20 ways to love your spouse on valentine's day

20 ways to love your spouse on v-day 

(or on any day)

1. make a homemade card
2. write a love song (whether you are a musician or not!)
3. have an email detailing your favorite things about him waiting in his inbox when he wakes
4. surprise her with her favorite breakfast and a hot cup of coffee
5. go back and look at wedding pictures together
6. do one of her daily chores without being asked or drawing attention to it
7. ask him what his v-day looks like... and make it about him (seems to be traditionally about her, right?)
8. share with each other the story of when and how you knew that you were in love
9. set a timer on your phone to pray for your spouse every 10 minutes the whole day.
10. buy a pack of 3 by 5 cards, write on each one a different reason you love him, and tie them together with string
11. speak lovingly about your spouse all day long
12. take a break from technology and just be together
13. exercise together
14. wear something you know he thinks you look good in
15. choose today to forgive
16. kiss at least 3 times today - waking, leaving the house, and going to bed
17. tell someone else your "story" together - even better, tell it to your kids
18. hold hands in the car
19. look today for how you can give, not how you can get... how you can serve, not how to be served.
20. pray together

what are ideas that you would add?

charis

6 tips for developing a life in God as a couple

photo by myriah grubbs

couples who pray together, stay together.

sounds so cliche right? seems like two people who both love the Lord would naturally love the Lord together. so, why is it just so hard sometimes?!

before i got married and met my husband i had this list of all the things i hoped to find in the man i was going to marry. one of the things was i wanted a man who prayed; i mean really truly had a prayer life with God.

fast forward a few years and i met just the right guy. he led worship. he had a heart for missions. he had a deep life of prayer with the Lord. he was funny. he was hopelessly in love with me. the only problem was our personal lives with God did not mesh into a "couple's" life with God.

i remember a few tense moments early on in our engagement and newlywed days when we tried to do this stuff together. one was a night when we tried to co-write a song for his brother's wedding. it seemed easy right? we were both musicians, were in love with each other, and had the assignment of writing a love song for a wedding.

it became a huge fight.

we both had different styles when it came to writing music. i remember sitting there on the floor of my bedroom feeling like he was a complete stranger, just because he didn't write songs the way i was used to writing. instead of drawing us together, the experience of sharing a passion and then not connecting in the middle of it drove us apart.

the same dynamic followed us into our time with the Lord. 

before getting married i had these visions, call me idealistic, of spending time pouring over the Bible with my husband. i envisioned prayer together where our hearts connected powerfully with God and with each other. i imagined ministering together (we did meet each other on a missions trip) and sharing this passion of living a life following Jesus and it just blending together so seamlessly.

well, it just didn't go so seamlessly.

we tried to pray together a few times and it was a complete train wreck. i felt he was too quiet. he felt i was pressuring him to relate to God the way i related to God. i felt like he didn't want to include me in his life with the Lord. i think he felt crowded and wished i would just do my time with the Lord by myself.

instead of drawing our hearts closer together, spending time with God together made us feel distant and misunderstood by each other. this was just not the way i had envisioned it going.

since then i have found out that our story is far from unique. just like there are so many different ways of doing life that a man and woman bring to their marriage, there are different ways of doing a personal life with the Lord that they bring as well.

people pray differently. this may not be news to you, but it took years of marriage for me to realize that it was okay that bill and i related to the Lord in our devotional times differently. i did not need to change him, nor did i need to fix my way of doing it to match his... we just needed to push past the awkwardness and the offense of feeling misunderstood or undervalued and still spend time with God together.

now you may be a lucky couple that has always hit it off when you spend time with the Lord together. if you are not, then i want to encourage you that you are not alone nor is your life in God as a couple hopeless.

our connection with each other in the midst of attempting to connecting with God together has greatly improved, but it has taken time! we have successfully co-written songs. we have shared revelations the Lord has given us without ending up in a fight. we even co-lead a prayer ministry now as a full-time occupation. many times God brings together two very different ways of relating to Him to be complementary, not competitive or divisive. i can honestly say i have learned so much about God from being married to this man for 11 years, and he has told me many times the very same thing.

my husband's slightly different perspective, simply because he stands viewing God from a slightly different vantage point, has opened up a wider experience of the Lord that i would have never known if i had stayed single and undisturbed.

marriage can be one of the most exciting dynamic ways of encountering the Lord if we are willing to press through the awkwardness, step over the offense, and be open to the Lord speaking to us and through us in ways that may be new. allowing another person to be a part of a very intimate and personal relationship with God can be intimidating, yet bring so much more growth and depth!

here are six tips for developing a life with God together as a couple:

1. make a point to pray together every day. it may be at the dinner table. it may be lying in bed before going to sleep. it may be a devotional time in the morning. no matter how it looks, how long or how short, make time to pray and talk to the Lord together regularly.

