism is simply living for myself and my desires first. the deep root of it, that no one would probably admit they believe about themselves, though they live like it, is the belief that man is God. the world revolves around us, the point of life is to satisfy all our desires and cravings, and even God lives only to please our wants and needs. what a sneaky lie that has not only convinced so many that they have no need for God, but has even lulled those of us who love Him to sleep instead of really pursuing knowing Him. it is so difficult to guard ourselves against it when it permeates most of our entertainment and life all around us. i believe this is the major roadblock to revival. this is what the people of God need to repent from in order to be able to really seek His face like 2 chronicles describes.

what is revival? is it many people who have never known God coming to experience Him, encounter Him, and follow Him? is it healings and miracles? signs and wonders? i believe these above things really do accompany true revival, but the word revival can only apply to bringing life to something that once had life and doesn't any more. i believe this word revival is really about awakening the hearts of believers that have been lulled to sleep by the cares and lusts of this world, humanism, and reviving that fiery passion for God that is willing to lay aside anything, even the neutral or good things of this life, to make the time to really know Him and experience Him. when the world sees a people who would give up anything to experience more of this God and His love, they will come to taste and see that God is good. who is this that is so amazing that He makes the pleasures of this life not worth the time they take? when we are letting go of all the other legitimate pleasures because of the single focus of obtaining more of Him, He will release such a power that has never been seen before, signs and wonders like in the days of moses, and that will get the attention of those who didn't think they needed a relationship with God. then there will be the ultimate fulfilment of the greater works than these promise because we will be made into a people that look just like His Son.

seriously i know it is offensive when it pushed the buttons of our own favorite pleasures, but we spend more time, and by we i am including myself, in front of the tv watching entertainment, surfing the internet and checking our facebook accounts, eating food, socializing and networking, and so many other things that are even considered very godly things like pursuing careers, developing our talents, ministering for God, than pursuing the Lord Himself. we dull the ache in our hearts that would push us into Him with all this other stuff and we quiet the voice of the Holy Spirit which says, "seek my face, seek His face..." i alone know how many times i have felt the pull inside to spend time seeking the Lord, reading the Word, praying, worshipping and how many times i have turned to something easier that never really brought the fulfillment i was wanting. so many times! even as this is burning in my heart, i know that i will do it again this week! it pushes my buttons too.

are all these other things really worth it? i am not talking about sin lifestyles, though it is sad that many in the church are not willing to give those up either, but about just the things that take up so much time and energy. is this what He has given us freedom for? do we have freedom so we can pursue the pleasures of this world that never really satisfy, but leave a dull empty feeling when it is all said and done? i hear so much talk about the freedom we have as believers and i believe in this freedom. i know without this freedom the Lord gives i would not even be alive today. what i often question is why did He give us this freedom and what do we do with it?

i have the same temptations as everyone else, and i know how painful it is when i decide to spend my time and energies seeking the Lord rather than i usually do just trying to entertain myself. feeling the ache inside of not being entertained and seeking Him instead is the whole reason for a regular lifestyle of fasting and fasting in secret. let me suggest that we are not grouchy when we fast because we are hungry. we are grouchy because of the ache inside that we finally allow ourselves to feel for just a moment. the ache was always there, we just dulled it with other pleasures... many times very legitimate pleasures that were put here by God for us to enjoy. however, there is the invitation to have a greater pleasure in Him and that is where we have to decide if experiencing the pain of changing the way we spend our time is worth the reward of knowing Him deeper than we could have ever known any other way.

this is what He gave us freedom for - so we could have the ability to choose Him first when there are so many other options that are legitimate and many times even put there by Him. all the way back in the garden of eden He put the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, never intending for man to partake in it. it was always meant to be our choice. He will not make us love Him or choose Him. i want so badly to see a move of God like i have never seen but always longed for to come to, not only the world but to the country i live in. we so badly need a move of God now unlike ever before. so many people i know and i care about do not see their need for God. so often we have turned to politicians to fix our problems and blame everyone around us except ourselves for the state of our lives. we blame "the world," instead of looking at ourselves.

