i am not complaining for one moment about being a mom to 4 boys. though i have had that ache inside at some point to explore other things as well, i don't have any particular itch right now to do anything differently off the top of my head (other than pay our bills on time and have enough money to keep up with the sky-rocketing gas prices! can i hear an amen on that?!).
i wrestled for several months about my current season and i now really feel a peace and contentment about exactly where i am and what i am focusing on - my family. let me me be perfectly honest, i have had many seasons when i didn't have this assurance that i was in the right place at the right time doing what i was meant to do. though i struggled to find the peace, i just felt discontent. right now isn't one of those times for me. but even in this place of my life, in fact possibly especially in this place of my life, i must live with the constant awareness of the reality that there must be more than this.
there is so much on my heart that i would like to do someday. i have dreams, goals, fleeting ideas of places i would go, things i would try, songs i would write, instruments i would learn to play, languages i would learn to speak.
i have always wanted to live in another country.
i have always wanted to run a marathon.
i have always wanted to write a book.
and yet, let's say every single one of these dreams inside are fulfilled one day (or even if they are possibly not), there still must be more than this.
i get so wrapped up in the present life that so many many times i lose vision of the so much more there is and how very little understanding or awareness i have of it. so much of my life passes by, moment by moment, day by day, and i fail to realize that at some point every single thing will be laid bare for all to see. all the big things, all the little things, all the choices of what i said or didn't say, all the inner motives if my heart... they will all be seen. they will be out on display and i don't know at this moment if it shakes me up more that you all will really know the inner workings of me or that i will look Him who created me in the eye and realize that He has always known it all along- the good, the bad, and the ugly.
and i think for me at least, when i get so focused on making sure there are clean socks, or dry diapers, or anointed worship sets, or prompt mortgage payments, or inspired blog posts i lose vision for what this life is all about. i lose hope that even my heart can be sanctified; that the personality weaknesses that i have struggled with all of my life can be transformed; that i, even i, could be meek and humble instead of selfish and people pleasing.
when i start to think of this life as all there is, i lose vision for fullness in my own heart. suddenly the dreams to see the world, or be financially secure, or well liked and accepted become so much bigger than the dream of possessing my own soul.
where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained,
but happy is he who keeps the law.
i have once again become acutely aware of the darkness hiding in the depths of my heart and i am grieved at what i see. i am still spending time in prayer, in the Word, and even in public ministry... but there are areas of sin i had lost vision of ever overcoming. there are areas i did not acknowledge as even being sin, but simply a part of my personality. i am deeply grieved that if i were to stand before Jesus today, i would have to give an account before Him and before you for losing vision for possessing my own heart and failing to present to Him what i could have if i had only believed it to be possible to finally be whole.
you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin...
grace is given that we (i) can have the means to finally be free. not free to sin, but free to actually have the ability to obey and to love Him with a whole heart... something i have talked a lot about with little actual understanding of what it looked like in my own life.
there must be more than this.
the fact that my eyes are once again open to the vision of this as a real possibility for me is bigger than any dream i could have for my life on this side of eternity.