2. if it is awkward, do not quit! i can't tell you how much it would have helped us early on if we had a couple that we respected tell us how hard this part of married life could be. listen, i am here to tell you it can be awkward; it might feel lifeless, it may even cause fights. but it is so worth it to purposefully pray together, spend time in the Word and worship together, and talk about your lives in God together.

3. do not just assume that your spouse has a vibrant life in God - ask. ask him what God is speaking to him. ask how you can be praying for him. (you are praying for your spouse, right?) ask where he has been reading in the Bible lately. share what you feel the Lord speaking to you, both the encouraging stuff and the struggles. in the midst of going through life, stop and pray for your husband. if it seems your spouse is struggling or distant from the Lord - pray for him. i know too many women who were surprised and devastated to find out their husband hadn't been walking actively with the Lord for years, and they had hoped that he was spending time with God on his own when he wasn't. it had somehow become an unspoken topic in the home. do not make the mistake of assuming that someone else is checking in on him or encouraging him in his relationship with Jesus. we can be the greatest encouragement and support to our spouse in both the good times and the hard times of walking with the Lord.

4. pray for your spouse. i know this is mostly about developing a spiritual life together, but if you are not praying for your spouse, you are depriving him of his greatest intercessor besides Jesus Himself. if you feel angry or hurt about something your spouse has done, it is the absolute best time to pray for him. is it strange that i have had to pray for my husband after a failed prayer time together where i felt misunderstood? failed prayer together sent me to pray for him and for us to grow in praying together. who do you desire your husband to be in the Lord? do you believe the Holy Spirit can really transform his heart to become that radical follower of Jesus? prayer is powerful. not only is it drawing a bull's eye on your spouse for the Lord's encounter, but it softens your heart towards him.

5. develop your own personal life in the Lord. we are to come together as married couples to strengthen and sharpen one another in the Lord, but we need time one on one with God in the secret place too. though one on one time with the Lord should not substitute for the life in God in the community aspect of marriage, time with the Lord as a married couple should not substitute for the one of one relationship with Jesus either. we need both. so. very. badly.

6. do not quit coming together to seek the Lord. the author of hebrews encouraged the early church to not stop meeting together to worship and pray, and i encourage you to not stop meeting together with your husband and the Lord. i have already said it so many times, it usually is awkward before it is really good (just like other areas of marriage), but it can get really really good. 

Jesus said that when two or more are gather in His name, He is there... coming together in prayer, worship, and studying the Word is so powerful. it is part of what makes marriage so sweet - sharing the deepest places of your heart that come alive in the presence of God with each other.

any stories you want to share about this area of marriage? how have you navigated, successfully or unsuccessfully, this area of relationship? do you have questions about where you and your spouse are right now in your relationship with God as a couple?

charis

when i am afraid

word for the day:  afraid

start.

truth be known, i struggle quite a bit with being afraid. i am afraid of being alone. i am afraid of the unknown. i am afraid of disappointment. i am afraid of letting others down. i am afraid of death. i am afraid of pain.

there is this amazing God, the God of the Bible, who offers freedom from fear. He calls it casting all my cares on Him. He calls it trusting in Him. He calls it leaning on Jesus for my righteousness.

He tells me, why are you worried about tomorrow? 

worry and fear are the opposite of trust and faith.

being afraid is usually a sign that i am relying on myself to figure it all out - my own problems and those of everyone else around me. though being afraid isn't a sin, refusing to let it go into His hands when i am confronted with my fear by His precious Holy Spirit is.

oh may i not refuse the sweet relief you offer me.

You will keep in perfect peace, him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in YOU. 

trade my fear for Your peace.

stop. 

if you want to join in, the instructions are below.