He is longing for us to come to Him to fix our problems. He is waiting for us to desire growing in humility like His Son. He longs for us to turn to Him and learn how to pray. He is the good Father who longs to unleash His love on us if we would just turn to Him in repentance and say we need Him. He is calling for us to seek His face so that we may find Him and know Him and experience His love. He is a good God who cares for us and will forgive us when we come to Him and He desires to heal our land. revival is His plan and His desire. it is our choice when.

charis

a vision for fullness of joy

if you haven't read my blog on humility, click here to read it first.

leadership is an invitation to mistreatment- allen hood from a teaching on growing through mistreatment.

for the past year or so i have been on a personal journey to grow in humility and meekness. i have a favorite teacher on the subject named alan hood, an intercessory missionary out at kansas city ihop. this is not a favorite subject of mine because it is an area of strength. the above quote is from a teaching my husband had me listen to a little over a year ago that so challenged my entire way of thinking that i listened to it 4 times in a row.

you can actually find the teaching and many more on the theme online for free at websites such as ihopkcfreeonlinearchive.ning.com mike bickle, the founder of kansas city international house of prayer, says that his copyright policy is the right to copy. so go look around and listen to many great teachings. i personally recommend anything allen has taught on about christology and series such as the sweet aroma of meekness and growing through mistreatment.

my interest in the topic of humility wasn't birthed by some introspective sin-searching mission or any masochistic kind of approach to knowing God. funny that i have to even preface the topic with that disclaimer, but in our circles of Christianity the subject of humility is not a popular one. i actually was having this unquenchable longing for joy. i was no longer satisfied with being happy and having the feeling come and go as it pleased. i, naturally as a female, am prone to a roller coaster of emotions. when dating my husband i warned him, since he grew up in a home of 6 boys and no girls, that i was not even any normal girl amount of emotions, but much much more sensitive and emotional. even though i cry at least once almost every single day these emotions are not all negative, but i feel very deeply the sweetness, sadness, and all the other feelings of life. all that to say, i have grown tired of the ups and downs of emotions. i don't want to be an emotionless robot, but just more anchored. i had grown very attracted to the description of Jesus and how He walked in the fullness of joy. on this new search and fascination with the fullness of joy that Jesus possessed, my husband suggested i listen to this teaching on growing through mistreatment.

i do not feel like i have the words to adequately articulate what i am learning right now. i may write more and better on this subject at a later date, but the one big thing i have found is this direct link between growing in humility and real joy. humility is the key to the the kind of joy that doesn't go away based on moods or emotions. allen hood seems to have such a way of describing in a way that just makes sense how humility is the key to real freedom as a believer and how being free from anyone owing me anything is the starting place of tasting a joy that will never disappoint me. as i sit here and ponder how to explain the way this topic has caused my heart to come alive, i just want to urge anyone reading to take the time to listen to these rich rich teachings by him. i have gone back many times in the past year to listen to these truths again and again. after being so moved this week by my emotions and hurt by the words and actions of people, i am stirred to get renewed vision in my journey. i want vision for my life down the line being completely free and full of joy and actually being able to live from the place of humility.

also, although it isn't the easiest read, i highly recommend the book humility by andrew murray. there is so much meat to chew on in this book! i have learned the importance of valuing the attribute with which Jesus most often described Himself. this book has some great insight on the value of humility and imparting a desire to obtain it.

one huge thing i have learned this past year is that my best efforts and striving are not going to make me the least bit more humble. more than anything i get more frustrated with my lack of it when i try in my own strength to be humble in my interactions. i have found that gazing on the humility of Jesus is the only thing that is going to transform me into His image. as i read the Bible, both about His 33 years here on the earth and then also all that was written about Him before His birth as well as after His ascension, i meditate on the attribute of humility in this man who is fully God. i mean, He is God. we often talk of how He washed the disciples feet, but even the mere act of becoming a man was the ultimate act of humility. as i wrote before: humility is not weakness, it is strength restrained by choice. when i can see Him as He is, the humble image of an all powerful God, i have vision for fullness in my life and living in the fullness of joy.

and so, i sit here and consider this virtue so long overlooked. it is the key to freedom, joy, and is so highly valued by God. teach my heart to value what You value.

