Monday, May 9, 2011

another bold step forward

my heart is full.  i think these vibrant calla lilies bursting forth with fiery colors perfectly display the splashes of color this week made in my heart. 

the start of my week was painful.  i found myself surprised by the struggles inside of myself and the temptation to run away and hide to protect myself from feeling pain.  i was faced with my own weakness.  faced with my own insecurities.  faced with questions as to if i could handle what the Lord has clearly put before me. 

overwhelmed with emotion. 
                       overwhelmed with questions. 
                                              surprised by being overwhelmed. 

isn't it funny how sometimes life takes us by surprise by sneaking up on our blindside when we least expect it? 

                    i was not expecting it. 

and then, the weekend was such a sharp contrast to a few days earlier.  joy and expectation started filling my heart.  i noticed the brightness of the sky and the vibrant colors all around me. 

time burst forth before me with anticipation,
                                                                       and fullness. 

tears now intermingled with laughter and smiles.

another day. 

                     another year. 

                                           another bold step forward in the path set before me. 

the depth of pain makes the height of joy just all the sweeter.  if i don't know how to mourn, how to cry, how to feel the very bottom of myself, then i never truly will appreciate the surprise of joy, the laughter, the hope-filled heart and eyes that look ahead with expectation.  i will not avoid feeling all the parts of this human experience, for to feel is to live.  when i cease to feel, i cease to be. 
weeping may last for the night, 
but a shout of joy comes in the morning.
                          psalm 30:5
                                                      He alone turns my bitter into sweet...

counting to 1000...

143 - 171:

143. the chickens in the backyard - finally!

144. the chicken coop my husband built himself with all free, recycled materials.

145. getting the last of the veggies into the garden beds.

146. flowers, flowers, and more flowers for my birthday and mother's day.

147. celebrating my birthday.  one of the favorite things of my whole life!  i don't care how old i get as long as it is a party the whole way getting there!

148. my amazing 4 boys who shower me with love over and over again.  their wives will be so lucky some day to get these affectionate boys as husbands.

149. over 150 facebook happy birthday greetings.  those facebook friends know how to make a girl blush!

150. my sister and brother-in-love watching my kids so bill and i could have a date night for my birthday.  did i mention i have 4 boys and they have 3 girls... all 7 and under?  2 are babies?  nursing babies?  they are a-maz-ing.

151. birthday dinner at nello's - dark, lounge-y, family-owned, busy, filled with conversation, rich food, and entertaining people watching, best italian food in town restaurant. 

152. all the waiters singing to me.

153. my sweet david falling off the stair step to a trampoline onto the blacktop below, head first, and being okay.  hurt and crying.  huge egg, and i mean huge, scary, make you nauseated egg on his forehead, but going to be okay.  it could have been so much worse.  so. much. worse.  my beloved boy is going to be okay.

154. homeopathic allergy meds

155. my seven year old boy waking me up my birthday morning by telling me he was going to make me breakfast.  french toast.  my favorite.

156. laughing hysterically with my baby boy.  he loves to laugh. 

157. bbq hamburgers.

158. grilla bites lunch.

159. my dear friend william holding baby simi during church, and taking him out when he started getting loud so i could stay and listen to the rest of the sermon.

160. my beautiful, amazing, talented, humble mommy.

161. my sister writing a touching blog post about me for my birthday. 

162. comfy jean shorts.

163. a clean kitchen.

164. a free pound of starbucks coffee beans.

165. a mom who i can ask advice from who always responds with wisdom and grace.

166. the Lord's outpouring of love when i most feel insecure, weak, and human.

167. tears.  cleansing tears.

168. living life as a deep feeler - feeling pain and sadness deeply just makes feeling the joy that much more sweet.

169. my dad and the steadiness he brings to my family.

170. my sweetest cousin who brought me over game from her freezer because she knew i was craving red meat.

171. the rain tonight clearing the air of the floating pollen. the hope of less sneezing tomorrow.

i am linked up at a holy experience.  come and join in on the party of counting 1000 gifts.  i would love to read your list as well.

share in the comments below something you are thankful for!

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