5 minute friday rules:
1. write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. link back here and invite others to join in.
3. please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them.

if you write a 5 minute friday, let me know -  i would love to visit your blog and read what comes spilling out when writing against the clock!  


charis

love keeps no record of wrongs

forgiveness.

you knew that i couldn't write a series on marriage and not addess this "f" word.

love keeps no record of wrongs, right?

but in reality, we know, we remember, we feel all over again

every. single. painful. moment.

i remember so clearly a moment in our own pre-marriage counseling when our counselor advised us to write some "fighting" rules together.  she strongly cautioned us, "when in a fight, be careful of the words you say in the moment and never call names.  though you can apologize for the words that were said, you can never fully take them back... they just float around out there in the sound waves and our memories replay them over and over again."

i know this may come as a shocker to those of you not yet married, but in the full swings of puppy love and the perpetual highs of finding the right "one" but not yet in the covenant, that you will have to forgive your spouse.

you. will. have. to. forgive. your. spouse.

period.

that means, i know there may be some of you who still may be shaking your heads in disbelief, that your spouse will do something wrong enough to be in need of forgiveness.

forgiveness for what was said... and for what wasn't said.  for what was done... and for what wasn't done.  and sometimes, it will be a really big thing that is in need of forgiveness.

no one has a perfect marriage.

no one.

i know that we all have perceptions of other people's relationships, of their lives really.  but when we assume that someone has that marriage that is just all fireworks and connection all of the time, we are playing that grass is greener on the other side of the fence game.

and i heard a great quote that i cannot forget -

the grass is greener where you water it.

image by myriah grubbs

water your grass with the water of forgiveness.

no one has a perfect marriage, but it is very possible to have a very good one.

whenever i am at a bridal shower and they pass around those little cute cards that you are supposed to write a few words of advice on to encourage the bride to be i always write the same thing -

forgive. 
love keeps no record of wrongs.
1 corinthians 13

it really is the number 1 piece of marriage advice i can give.  it is the one reason i still like my husband today - i choose every day to forgive and to remind myself to stop keeping a record of wrongs.  sometimes it may be a daily choice, other times a moment by moment choice. 

 when my mind wants to replay and relive the painful words or actions in the past, i must choose to forgive.

i have heard so many objections to this single topic - sheesh, i have come up with many objections in my own soul how i should hold onto offense over things done to me - but if we are followers of Jesus this is one thing that isn't negotiable in any relationship we find ourselves in, let alone marriage.

if you find this speaking straight to where you are at and your eyes are open to some unforgiveness or hurt feelings lurking in the shadows of your heart, let me encourage you to start right now in giving the hurt to God and extending mercy towards your spouse (or any other person who has wronged you). "i forgive you" aren't magic words that make the pain of it all just immediately vanish. forgiveness is a choice we have to walk out after we speak it out.

i heard this great illustration a while back from bob jones that i will never forget:

forgiveness is like a yo-yo. keep throwing it out there until the string breaks and it stops coming back. 

you see, we don't forgive the big things just one time. if you have pain or anxiety when you think of someone, it means there is still a deeper level of forgiveness that still needs to happen. extend mercy once again, like throwing out the yo-yo, until the memory or thought of the person doesn't cause pain in your heart any more. the pain can stop coming back. but it takes determination to forgive time and time and time again, and choose to let go of the right to demand things are made right.

sometimes things are made right. sometimes people show true remorse for their offense. sometimes they won't. we still forgive, simply because He forgave us.

at the end of the day we have to remember, if He forgave us all of our sin then why in the world would we choose to not forgive the sins done against us?  (He even mentioned that if we refuse to forgive, the Father will withhold forgiveness from us as well.  pretty sober thought, huh?)

now walking it out is hard at times, isn't it?  oh, but it is so worth it because "he who is forgiven much, loves much." (luke 7:47) our true forgiveness can draw forth love out of our spouse. forgiveness has the potential to not just mend the relationship, but cause it to flourish!

we have been forgiven so much at the cross.  let us love others the way He loves us - and let's start by forgiving our spouse. water your grass so it flourishes a deep shade of green.

thoughts?