charis

fasting part 2

as i promised a while back, i am planning on writing a series on fasting on here. if you haven't read fasting part 1, click here to read it first. maybe some of this will be included in my future book. who knows?! as i have said before, i am on a journey and have committed to share what i do have to give along the way, though i know that i will learn more and more as i continue to press into the Lord.

in fasting part 1, i shared some about my history with fasting, my own ups and downs, and personal motivations i have had in even attempting this journey of developing this area of my life with God. because of the many many times that i mess up in attempts at fasting, i find that i have to remind myself often of the why of fasting in secret. i am going to attempt to share with you some of the reasons i have found to helpful in keeping on in something i am not very naturally good at doing.

i have found fasting in secret to always sound like such a good idea the night before i start a fast day. i can feel my heart excited about pressing into the Lord. the excitement i feel in my spirit reminds me of the excitement that i feel on christmas eve anticipating the delight on the faces of my kids as they open up presents. there is something so rewarding in knowing that you are giving a gift that will bring delight to the recipient. it is worth all the sacrifice it may take to make the gift possible when you know what your loved one is desiring.

God is very clear over and over again in both the old and new testaments that He desires us to draw near to Him, even in the specific act of fasting. He is also very clear that He desires to draw near to those who are broken and contrite in spirit. i don't know of anything else that will produce more real brokenness inside of a person than denying oneself of the substance that gives energy, mental clarity, and delight.

the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. psalm 51:17

though God uses all brokenness in our life to draw us nearer to Him, there seems to be something unique about voluntary brokenness or weakness. there are so many things in life that make us weak, but when we chose weakness in the times that we could be strong, we are imitating the life of His Son. it is the definition of humility that i have described before - not weakness, but strength restrained for a purpose. when we willingly choose to make ourselves weak, i know may sound bizarre, it delights the Father's heart because it is a testimony of the sacrifice Jesus made not only in His death, but in the entirety of His life. philippians 2 is one of my favorite passages to meditate on when considering this man Jesus. He humbled Himself. He emptied Himself. He did not grasp; quite different than the first adam who ate the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil so that He may be like God.

and, because of His voluntary weakness, He is exalted by the Father forever. He pleased the heart of the Father and we have the opportunity only in this life to choose voluntary weakness like our Savior. you see, the day is coming when every knee will bow, every tongue in heaven, hell, and on the earth will recognize Jesus as Lord. but to choose to enter into drinking His cup with Him, the cup of humility, we have something we can only give Him in this life. in the chapter of our lives after death it will no longer be a struggle to choose loving the Lord with our whole hearts, but here we have so many things we have available to dull the struggle to give Him all of us. i don't think that not eating food makes us struggle. i think temporarily denying ourselves of food, which is not evil in itself at all but a blessing from the Lord, reveals the struggles in our heart that are always there which we just aren't always aware of when we can control the quality of the circumstances around us. in 2 corinthians 12:9 paul said:

and He has said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." most gladly, therefore, i will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

the life of voluntary weakness is not a life a God that is void of His power; on the contrary, it is the life in which He can most display the wonders of His glorious power because we are not going to grasp at it for our own gain or advancements.

fasting in secret does something different in our hearts than any other forms of fasting. i recently attended a bible study on the song of songs. in chapter 8, the beloved says of her lover:

oh that you were like a brother to me
who nursed at my mother's breasts.
if i found you outdoors,
i would kiss you;
no one would despise me, either.
i would lead you and bring you
into the house of my mother, who used to instruct me;
i would give you spiced wine to drink
from the juice of my pomegranates.

at the bible study we discussed how there is something so powerful to a secret life with the Lord. just as there are intimate aspects of marriage that are not shared with all, there are aspects of my life with God that are to be just between Him and me. it is special, sacred, and cultivates a deep deep love to have a secret place with the Lord that everyone else does not know about. the fasting in secret is something that i can give to Him alone. although it could win me esteem in the eyes of men and influence here on earth, i can choose to make myself weak and vulnerable in His eyes alone, move the heart of God, and gain more that i could have ever gained with man.

the interesting twist i have found about the pain of fasting in secret was a surprise to me. i expected to feel the pain of not getting the positive recognition for my efforts to pursue the Lord. what i did not expect was the pain i would feel when i struggled and gave into my flesh and kept that part secret before the Lord as well. how real is the pain of not being able to make it through one day of fasting and having no one to reassure me that i am okay! to share the awareness of one's own poverty of spirit with God alone is a dynamic that is so so powerful! the new levels of intimate dependency on the Lord and the love for His very near and real mercy toward me make this part of the secret life so priceless. it is like the beatitudes in matthew 5:

blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

when we are aware of our own spiritual poverty, we are able to receive His kingdom. when we share with Him alone our inability to love Him the way we desire to love Him, He is the One who draws so near to us to comfort us. when we chose humility and meekness just like He did, we will inherit the earth along with Him - co-heirs with Christ. this voluntary brokenness will stir in us a real hunger and thirst for righteousness. He promised that when we come to this place of deep spiritual hunger because of our own emptiness He will fill us with all we are desiring. The awareness of our inability to love Him without Him giving us that love to pour out on Him draws mercy out of us towards others who struggling in their walks with Him. the dynamic in giving mercy is amazing - the more we give, the more we will receive from Him; the more aware we are of our need for His mercy in our own lives, the more we will desire to give it to others. what an amazing journey Jesus laid out for us in growing in love with Him.

each step of the way there lies a reward waiting for us on the other side. in luke 18:29-30 when the disciples told Jesus all they had given up voluntarily in order to follow Him, He promised:

"i tell you the truth," Jesus said to them, "no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life."

i believe the same is true with fasting - we cannot out give God! over and over again in matthew 6 Jesus described the Father as the rewarder of what is done in secret! the amazing thing is the Father often gives us a choice of where we will receive our reward. we can receive the reward in full here on earth, which looks like the esteem and recognition of man, or we can voluntarily choose to cultivate the secret life with Him and store up for ourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal (matthew 6:20) i know how hard it is to not give in to the desire for the reward here in the seen rather than wait for it in what is still unseen for us, but this is why i must encourage my own heart regularly! He is El Roi, the God who sees! if i can learn to value what is unseen to others, how much more will i gain from Him forever and ever and ever!

the last reason for fasting in secret that i wanted to share a bit about is how it causes us to grow in authority and humility in equal measures. there are very real promises of authority reserved for those who seek Him in fasting and prayer. in matthew 17 Jesus spoke of a type of authority that came in healing and deliverance only with much fasting and prayer. the humility it takes to choose growing in faith through fasting and praying in the secret place draw the favor of the Father. He can trust those who are not out to make themselves famous, but make famous the name of His Son and humble servant Jesus.

charis

humility

i love that there are 4 gospels written by 4 different men. they each saw an angle on the life and teachings of Jesus and each chose from so many stories and events exactly what they felt moved by the Holy Spirit to emphasize.

i think it is so interesting in my recent reading of the gospel according to luke that the first story he chose to write on, the only gospel writer who included a story giving us a glimpse of Jesus as a child, was one on His humility.

in luke 2 we read about one of the many times when Jesus and his family went to Jerusalem for the feast of passover. luke mentions that Jesus was 12 years old, which i think is very significant to his story. we know that Jesus was strong; He was filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon Him. (luke 2:40) He already was no ordinary child. as much as Jesus was fully man, He was at the same time fully God.

in the hustle and bustle of a busy celebration in the capitol city of jerusalem, it is not hard for me as a parent of 3 young boys to imagine mary and joseph losing track of young Jesus. in my perspective, they probably assumed He was with another family member, with His brothers, or some of His friends. although my oldest child right now is only 5, i do not imagine them being overly concerned that Jesus would wander off from the group at the age of 12. in fact, luke records that they actually traveled home with their group who came up from nazareth for an entire day before they realized He was missing.

when they got back to jerusalem, probably an entire day of traveling back (making it 2 days without their son at that point), it took them another 3 whole days to track Him down. the panic that would set into any mom's heart at that point would be tremendous. i mean, even though they knew Jesus was the messiah that was promised to come, we have to remember that His parents were just like us with the emotions, fears, and struggles as parents.