charis

the voice

we are continuing today our series on marriage. if you haven't read the past two weeks, i encourage you to start here at the beginning. this series has been in my heart to write for a couple years, so if it blesses and encourages you, even challenges you as it challenges me, please feel free to share it. now, let's sit down at my coffee table for a cup of coffee and have a real talk about marriage.

it's always in the middle of a heated exchange that the voice comes to me.  you know the one:   

don't give in and admit fault.  don't choose to be the one who backs down.  you know what will happen - he will take advantage of you and think he can always win.

and as silly as it sounds writing it all down and admitting to hearing voices that urge me to not lay down my rights, the tension in the moment is so thick it is almost suffocating.

it is like the devil and angel depicted on the shoulders of cartoon characters.  the Holy Spirit and the voice, call it a demon or my flesh (it doesn't matter which), battle for my response.

my father-in-law once told my husband when he was a teenager struggling with some sin issues that he better hope it was a demon bothering him.  he said, "son, if it is a demon, it is easy - we just cast it out.  now if it is your flesh... you will battle that thing the rest of your life."

i have a feeling this voice is more my flesh resisting walking out real love than a demon simply bothering me that has to leave when i tell it to in Jesus' name.

it feels so much like if i admit i am wrong, or even have any ounce of fault in a fight, it will be brought back as ammo against me in a future disagreement. it makes so much sense to my mind that if i don't defend myself and make sure he understands why i am in the right, he will somehow think he had no blame in the fight.  

 ...and then i will be walked all over.

yet, i cannot get away from what paul called love:

love is patient.
love is kind
and is not jealous;
love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own,
is not provoked, 
does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness,
but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things,
believes all things,
hopes all things,
endures all things.
love never fails...
1 cor. 13 nasb

the new king james version says it this way:

love suffers long and is kind...

the new living version says this:

...it does not demand its own way. it is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged... love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

wow.

so, let's do a reality check for a second - 

• i do not like to suffer for a short time, so definitely not suffering loooonnnggg much here...  and to be kind at the same time as the suffering.  ouch.

• my son told me today that i could work on my impatience - no check mark on the patient part for me.

• i often demand my way.  this can be verified by my whole family.

• i get irritable without enough coffee, enough chocolate, enough food, water, sleep, health... okay, so i get irritated pretty easily it seems.

• i hate to admit it, but in a fight i can often remember instantly when i have been wronged in the same way before (anyone with me on this?). 

• i can be provoked.  it doesn't take long to learn my buttons.  and you push them, i push back.

i am no where near this thing called love.

the good news about this depressing news about myself is it isn't new news to Jesus!  He knows i struggle in every single one of these areas... that is why following Him is defined as laying down my life and embracing my cross - being mistreated.

yes, mistreated even in my marriage by the one i have allowed closest to me.

and he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me.  he who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it.  matthew 10:38-39

now for a long time i thought this meant literally dying for Jesus... but the thought that laying down my rights was the same as losing my life for His sake - so that He might be glorified in me - now that was life-changing to this little gal living in california.

then Jesus said to His disciples, "if anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.   for whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.  for what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?  matthew 16:25-26

what will it profit me if i win the argument, but lose my soul in the process?

and He summoned the crowd with His disciples, and said to them, "if anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.  mark 8:34

deny myself?  surely this is a mistranslation. 

and He was saying to them all, "if anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me.  luke 9:23

daily?  you mean, this isn't just about being martyred in some eastern country?  this is about me and my daily home life where i get mistreated every. single. day?

remember, i am not all those great things that are listed in the love chapter.  neither are you.

but He is.

He is every single one of these things towards me, and that is why i can turn my heart towards my husband when i most want to build up a wall to protect myself - Jesus knows the very worst of me that i can hide cunningly from everyone else, and He still loves me in this radical way.

He really did bear His cross on my behalf when i mistreated Him - and it wasn't just about the literal gruesome death on the cross, but the stigma He would bear in my mind of being weak and not defending Himself when He had the chance.

He loved me fully and that is why i choose to not listen to the Voice in an argument... well, at least purpose my heart to tell it no, and choose to lay down my rights daily

in this messy thing called marriage.

Jesus wasn't concerned with how we might mistreat Him again when He chose to love us (and He alone knows how often i have mistreated and even despised Him in my heart) - so why should we hold this as a reason to not really love our spouses? 

charis