in luke 2:46 the story continues:

after three days they found Him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. everyone who heard Him was amazed at His understanding and His answers. When His parents saw Him, they were astonished. His mother said to Him, "son, why have you treated us like this? your father and i have been anxiously searching for you."
"why were you searching for me?" He asked. "didn't you know i had to be in my Father's house?"

it is amazing to me to see that at the young age of 12, before most boys hit puberty, Jesus was filled with so much strength, wisdom, and grace of God that He was ready for public ministry. He was fully God, and yet fully man; so young, and yet so ready. so why do we not read another story of Jesus teaching, ministering, fulfilling His calling in His first coming until He is thirty years old?

but they did not understand what He was saying to them. luke 2:50

mary and joseph, the two parents God the Father entrusted the care of Jesus to did not recognize that He was ready. of all the people in the world who seem to should have seen Jesus for who He was and support what He was going to do as the Messiah that had been promised for ages, it would seem that those closest to Him, his very family, would recognize His wisdom, His annointing, His time. but they did not. they did not understand why He would be in the temple courts and felt that He has disrepected them as His parents. they were hurt by what He had done.

so what did Jesus do? this is the part that blows my mind.

then He went down to nazareth with them and was obedient to them. but his mother treasured all these things in her heart. luke 2:51

of all people, Jesus had the right to do what He was called to do when He was fully able. Jesus, the Son of God, the Messiah, had every right to demand His rights and recognition of man. but He did not demand it. He did not explain Himself to save His reputation. He did exactly what was demanded of Him and His humility was so powerful that it is the only other time it is written of His mother mary that she treasured these things in her heart. He moved the hearts of those who did not give Him recognition, respect, or value His abilities and giftings by choosing to humble Himself and be obedient when He had done no wrong.

Jesus chose to wait another 18 years to go into public ministry because He valued humility and honoring those who God had chosen for Him as His earthly authority. i am so moved by His humility because He didn't have to do it. He did not have to go back to nazareth, where it is recorded people never did recognize Him as any more than the carpenter's son. He chose a life of hiddenness, humility, and servanthood, choosing to give honor instead of demanding honor and He didn't have to do it. He did not retreat home in weakness and shame. no. humility is not weakness, it is strength restrained by choice.

the amazing thing to me is that He did it as so much more than to be an example to me of how to live my life, though i do believe that is true. He chose humility because that is who He is. He is humble. in philippians 2, the apostle paul wrote:

although He existed in the form of God, He did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, {and} being made in the likeness of men. being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. for this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name...

how often in our american culture do we hear it encouraged from anywhere that we should put ourselves on the backseat and allow our strengths and what we have to offer be overlooked? how often are we instead encouraged to show off all that we excel in and to grasp for our place in the spotlight? yet, Jesus is humble in everything He is, and because of His humility God exalted Him. our world does not esteem humility. i know that i personally struggle with esteeming the path of humility in my own life. so many other focuses for my life seem so much more attractive.

luke thought the humility of Jesus so important that it was the very first thing he highlighted about Him. God finds the humility of Jesus so important that He gives Him the highest seat for all eternity and gives Him the name above all names. every knee will bow before Him one day and recognize with the words of our own mouths that this humble man who we would be tempted to despise as weak is the strongest man that exists.

and Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men. luke 2:52

as much as i may never understand how Jesus would need to grow as the Godman, He grew as a direct result of His humility. His humility gained Him favor with God and with men. as we gaze on the humility of Jesus, may we grow in humility in our own lives. teach us to esteem humility as you esteem humility Father, that we would grow in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.

read more on the journey of humility in a vision for fullness of joy

charis

the sweetness of mercy

the familiar picture of God as often torn between His justice and His mercy is altogether false to the facts. to think of God as inclining first toward one and then toward another of His attributes is to imagine a God who is unsure of Himself, frustrated and emotionally unstable, which of course is to say that the one of whom we are thinking is not the true God at all but a weak, mental reflection of Him badly out of focus. 
                                          a w tozer the knowledge of the holy

the beauty of the mercy of God is that i do not deserve it. i cannot earn it. i do not have to downgrade His holiness to receive it. He does not have to put His judgement on hold in order to move in mercy. His justice and mercy are in perfect unity.

i have been thinking about the lyrics to a song by luke wood, a friend of our out in kansas city, missouri serving as an intercessory missionary at the ihop base:

You have known our souls in adversity

when we strive against You

You extend Your hand time and time again

from the heights of glory to the depths of my heart

for You have bound Yourself to man

despite his unfaithfulness

You pour out mercy

You open Your heart

You pour out mercy

to reveal Your heart

all man's empty promises

lie broken at Your feet

but You have never broken one

You open up Your heart

time and time again

my favorite part of that song is in that last section, all man's empty promise lie broken at Your feet but You have never broken one. even though i have failed, continue to fail, and will fail again, He never fails. reminds me of numbers 23:19:

God is not a man, that He should lie, neither the son of man, that he should repent.

as much as i may desire to be righteous, apart from the righteousness of Jesus all the good things i do are filthy rags. i have heard descriptions on what the words filthy rags may be implying, and from what i understand it is not just like a dirty towel, but much more filthy if you understand without getting too descript. we have to repent of our good deeds just as much as from our bad ones.

it is a common temptation in the church in our generation to need to separate the God of israel of the old testament and the God of church in the new testament as two separate Gods. however, Jesus assured us when asked what was the greatest commandment that God is forever the same when He referred to the schema in deuteronomy 6: hear oh israel, the Lord our God is one God. i recently learned that the old testament speaks of the mercy of God more than 4 times as much as the new! He is the same God and to understand His mercy we need to keep the reality of His judgement and righteousness intact, not remove it. if God had to change in anyway in order to give me mercy i cannot rely on it for that would imply He could change at whim again away from mercy. i must believe that He is Himself the same always. tozer said it this way:

if we could remember that the divine mercy is not a temporary mood but an attribute of God's eternal being, we would no longer fear that it will someday cease to be.

God is and forever will be the same. His judgement doesn't stop in order to move in mercy, but He is fully every attribute of Himself at the same time without ever being in contradiction or compromise. tozer put it:

wherever and whenever God appears to men, He acts like Himself.

i have also found it common among those in our generation to downplay our sinful nature as humans in order to make God's goodness and mercy seem more attractive to the lost. do we realize how we cheapen the gospel or the love of God? to be able to to know the reality that i deserve the severity of His judgement because of the splendor of His holiness and righteousness that cannot be near a sinful creature such as myself, then i understand the humility it takes to receive the sweetness of His mercy towards me. if i cannot admit that i deserve judgement, then there is no hope in His mercy. to take a real look at the fact that because i am a man my promises lie broken at His feet, and to still know that He cannot ever lie or break His promise is the most sure hope that exists. even after the redemption of the cross of Jesus, i still need to reflect on my need for mercy, lest i take His sacrifice for granted or downgrade the enormity of my need for mercy. this is the journey towards humility.

and true humility, i believe, lies in the greatest commandment:

hear oh israel, the Lord your God is one God. and you shall love the Lord your God will all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.

to embrace His oneness, to love with all and to cease to be fragmented in my affections toward Him... this is the journey i long to take.

charis

eyes of a child

whoever humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. matthew 18:4

today reminds me of the wonder of the gospel. it is such a simple message, so simple that Jesus often referred to the faith of a child when He spoke of what it took to receive salvation and enter into His kingdom. when i think about the hope that this weekend offers to those who believe, i am reminded at how it can seem like such foolishness to those who still have not chosen to follow Jesus and yet such a simple truth to a child.

we both celebrated passover last night with the feast of unleavened bread, roasted lamb and all, and then celebrated His resurrection today. i have felt a new level of revelation of the wonder of this gift of life and reconciliation to God that Jesus offered in His humility - truly the greatest of all becoming the least for my sake. as we broke the matzo bread last night, i remembered His words, "this is My Body, broken for you." as we poured the cup, "this is My Blood of the new covenant..." to think that God put the passover sedar in place for all that time before He sent Jesus as a prophecy of what He would do for us, what He would become for us. such simplicity and yet so hidden without childlike eyes.

and so, during this season of remembrance of His death and resurrection, let us all become more childlike and grow in the wonder of the gospel. the good news.

He has risen. He has risen indeed.

side note: i just watched this short commentary on this weekend by glenn beck and found it very appropriate to what i am writing about- enjoy.

charis